


Be My Breath Through The Deep Water

by theblossomandthebee



Category: Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Coming Out, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Garrett is an angel, Gay Disaster Simon Spier, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Slow Burn, bram is soft, i love them all so much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-29
Updated: 2019-01-18
Packaged: 2019-05-30 20:48:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 34
Words: 77,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15104591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theblossomandthebee/pseuds/theblossomandthebee
Summary: When someone finds out that Simon Spier is gay and in an anonymous email relationship, Simon realizes he doesn't have to go through this alone. Simon decides to enlist the help of his friends to combat being blackmailed and protect his relationship with Blue. Simon (and Bram) get to come out on their own terms. Simon and Bram get to know each other as friends, while unknowingly falling in love on the internet.Basically, canon-divergence AU in which Martin does not out Simon. A mix of Simon vs. and Love, Simon mainly because I can't remember which details come from where.Slow burn with plenty of fluff and a good dose of angst.





	1. Un

**Author's Note:**

> This is not only my first time writing these precious characters, but also the first time in a long while that I have written anything. Please be kind to me. That being said, I greatly appreciate critique and feedback. I love the beautiful and soft characters so much and I want to do them justice.

_(2:37pm) Simon: WaHo after school? I gotta talk to you guys about something_

_(2:40pm) Leah: Sounds good. You okay?_

_(2:41pm) Abby: I'm in._

_(2:44pm) Simon: Yeah. Talk to you guys about it then_

_(2:56pm) Nick: See u there_

* * *

_(3:01pm) Abby: I'm proud of you. Love ya <3_

_(3:03pm) Simon: Love you too_

* * *

Simon let out a deep sigh as he slid across the worn vinyl of the booth. Abby slipped onto the bench beside him. She squeezed his hand and gave him a comforting smile as they sat down. Nick and Leah sat down across from them.

"Okay man, what's up?" Nick leaned forward on his elbows. 

Leah knit her eyebrows together and bore her gaze into Simon. She tugged on the edge of her sleeves over her wrists.

"Uh. Okay." Simon glanced nervously at Abby who gave him a nod of encouragement. Suddenly, the fluorescent lighting seemed excessively harsh and the air smelled like sausage grease and burnt waffle batter. Maybe it was just Simon.

Simon squeezed his eyes shut. He bit the inside of cheek and tilted his head. Simon opened his eyes, making eye contact with Nick then Leak then Abby. He decided it was better to just spit it out. "I'm gay."

Three pairs of wide eyes peered at Simon. No one spoke.

"I like guys,” Simon rambled on, “I'm into dudes. I’m like so gay. So, so gay,"

Leah held up a hand, "hey, we get it. You like-"

"Dick. Yes."

Silence.

Then Nick barked out a laugh. The girls followed suit.

"Is that all?" Nick questioned.

"What he means is," Leah elbowed Nick. She reached across the table and laid her fingertips over Simon's, "we love you and this doesn't change anything. Thank you for telling us."

Nick rubbed the newly sore spot on his bicep, “yeah, man. We still got your back.”

Simon gave his friends a half-smile. He blinked a few times, looking at his friends as if he couldn’t quite believe how well they were taking this. Next to Simon, Abby beamed.

"Did you know?" Leah turned her gaze to Abby.

"Oh well I- just for maybe a week now."

Leah's mouth pulled into a slight frown.

"It just sort of came up," Simon explained," when we were getting coffee. I wasn’t planning on telling her right then. But it just all came out. But, uhh, that actually isn't everything."

The three sets of eyes returned to Simon's face with increased intensity.

"Martin found out. That I’m gay. And he's blackmailing me. He told me that I have to help him get Abby to like him or he's going to tell everyone that I'm- you know,” Simon pulled his hands over his face.

Abby looked at Simon, her expression a combination of hurt, confusion, and anger.

Simon slung an arm around Abby, “I’m sorry Abby. It wasn’t right but I just didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t let him. I- he-,” Simon huffed, “this is my thing. I needed to be able to tell people when and how I want. Not because some asshole decides he gets to be the one to tell the whole world who I am.”

"It’s not like anyone would believe him," Leah reasoned.

"He sort of has proof," Simon answered

"What proof?" Nick bristled.

“I was stupid. Really. I left my email up on a computer in the library. I’ve been emailing this guy. I couldn’t wait until school was over to check my email. So I went to the library. And I had this email from Blue. Blue is his name. Well not really, I don’t know his real name.            And then someone walked up. I turned the screen off. Then the bell rang and I walked away and I didn’t see Martin go to that computer. He took screenshots. He came up to me and he blackmailed me. God, what a jerk.”

“Si, take a breath,” Leah commanded

"You could have told us right away, Si," Abby laid a hand on his shoulder, “We would have helped you.”

"I know. I was upset. And confused. I didn't know how to tell you guys."

"We get it. This wasn't an easy thing to tell," Nick nodded at him.

The four sat in silence for a beat.

Abby slapped her hands on the tabletop, "ugh. I can't believe Martin Addison thought THIS was the best way to get me to go out with him.”

"For the record, I really tried to not help him," Simon laughed

Leah flipped the braid off her shoulder, “even if you had tried, I don’t think there’s any helping him.”

"We do need to get Martin off you back though," Nick pointed out.

Simon chewed his lip nervously. He didn't want Martin to out him. Even more so, he couldn't let Martin out Blue. Simon would never forgive himself. He didn’t even want to think about what he would do if he lost Blue.

* * *

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: November 6 th, 10:39pm**

**SUBJECT: I did a thing**

Blue,

I did it. I told my friends I'm gay. I thought I was going to puke the whole time. They were all really cool about the whole thing. I wouldn't have been able to do it without you. Now I just have to tell my parents. Maybe the rest of the world too. Soon. We'll see.

-J

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: November 6 th, 11:03pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: I did a thing**

Jacques,

I'm proud of you. I'm so happy that you were able to open up to your friends and be your true self. From what I’ve heard about your friends, I was sure they would be good about it.

You absolutely could have done this without me. It was only a matter of time. However, I feel honored to have been a part of this. You inspired me, Jacques. My only hope is that someday I can be as brave as you are and open myself up to the people in my life.

This occasion calls for celebration. I suggest Reese’s peanut butter cups.

Yours,

Blue

P.S. I lied. I do have one other hope. I hope that someday I can be brave enough to reveal to you who I am. I hope that one day I can know you and be with you without hiding behind the anonymity of an email address.

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: November 6 th, 11:07pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: I did a thing**

B,

I hope that too.

-J  

* * *

Simon woke up the next morning to four consecutive vibrations coming from the nightstand next to his bed.

_(7:49am) Leah: Are you awake?_

_(7:49am) Leah: Text me when you see this_

_(7:50am) Leah: Wake upppp_

_(7:51am) Leah: I need to talk to you_

_(7:52am) Simon: No. I’m not up. You’re crazy. Why are you waking me up at an ungodly hour?_

_(7:53am) Leah: It’s 8am. That isn’t an ungodly hour. That’s when normal people wake up._

_(7:54am) Simon: It isn’t 8 for 6 more minutes._

_(7:55am) Leah: I’m rolling my eyes at you. Text me at 8 then._

_(8:00am) Simon: Good morning, sunshine. What can I do for you this fine morning?_

_(8:02am) Leah: Stop being a little shit or I won’t help you?_

_(8:03am) Simon: What is it I need help with exactly?”_

 

_Incoming video call from Leah Burke_

“What?” Simon’s head barely poked out from underneath the layers of blankets on his bed.

Leah laughed, “You’re looking a little rough, Si.”

“Sorry, this is how I look when people interrupt my beauty sleep.”

“Whatever. Really though, I had a thought. You said Martin’s brother is gay, right?”

“Yeah, what about it?” Simon flipped the blanket off his face.

Leah smirked, “I have an idea.”


	2. Deux

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon makes a new friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unbeta'd. Sorry.  
> Also, I don't know if anyone cares to know but the title of the fic comes from the song Deep Water by American Authors and I forgot to mention it before. Highly recommend the song.

Simon sat slouched in his desk chair, his ankles crossed on top of his desk. He pursed his lips in thought and his fingers danced over his laptop keyboard. Simon moved a finger over the trackpad and tapped the speech bubble icon on the screen.

 

**FROM: Simon Spier**

**TO: Carter Addison**

(Add Carter Addison so they can message you, and so you can send and receive money, make voice and video calls, and more in your conversation.)

Hi Carter,

You probably don't remember me from high school but I'm in the same grade as your brother, Martin. I want to talk to you about something kind of serious. I think it would be best to talk in person. But if that doesn't work we can exchange phone numbers. Sorry this is cryptic.

-Simon

 

Simon kicked his feet down and spun in his chair. He grabbed his laptop from the desk, forgetting it was plugged into the charger, and mentally cringing as the cable snapped out and fell to the floor.

"You really think this will work?" He glanced at Leah, who was lying on her stomach on his bed.

She looked up from the notebook she was writing in, "What would you do if Nora was blackmailing someone and threatening to out them?"

"Good point."

Simon joined Leah on the bed. He set the computer down in front of them, staring at the screen for just a minute more out of consideration.

“Do you need me to hit send for you?”

“No. I can do it.” Simon moved the cursor over top of the paper airplane button and clicked before he could think too much harder about it. “It just feels a little shady?”

Leah raised a single eyebrow at her best friend, “shadier than blackmailing someone and threatening to tell everyone they are gay if they don’t help them get a date with a girl who isn’t even interested in the first place?”

Simon opened his mouth to reply. He shut his mouth just as quickly, realizing he didn’t have a good response.

“Since that’s done,” Leah rolled onto her left side, “are you going to let me read the emails between you and _Blue_?”

“You’re insane if you think I’m letting you anywhere near those messages.”

Leah reached for the laptop, which Simon promptly snapped shut.

“Absolutely not!”

“I know you well enough Spier, I could probably guess your password. Maybe it’s ‘imhellagay,’” She make quotation marks in the air with her fingers.

“You might know me, but clearly you know nothing about internet security these days. Most passwords have to contain a number and a special character, Burke.”

“Elliotsmith4ever,” Leah held up four fingers, “exclamation point,” she tacks on to the end.

“Screw you.”

“So, I’m right.”

Simon shook his head, “no, I’m just hoping if I don’t answer then you’ll drop it.”

Leah sat up and crossed her legs. “Si, we’ve never kept stuff like this from each other before.”

Simon crossed the room. He leaned forward on the windowsill, looking at the vibrant warm colors on the leaves. Simon let out a sigh and turned around with his arms wrapped around himself. “I don’t know, Leah. I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe it’s because Blue is the first gay guy I’ve ever really talked to. Or maybe it has to do with the way he writes and how he makes me feel like I can tell him anything. Something about him is special and I don’t want to jinx it.”

Leah unfolded her legs, walked over to Simon, and wrapped her arms around him. “I get it, Simon. I do. Sometimes you meet someone and you immediately know there is something different about them.”

Simon, returning the embrace, nodded his head.

“I have to go,” Leah said, “text me later?”

* * *

 

Simon threw himself onto his bed and pulled his phone out of his back pocket. He opened the Gmail app and smiled at the message sitting in his inbox.

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: November 7 th, 11:28am**

**SUBJECT: Celebratory snacks**

Blue,

You’re right. This does call for a celebration. Except I’d rather go for Oreos than peanut butter cups. Not that I have anything against peanut butter cups. 

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: November 7 th, 2:02pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Celebratory snacks**

Jacques,

If you did have a thing against peanut butter cups, I think I would have to stop this thing we have before going any further.

-Blue

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: November 7 th, 6:47pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Celebratory Snacks**

What is “this thing we have?” Asking for a friend.

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: November 7 th, 7:27pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Celebratory Snacks**

Jacques,

Let’s just say that someday I would like to buy a two-pack of peanut butter cups and share one with you. I would even settle for Oreos, but only for you.

I wish I could tell you that the day in question is coming soon. I still feel anxious whenever I think about anyone knowing I’m gay. I want to be brave like you. I want to tell someone, anyone. I don’t think that my parents will be upset. I know my friends will be cool about it. I’m just afraid of the people I love seeing me differently because of who I love.

-B

* * *

 

Simon slapped his lunch tray on the table. He rolled his eyes and ran a hand through his already messy hair.

“You alright man?” Nick narrowed his eyes at Simon.

“There’s no goddamn cell service in this building.”

“That isn’t new, dude.”

“I’m tempted to go stand near a window.”

“What are you talking about?” Leah slid into the seat next to Simon.

“Simon is being dramatic about cell service,” Abby added.

“Why?” Leah turned to Simon, “you aren’t waiting for an email from anyone. Are you?”

Simon’s three friends made various degrees of suggestive facial expressions at him. The only response Simon granted was a scoff.

The rest of lunch period passed with Simon lost in thought, mindlessly chewing flavorless fries.

“Simon. _Simon._ ”

“Yeah. What? Sorry.” Simon looked up to see Bram smiling at him from across the table.

“Could I have a-” Bram pointed a long finger at the pile of French fries on Simon’s tray.

Simon pushed the tray forward, “go for it, man.”

Simon’s cellphone, placed screen-down on the table, emitted a small bloop noise. Simon picked it up, holding it close to his chest. Two notifications appeared on the screen

 

_Carter Addison sent you a message_

_Carter Addison requested to add you as a friend_

Simon tilted the screen towards Leah. She raised her eyebrows in anticipation. Simon tapped the first notification to open the message.

**FROM: Carter Addison**

**TO: Simon Spier**

Hey Simon,

I do remember you. You were a dancing spoon when the school put on _The Little Mermaid_ last year, right? Fortunately, I’m coming home this weekend to do laundry (if my mom asks, she thinks it’s because I miss her though). Do you like coffee? We can grab a cup on Saturday morning if that works for you.

-Carter.

**FROM: Simon Spier**

**TO: Carter Addison**

Saturday would be great. And I practically live on coffee alone. Meet at Dancing Goats at 10am?

**FROM: Carter Addison**

**TO: Simon Spier**

See you then!

* * *

 

Four hours later Simon was draped over a staircase on the auditorium stage. Abby bounced up from center stage after her scene.

“You look bored,” she poked his cheek.

“Some of us on the lower end of the talent scale don’t have anything to do while the stars like you are rehearsing.”

Abby just rolled her eyes, but Simon could see her pleased smile.

“Hey guys, what are we chatting about?” Martin strolled up and leaned against Abby with his arm on her shoulder.

“How talentless everyone is. Except for me,” Abby shot a cold glare at Martin.

Martin reached his arm across Abby’s back and squeezed her shoulder, “You are singlehandedly keeping this production afloat.”

Abby looked straight at Simon. _Help me,_ she mouthed silently.

“Oh! Abby,” Simon popped up, “Ms. Albright wanted you backstage. For costume fitting. Or something.”

“Right,” Abby ducked out from under Martin’s arm, “thanks for reminding me, Si.”

Simon stood up and jumped off the steps. He was turning away from Martin when a hand shot out and grabbed him.

“Simon. C’mon, man. You gotta do better at helping me. I don’t want to have to post the screenshots.”

Simon looked at the shorter boy incredulously, “you don’t _have_ to do anything. You do know that.”

Martin just shrugged. “My hands are tied.”

Simon stalked off, throwing a “yeah, okay” over his shoulder.

* * *

 

The string of bells pealed over Simon’s head as he walked into Dancing Goats Coffee House at 9:50 Saturday morning. He nervously rubbed the back of his neck while glancing around the cozy space. Simon walked up to the counter and ordered an iced coffee for himself and a hot one for Carter. He didn’t even know what kind of coffee Carter liked but he felt obligated to buy him something.

Less than ten minutes later a slightly familiar face swung into the seat across from Simon.

A hand reached out, “hey, Simon, nice to officially meet you.”

Simon grabbed the hand and shook it firmly, like his dad taught him. “Carter. Yeah, it’s so great to meet you too,” Simon gave him a grin.

“So,” Carter paused, “what’s up? I mean, what did you want to talk about?”

Simon wiped his clammy hands on his jeans, “it’s kind of a long story.”

Carter folded his hands together under his chin, “I’ve got time.”

Simon launched into his entire story about Martin and the emails and the screenshots and Blue. The whole time he was talking, he kept noticing how confident Carter seemed in himself. The way he talked, the way he laughed, even when he was just sitting and listening, he seemed so comfortable in his own skin.

Carter agreed with Simon, he got a little angry even, that his brother was being an ass.

“You know, when you messaged me,” Carter began, “I had a feeling is had something to do with you being gay.”

“You what?” _Am I really that obvious?_ Simon wondered to himself

“No! Not because of- Okay it’s like this: I didn’t accept that I was gay until I went off to college. My freshman year I had to learn how to love myself and how to feel confident in who I was again because I was accepting myself as a different person. I met this guy, a couple years older than me. He was gay and he kind of mentored me, I guess. Everyone needs people they can talk to. Everyone needs people they can turn to for advice. And sometimes it’s easier if those people understand where you are coming from. I know that isn’t why you wanted to talk to me, but Simon, if you ever need someone to give you non-hetero advice, I’m here.”

Simon smiled at Carter. He couldn’t think of any words to respond.

“Here, give me your phone,” Carter put his hand palm-side up on the table. He punched his phone number into a new contact. “Use it. Anytime.”

“Thanks, Carter. I really appreciate this.”

Carter stood up, “see you tomorrow night at the Waffle House.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love you for reading this.


	3. Trois

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon sorts some things out. (Also this is the last chapter before Bram really comes into it)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I put in Love, Simon today. As soon as it was over I immediately hit play and watched it again. So that what I did while writing this chapter.
> 
> This chapter just feels kind of weird to me. Let me know if it needs help.

Simon pulled his dark blue hoodie over his head as he left the coffee shop. He immediately pulled out his phone and found Martin’s contact.

_(12:24pm) Simon: Meet me at WaHo tomorrow at 4._

_(12:26pm) Monkey’s Asshole: In the morning or afternoon?_

_(12:29pm) Simon: Why the hell would I be up at 4am?_

_(12:30pm) Monkey’s Asshole: Just checking._

_(12:31pm) Monkey’s Asshole: Also, what is WaHo?_

_(12:34pm) Simon: Seriously? Waffle House._

_(12:38pm) Monkey’s Asshole: Is this about Abby?_

_(12:40pm) Simon: Just be there._

* * *

 “I’m positive it’s a gay rite of passage to fall for someone who is completely and absolutely heterosexual,” Carter chuckled.

Simon threw his head back and laughed. He turned to the man seated next to him in the booth, “what did you do?”

“I had to tell him,” Carter shrugged, “I think there was a part of me that hoped if he knew how I felt then he would, he could, feel the same way. You know? Even though he has no more control over who he’s attracted to than I do.”

“I don’t know if I could ever be brave enough to just come right out and tell someone how I feel about them. Even with this guy I’ve been emailing, I think the reason I can talk to him so easily is because I’m hiding behind an email address. And even though I really want to know who he is, and I want to meet him for real, part of me is terrified. A big part of me.”

Carted placed a hand on Simon’s shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze, “hey, if it’s meant to work out with this guy then it’ll happen.”

As the two shared a smile, they heard a loud voice approaching.

“Simone Spier…” Martin’s voice trailed off, “Bro?”

Simon and Carter’s eyes turned.

“Oh my god,” Martin continued, sounding excited, “are you two dating?” His eyes lit up.

Simon pulled a hand over his face, “No.”

Carter stood up and smacked a hand over the back of Martin’s head, “sit down. We need to talk to you.”

“Could I actually order first? I’m starving. Should I get my hash browns smothered or country?”

Simon whipped the menu out of Martin’s hand, “Yeah we aren’t doing this. I decided that I wasn’t cool with being blackmailed anymore.”

Martin’s eyes shifted between Simon and his older brother.

Carter nodded in agreement, “yeah, what the fuck bro?”

Martin stayed silent so Carter continued.

“You don’t get it, and you never will. But realizing that you are different than how the world sees you, different than how most of the world expects you to be, that’s scary. And having to come out and tell the world who you really are is even scarier. It’s deeply personal. It’s a decision that every person should get to make for themselves in the right time and place and in the right way for them. Nothing, and _no one,_ should ever take that away. You have no right to take that from Simon or anyone else. You have no right to hold that over someone’s head.”

Martin hung his head. He looked so ashamed that Simon almost felt bad for him. Then Simon remembered to be angry that this boy threatened to expose the deepest secret he’d ever have.

“I thought that watching me go through this all would have taught you something.” Carter bore his gaze into Martin’s.

“I’m sorry. I am. I just like Abby so much and-”

“Who cares?” Simon interrupted, “Seriously. This isn’t the way to treat any girl let alone one you like. So what you’re going to do is delete _all_ the screenshots, you’re going to stop bothering me about Abby, and you’re going to stop bothering Abby.”

Martin pulled out his phone and started tapping away at the screen. “It’s done. I promise I won’t-”

“I think I’m done here,” Simon stood up, “Carter, thanks for the help, man. I owe you one.” Simon turned and strolled out the door.

“Simon, wait up!” Martin chased after him.

Simon spun on his heel to face Martin on the sidewalk, “frankly, Martin, I don’t want to talk to you.”

“I just wanted to apologize.”

“Great, and now you have. I forgive you or release my anger or whatever else my mom says to her patients. This is over. We don’t have to ever speak again.”

“I was just wondering if you think I might ever have a chance with Abby?” Martin swayed, shifting his weight from one leg to the other.

Simon blinked. “Probably not. I don’t think she’s really into blackmailers.”

“Right.”

Simon shook his head and marched off to his car. Settled in the driver’s seat, he breathed a sigh of relief. Simon knew, despite the crisis being averted, that there was someone who deserved to know too.

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreem118@gmail.com**

**DATE: November 15 th, 5:11pm**

**SUBJECT: Please don’t freak out**

Blue,

I need to be honest with you. A few weeks ago, someone found my emails to you. They took screenshots and held it over my head so I would help them with something else. I know it sounds crazy. Please don’t freak out right now, I promise everything is fine. The screenshots are all deleted and everything is going to be okay.

I wanted to tell you because I felt like I should (because this involves you too) but also because I find myself wanting to tell you everything, good and bad. I want you to be able to trust me. To get you to trust me, I need to be worthy of your trust. I promise it’s all taken care of.

-Jacques

 

Simon chucked his phone into the passenger and peeled out of the parking lot, heading towards home. At every red light and stop sign he would check his notifications, hoping Blue would respond sooner than later. Simon already felt guilt and anxiety gnawing at his stomach.

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreem118@gmail.com**

**DATE: November 15 th, 10:41pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Please don’t freak out**

Blue,

Please, please, please don’t be freaking out. I haven’t heard from you. Please.

-J

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: November 16 th, 11:34pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Please don’t freak out**

Jacques,

First, using the subject heading “Please don’t freak out” nearly guarantees that person will freak out.

Second, I’m sorry it took me so long to reply. I was (slightly) freaking out. I needed time to process before I could respond.

Third, I appreciate you telling me the truth. Honesty and openness are very important to me. If I’m being honest with you, and myself, I can see myself being with you. It’s insane considering I know hardly anything about you. But if I were to get involved with someone, I would want to know that they are honest. I’m glad you are honest.

Fourth (and least important), I also may have put off responding due to being otherwise occupied with a highly important _Harry Potter_ marathon. I never thought I would admit to anyone my crush on Cedric Diggory, and yet, here I am.

-Blue

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreem118@gmail.com**

**DATE: November 17 th, 7:13am**

**SUBJECT: Re: Please don’t freak out**

B,

I can see myself being with you too. Maybe soon we can reveal our real identities to each other, for the sake of openness and honesty and all that.

Clearly your fourth point is the most important. Cedric, huh? I’ve always been more of a Remus Lupin man, myself. There’s just something about the quiet, smart, sexiness that gets to me.

-J

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that in canon Simon has a big ol' crush on Daniel Radcliffe. But this is my fic and I can do what I want. Also I love Remus Lupin with all my heart.  
> Now that this chapter is done I PROMISE the next chapter will heavily feature Bram!


	4. Quatre

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As promised, Bram finally makes an appearance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I flipping love Bram.

The last bell of the day rang and Simon grabbed his biology textbook and his backpack. He walked through the crowded school hallway towards his locker. Simon groaned when he noticed Martin leaning against the locker next to his. Simon kept his eyes straight ahead, ignoring Martin. He threw his backpack on the floor at his feet and popped his locker open.

“Simon. Hey.”

Simon didn’t answer.

“How are you doing?”

“What do you want, Martin? Last time I checked we weren’t exactly friends.” Simon slammed the locker door shut. He turned to face Martin; his face was emotionless.

“You know Parker O’Malley?”

Simon’s eyebrows scrunched together, “sure?”

“Him and I are kind of friends. I don’t know for sure but,” Martin leaned in close and whispered, “I think he’s gay. I was thinking you guys could, you know…” Martin ended ambiguously.

Simon stared. “I-” he started, “you-” hi tried again. Simon couldn’t quite form coherent words. Instead he just laughed. It was the kind of laugh where Simon’s head flung back and his shoulders shook. He ran his hands through his hair. “Yeah we’re, we’re not doing this. Whatever it is you’re trying to do isn’t going to happen.”

Martin looked taken aback. “I was just thinking that I could help you meet guys, put yourself out there,” Martin made a punching motion with his fists.

“Here’s the thing,” Simon put his hands on Martin’s shoulders, shaking him slightly, “I don’t want, or need, your help.”

Simon picked up his backpack and gestured over his shoulder, “I’m going to be late for rehearsal so I’m gonna go.”

* * *

 By the time Simon entered the auditorium Cal was shepherding people around the stage and Ms. Albright was calling instructions to the cast and crew. Simon pulled the script out of his backpack and hopped onto the stage.

“What did I miss?” Simon whispered to Abby.

“Just Ms. Albright threatening to cancel the show if we don’t stop acting like assholes,” Abby chuckled.

Simon and the rest of the cast member got into position to practice the final dance number of the show. They stumbled roughly through the choreography.

At the conclusion of Cal’s piano accompaniment, Ms. Albright gaped at the stage looking confused. “We will work on this later,” she closed her eyes like she was trying to block out the not-good dancing, “Martin, Taylor! Let’s do scene six. Everyone else take a break.”

Simon followed Abby off the stage. “I’m going to grab a soda. Want to come?”

“So I was thinking,” Abby started once they were in the hallway, “for the show we should put some eyeliner on you. It would really make your eyes pop.”

“Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I want to wear eyeliner, Abby.”

“I’m not suggesting it because you’re gay, dummy,” Abby poked her elbow into Simon’s ribs, “I’m telling you as an actor. You have to fully commit to the craft.”

Simon chuckled, “Abby, I’m company member number eight. I don’t exactly consider myself a serious thespian.”

“I’m just saying you’d look really good.”

“So you don’t think I look really good right now?” Simon mocked gasped, “I’m deeply offended. You know what, Abby? I was going to pay for your soda but now you can shell out the dollar and a half for your own beverage.”

Abby bumped her hip into Simon’s, “whatever, Spier.”

The two walked up to the vending machine. Simon dug through his wallet for the three least-crumpled dollar bills and fed them to the machine. Abby punched two buttons on the machine and grabbed the bottles once they had clunked their way to the bottom. She turned away from the machine to head back towards the auditorium.

“Hey, Abby, wait,” Simon faced the vending machine, finding it easier than looking Abby in the eyes. “I just have to tell you that the thing with Martin is over. He deleted everything and he shouldn’t bother you anymore. But I also wanted to apologize again. I am so sorry for not being honest with you. I know I acted like a total jerk.”

Simon felt two arms wrap around him and hold him tightly. A head rested on his shoulder.

“I love you, Simon, and I forgive you. Part of me was really hurt that you even considered helping Martin. I mean, it’s my choice who I do or don’t date. I wish you had just told me what was going on right away. I also understand why you felt like you couldn’t though. I’m not mad at you, Si. And you being gay doesn’t change anything, okay?”

Simon turned around to face Abby. He nodded silently and pulled her back into a hug. “You are the best.”

Abby folded her arms around Simon’s neck, “I love you.”

“I,” Simon paused, “have your hair in my mouth.”

Abby pushed away from Simon, laughing, “thanks for ruining our nice moment.”

“Kidding, love you too,” Simon called as Abby walked away from him.

As soon as she was around the around the corner, Simon reached into his jeans pocket for his phone.

 

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: November 18 th, 3:35pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Best Case Scenario**

Jacques,

That’s a good question. I guess I haven’t thought too much about how I want my parents to react when I tell them I’m gay. Mostly, I’ve thought about how I _don’t_ want them to react. Best case scenario, I think, would be that nothing really changes. It would kill me if my parents started treating me differently after finding out. I also don’t want them to ignore it either, you know? What would you even do if you told your parents that you are gay and they don’t even acknowledge it?

Since we’ve started talking, I’ve been thinking more about coming out to my parents and deciding when and how I want to do it. My parents are divorced so it makes it a bit trickier. I think they will take it well enough, but sometimes it still feels impossible to tell anyone I’m gay.

I appreciate having you to talk to about this stuff. You make it all feel a little bit better and a little less impossible.

-Blue

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: November 18 th, 5:12pm**

**Subject: Re: Best Case Scenario**

Blue,

I don’t know what I would do if my parents just tried to pretend that I wasn’t gay. I feel 99% confident that my parents won’t react that way. I know they will be really cool about it. But that doesn’t make it any less scary. Like you said, it does sometimes feel like it’s impossible. If it weren’t for you, my friends still wouldn’t know. You make me brave.

I’m sorry your parents are divorced. That does add another layer of difficulty to the whole thing. Whenever you do decide to come out to your parents, know that I will be here supporting you.

-Jacques

* * *

 Back in the auditorium, Ms. Albright called everyone on to the stage.

“I’m over it so we’re going to call it a day. Go home. Do whatever it is you all do on the internet until two in the morning and I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Simon tugged on his jacket and collected his things. He was leaving the auditorium when he heard an annoyingly familiar voice call out his name.

“Martin, I’m pretty sure I asked you to leave me alone.” Simon kept walking.

“Wait up. I have some advice for you.”

“Oh my god,” Simon put a hand over his eyes, “what advice could you possibly have to give me?”

“I just think you should know that if I was into dudes, I probably wouldn’t go for a guy that wears only hoodies.”

Simon kept walking.

“Just trying to help,” Martin called out.

“I’m not asking,” Simon turned a corner. He heard Martin’s footsteps still following him so he quickly ducked into the math hallway. Simon decided he’d rather circle around the entire parking lot than talk to Martin any more today.

Simon pushed through an emergency exit door. He tucked his chin into his jacket, shielding his face from the cool, autumn wind. Simon started his trek to the far side of the parking lot when he heard someone jogging up behind him.

Simon turned on his heel, “Martin, I _swear_ \- oh. Bram. I’m sorry. God.”

Bram fell into step beside him, “It’s cool, man. You okay? You look upset.”

“Oh yeah, I’m fine. It’s just kids at rehearsal being dicks.”

“The guys on the soccer team are like that too, sometimes,” Bram nodded, “I don’t know why we would expect any different when there’s 25 testosterone-obsessed jocks in one locker room.”

“You think egoistic, limelight-seeking theater kids are any better?”

Bram chuckled.

Simon felt a clench in his chest at the sound of Bram’s laugh. _Is that normal?_ Simon wondered. He’d definitely never had that reaction to Leah or Abby laughing at one of his jokes.

“So,” Bram scoffed, pulling Simon out of his thoughts, “how did you do on that bio test?”

“Ugh do not remind me”

“Sorry,” Bram rested his hand on Simon’s shoulder.

There was the clench in Simon’s chest again. Simon looked up at Bram. _How is this the first time I’m noticing how cute Bram is?_

“We can study together next time,” Bram offered.

“Yeah, sure, that would be awesome.” Simon realized the two were standing next to his car. It was the only one parked in the lot.

“I’ll, uh, see you at lunch tomorrow?” Bram started to back away.

Simon gestured around the parking lot, “where’s your car?”

“I’m going to walk home,” Bram shrugged.

“Do you want a ride?”

“Nah. It’s kind of far out of the way. Thanks, though.”

Simon nodded, “It’s farther to walk than to drive. That’s kinda why I’m offering.”

“Exercise, you know? It’s good for you.”

“Yes and soccer obviously doesn’t count for that.”

Bram smiled at Simon, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Simon shook his head. He threw his backpack into the back seat and climbed into the front. He plugged the auxiliary cord into his phone and opened his music app. Simon picked an album by The 1975 and turned up the volume. Simon shifted his car into reverse. Glancing at the windshield, Simon noticed a smattering of raindrops dotting the glass. As Simon backed out of the parking space, the skies opened up and rain poured from the clouds. Simon threw his car into drive. Simon slowly pulled his car up to the sidewalk where Bram was walking. He turned down the volume on his music and rolled down the passenger side window. Without saying a word, Simon raised his eyebrows at Bram.

Bram looked back at Simon. He remained still for a few seconds, letting the rain pour around him. “Fine,” he sighed, pulling open the car door.

Simon moved his extra sweatshirt off the passenger seat.

“Are you always like this?” Bram closed the door and rolled up the window to block out the rain.

“Always like what?” Simon asked, checking his mirrors for other cars.

“Always such a Hufflepuff.”

“ _What?”_

“From _Harry Potter._ ”

“I know what a Hufflepuff is, dude. I’m just very clearly a Gryffindor.”

“No, Simon, you’re definitely not.”

“Unbelievable,” Simon grumbled.

Bram laughed, “It isn’t a bad thing, you know.”

“You know you’re a Ravenclaw, right?” Simon smacked Bram’s shoulder with the back of his hand.

“Again, not a bad thing, Simon.”

“What a Ravenclaw thing to say, Bram.”

Bram laughed at Simon and cranked the volume dial. The song changed and Bram began to use his hands to drum on the dash.

Simon glanced between the road and Bram. _Damn. Bram has nice hands. Look at the road, Spier._ Simon reminded himself, distracted by the bobbing of Bram’s head and the lithe movement of his fingers.

“Turn left here,” Bram pointed.

In the driveway, Bram climbed out of the car. He hung on the open car door. “Thanks, Si. I owe you one.”

Simon held eye contact with Bram’s warm brown eyes. His mouth felt too dry to say anything so he waved instead as Bram jogged into his house.

 _Well,_ Simon thought, _damn._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song I imagined Bram jamming to is "The City" by The 1975.


	5. Cinq

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon is debating coming out to his parents and gets some advice from Blue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, internet strangers, validate me.

**FROM:** **frommywindow1@gmail.com**

 **TO:** **bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 3 rd, 7:21am**

**SUBJECT: Thoughts?**

Blue,

Lately I’ve been thinking, the whole “coming out thing” went really well with my friends. I think I want to tell my parents. Scratch that, I KNOW I want to tell my parents. I think I want to do it soon.

I don’t know how to do this. Should I just sit them down and tell them? Should I make more of a production about it? Is it better to come out in public or in private?

I know I want to do this and I know it needs to be done but I feel anxious any time I think about it too hard.

Any words of wisdom, Blue?

-Jacques

 

Simon tossed his phone into his backpack and went downstairs for breakfast. “What do we have this morning?” Simon swiped his finger into a mixing bowl full of batter. “Mmm, that’s good Nora.”

“Thanks,” she pulled a tray out of the oven, “they are whole grain cinnamon banana muffins.”

Simon walked over to the sink to fill up his water bottle. His mom stood next to him, sipping her coffee.

“Lots of healthy fiber,” Emily added, “good for keeping you regular,” she patted Simon’s stomach.

“Mom. No.”

Simon ripped a paper towel off the roll, stuck three muffins on it, and wrapped them up. “Thanks Nora,” he gestured to his breakfast, “see you all after school.”

“Simon don’t forget, I need your help hanging Christmas lights sometime soon,” Jack reminded him.

“Shit, I forgot.”

“Oh I’m so sorry to have to take a couple of hours from your iced coffee drinking time.”

“Yeah, I’m sure you are. How about this weekend?” Simon said, already halfway out the door.

“Son?”

“Yes, dad?” Simon poked his head back into the house.

Jack held up a set of keys. “You might want these,” he tossed them across the kitchen.

Simon caught his keys by the Golden Gate Bridge key chain Leah got him when she went to San Francisco in 7th grade. “Thanks, dad,” he said sheepishly.

Simon grabbed his phone and chucked his backpack into the back seat. Simon tapped the envelope icon.

 

_No new messages_

“C’mon, Blue.” Simon felt like he was going crazy. As soon as he sent Blue a message, all he could think about was checking his inbox for a reply. It’s wasn’t that Blue was slow at responding, it’s that Simon probably wouldn’t be pleased until he was getting a new message from Blue every three minutes.

In Nick’s driveway, Simon opened the app again.

“Dude,” Nick slid across the back seat, “if you text and drive I will throw my body out of this car while it’s moving.”

“How is that any better?” Simon tucked his phone back into the console.

“It’s the principle of the thing.”

Simon rolled his eyes and backed into Leah’s driveway. “I don’t text and drive anyways. Only when the car is completely stopped.”

“You say that now, but I think you’re becoming obsessed.”

Leah jumped into the car, “obsessed with what?”

“Checking his email.”

“Oh he definitely is obsessed.”

“Guys, I’m not obsessed,” Simon argued.

Leah and Nick exchanged a look of disbelief.

“Okay, fine,” Simon huffed, “maybe a little but I promise to never endanger your lives for the sake of checking my email.”

Nick ruffled Simon’s hair, “that’s all I’m asking for.”

Simon pulled the car up to the window at Dancing Goats. “Four iced coffees, one with milk, please.” 

* * *

 The four friends stepped out of Simon’s car and into the bustling school parking lot. Simon grabbed his phone from the console and unplugged the auxiliary cord.

 

_No new messages_

Simon looked up from the screen to see three sets of eyes staring at him. “What? The car is parked,” he wildly waved his arms over the vehicle. Simon shoved his cell into the pocket of his jeans as he walked into school.

“Yo, Bram,” Abby called when she spotted their friend walking towards the entrance from the other direction.

“Hey, guys,” Bram unzipped a pocket on his backpack and dropped his phone inside. “Are you pumped for our soccer match tomorrow night?” Bram reached up and gave Nick a high-five.

“Hell yeah! Abby is going to come watch us play,” Nick smiled proudly at her.

“Nice. It should be a good one,” Bram added. “Simon, are you coming?”

Simon’s eyes widened at the unexpected question. “Umm, I’m not sure yet. I’ll let you know.” Simon felt a buzz from his pocket. “I have to run to the bathroom, I’ll catch up with you guys later.”

“Si, we just got to school,” Leah pointed out.

“Right, but Nora made whole grain muffins for breakfast so…fiber. You know?” Simon backed away from his group of friends.

Leah turned away, satisfied with his answer, but Bram kept watching him. The expression on his face was like he was trying not to laugh at Simon’s discussion of fiber and its associated bowel movements.

Simon rushed towards the nearest bathroom and ducked into a stall. He quickly locked the door and dragged his phone from his pocket.

 

_1 new message_

**FROM:** **bluegreen118@gmail.com**

 **TO:** **frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 3 rd, 7:59am**

**SUBJECT: Re: Thoughts?**

J,

I don’t know that I have many words of wisdom for you. Remember, no one in my life knows I’m gay except for you, Jacques.

Have you tried imagining the conversation in your head? Imagine a perfect, smooth, easy coming out. What does it look like in your head?

Also, because you said you aren’t truly worried that you parents will react poorly, I think you should do what feels right to you. You’re very fortunate that you know your parents will react well. Your coming out doesn’t have to be about pleasing them or “softening the blow”. It can be all about you. This is your thing. Make this story your own.

I look forward to hearing about it.

-B

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 3 rd, 8:03am**

**SUBJECT: Re: Thoughts?**

Blue,

When I picture my ideal coming out, I’m with my parents, I point up to the sky, and fireworks burst across the sky spelling “I AM GAY AF.” However, that seems somewhat unrealistic and also out of my price range. I think I will settle for the second most ideal option, which is just telling them at home. Maybe when my whole family is sitting down to watch _The Bachelor_ are arguing over which contestant is the hottest, I’ll let it slip that the actual bachelor is more my type.

On a serious note, thank you. Thank you for reminding me that this isn’t about anyone except me. I’m beginning to think that you aren’t real at all. You’re an angel aren’t you?

-J

 

Simon slid into his desk in AP European History four minutes late. Mr. Pierce didn’t seem to notice his tardiness though. He was too preoccupied discussing the latest episode of _The Walking Dead_ with a couple of students in the front of the classroom. Simon snagged his history notebook and a pen from his backpack. Garrett, who sat directly in front of Simon, turned around and offered him a smile.

“You haven’t missed anything important. In case you were wondering.”

“Wait, so you don’t think conspiracy theories contemplating the potential reality of a zombie apocalypse are important?” Simon widened his eyes.

Garrett laughed, “You’re right. What was I thinking?”

Simon gave the other boy a playful punch to the shoulder. 

* * *

 On his way to lunch, Simon passed by the main entrance. It was the best place in the school building to get cell reception. Simon paced the entryway a few times waiting (hoping) for his phone to light up and vibrate with a notification. Simon was not in luck today. When his stomach emitted a gurgling noise loud enough for the security officer to hear he decided to head for the cafeteria.

In the lunch line, Simon grabbed an extra basket of French fries. He told himself it had nothing to do with the fact that Bram almost always asked him for a couple of fries. He was just feeling especially hungry today.

Simon had barely sat down at the lunch table when Bram piped up.

“Hey Simon can-”

With a grin, Simon pushed the extra basket of fries off his tray towards Bram.

For a split second, Bram looked terrified, like a deer in headlights. He composed himself enough to thank Simon and shoot a smile back at him.

“Ow!” A sharp kick connected with Simon’s shin under the table. “The fuck, Leah?”

Leah looked intensely at Simon. She shifted her gaze to Bram and then back to Simon. Leah wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

 _Shut up._ Simon mouthed, casting a nervous glance in Bram’s direction. _We’re friends._

Leah’s only response to Simon was an eye roll.

Simon scooted closer to Leah. “I’m going to tell them. My parents. This weekend, I think,” he whispered.

“Si, that’s great. I’m so happy for you.” Leah leaned her head on Simon’s shoulder. “You’ll let me know how it goes?”

“Yeah. It’ll be fine though.”

“I know. Your parents are great.”

Simon shifted his weight to grab his phone out of his pocket.

“You know you aren’t going to get reception in here,” Leah reminded Simon.

“A boy can dream, can’t he?” It didn’t matter that Leah was right, and Simon didn’t get another message in his inbox until that evening. 

 

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 3 rd, 6:18pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Thoughts?**

Jacques,

While I agree that the use of fireworks to come out to your family is the clearly superior option, telling them at home will be just as meaningful.

You are correct in assuming that I am an angel, but only figuratively. In every other sense of the word, I am completely human.

-Blue

P.S. I do not accept that you watch _The Bachelor_ with your family every week.

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreem118@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 3 rd, 7:09pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Thoughts?**

Blue,

Tomorrow night. It’s going to happen. Cross your fingers.

-Jacques

P.S. Accept it, buddy. It happens. Someday I’m going to make you come over and watch with us.

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 3 rd, 7:57pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Thoughts?**

I’m crossing my fingers for you.

-B

P.S. While I consider the premise of _The Bachelor_ morally reprehensible, I would watch it. However, Jacques, I would only do it for you.

 

Simon plugged his phone into the charger and went downstairs to join his family to watch _Julie & Julia. _It was Nora’s current favorite movie.

“Simon, come sit down,” Emily patted the seat next to her.

Simon joined his family and gave his mother a kiss on the cheek.

Emily turned to look at Simon with a strange look in her eyes, “I love you, Si.” Her voice came out sounding choked.

Simon realized his mom’s eyes were brimming with tears. _Does she know?_ Simon’s mind raced. _No. This is just part of her job. She probably just thinks something is wrong._ Simon debated telling his family right then and there. He didn’t. Simon wanted to revel in this one last evening with his family that would be like all the ones they had before. Simon knew his family would still love him. They would still have his back. They probably wouldn’t treat him any differently. It didn’t mean that things wouldn’t change. That part killed Simon. No matter how well it went, things would change. So instead of speaking up, Simon let himself relax into the sofa. He watched Nora’s intense viewing of the movie. He watched his parents cuddle during the movie and progressively wrap their bodies around each other even more.

 _This is good._ Simon imagined if Blue was here with him. He pictured Blue’s arm around his own shoulders. By the end of the movie, Simon would have his arms wrapped around Blue and his head on Blue’s chest. And he knew that’s the only thing that could make this night any better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all. So I fully intended for Simon to come out to his parents in this chapter. But then it sort of got away from me and it was 2k words and Simon hadn't told his family. So I decided to split it into two chapters rather than one insanely long chapter. But I just want to know if anyone has a preference. Would you rather I keep the chapters shorter (meaning I could update more often) or just write as much as I want into one chapter (meaning you get more substance in a chapter)? Let me know if you have strong feelings on the topic. Thanks, loves.
> 
> ALSO, I realize that I'm using swear words in this. If I'm being honest there will probably start to be more. I don't know when/if I should change the rating to M? Also it will probably need to be M eventually for ~sexy reasons~ in case anyone was wondering.


	6. Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon comes out to his family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If my DVD player could talk it would be asking me "why have you watched Love, Simon seven times in the last two days?" and my response would be "inspiration."

Friday night, Simon sat at the dining room table loading his fork with Nora’s homemade pasta and basil pesto. Simon shoved a way-too-big bite into his mouth, coughing when he struggled to swallow the bite. His anxiety-induced dry mouth didn’t help.

“Are you okay, Si?” Emily looked concerned.

Simon reached for his glass of water and took a sip. “I’m fine.” Simon held his breath. “Actually, I do want to talk to you guys about something.”

Nora squinted at her older brother. Emily set her fork on the side of her plate and clasped her hands together. Jack shoveled a bite into his mouth.

“Did you knock someone up?” Jack asked, smiling and chewing simultaneously.

“What? No,” Simon shook his head.

“Are you doing drugs or something?”

“Dad.”

“I don’t know what you crazy kids get up to these days,” Jack’s eyes crinkled with humor.

Emily threw her napkin across the table at her husband. “Let the boy talk.”

Simon took another sip of water. He wiped his mouth with his napkin and then wrung it nervously in his hands. “So,” Simon started. _How is my mouth so dry? I literally just took a drink of water._ “I’m going to tell you something and I need you to know that this doesn’t have to change anything. We’re still us. And- and-”

“Oh God,” Jack leaned back in his chair, “someone is pregnant.”  
“No one is pregnant. At least no one that has anything to do with me.” Simon mustered his courage. Inhale. Exhale. “I’m gay.”

Simon’s eyes stayed on his half-finished plate of pasta. Nora’s small hand reached for Simon’s. She grabbed his fingers and squeezed. Simon lifted his eyes to look at his precious sister. She didn’t say anything, but the gentle smiled she gave him made him feel a little more okay.

“Sweetheart,” Emily was nodding at her son, “we love you. Nothing changes that. You love who you love and no matter what we love you.”

Simon nodded back at her. He snuck a glance at his dad, who hadn’t said a word. Simon couldn’t quite describe the emotion of Jack’s face. Something about it seemed hurt, though.

“Dad?” Simon gave Jack a questioning look.

“You’re gay?”

“Yeah.”  
“Oh,” Jack slid his chair backwards, “if you’ll excuse me.”

Simon’s mouth gaped at his dad exiting the room. _This isn’t how it was supposed to go._

“Umm,” Simon stood.

“Simon, honey.” Emily tried to reach for Simon.

“No, it’s-” Simon moved towards the stairs, “I’m fine.” Simon took the stairs two at a time. He rushed into his bedroom, closing the door behind him and sinking to the floor. Simon pulled his knees to his chest and buried his head in his hands. Hot tears trailed down Simon’s cheeks and dropped onto his shirt. Simon didn’t know how long he sat there on the floor, letting the sobs roll over his body. Eventually, he stood up. Simon took his laptop from the desk and carried it to his bed. Simon burrowed himself under the layers of blankets. The bright blue light from his laptop made his sensitive eyes ache. Simon pulled up the Gmail website and clicked “compose.” Simon rested his fingers on the keys. No words came to him. He felt so miserable he didn’t even know how to tell Blue. Simon slammed his laptop shut and shoved it off to the side. He decided to sleep instead. Even if it was only 8:30pm. Simon wondered if it was possible to sleep for five straight days.

A soft rapping on the bedroom door interrupted Simon’s silence.

“Si?”

“Mom, I’m fine. Really. I just don’t feel like talking.”

“Then we don’t have to talk,” Emily approached the bed, “can I?” She pointed to the bed.

Simon pulled back the covers and rolled to his side.

Emily lay down next to her son, lying on her side so she and Simon were face-to-face. Emily reached up and brushed the soft, light brown hair out of Simon’s eyes. She wiped at his damp cheeks.

Simon and his mom lay there, not speaking. Emily rubbed soft circles into Simon’s arm.

After a while, Simon whispered, “thanks, mom.”

“Nothing, and I really do mean nothing, you could do will ever make me stop loving you. This doesn’t change who you are. This is who you have always been. I just didn’t know about it. Whoever you are, you should never be afraid to be yourself. Especially around your family. We will support you. We will protect you. We will love you and embrace you for whoever you decide you want to be.”

Simon scooted towards his mom. He folded his arms around her and held her tight. The tears started falling from Simon’s eyes again. He could feel a wet spot on his shoulder from where Emily’s tear were falling too. Emily sniffled.

“Are you getting snot on me?”

“Maybe.”

“You’re gross,” Simon chuckled.

“I don’t care what you think. You came out of me.”

“Okay you can leave now.”

“One more thing,” Emily hesitated, “are there any cute boys in your life?”

 _Blue. Bram._ “No,” Simon lied.

“Okay. You can talk to me about it, when it does happen.” Emily got up. She rested her hand on Simon’s cheek, “tell me if you need anything,” and then Simon was alone again.

Simon debated opening his laptop again. He still wasn’t sure what to say to Blue. Instead, Simon pulled the comforter over his head and did his best to turn his thoughts off and sleep.

* * *

Simon didn’t wake up the next morning until 10:45am. He checked his phone and saw the envelope symbol on the screen.

 

 **FROM:** **bluegreen118@gmail.com**

 **TO:** **frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 5 th, 12:26am**

**SUBJECT: Well?**

So, how did it go?

-Blue

 

Simon didn’t know how to respond. Simon himself still wasn’t sure how it went. He got up and walked to the bathroom. In the mirror, Simon noticed dark purple rings around his eyes as the result of his night of tossing and turning. Simon rubbed his eyes. He splashed cool water on his face, trying to feel a little more awake. Simon went back to bed and opened his laptop.

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 5 th, 11:02am**

**SUBJECT: Re: Well?**

Blue,

Honestly, I’m not quite sure how it went. I’ll get back to you.

-Jacques

 

Simon shut his laptop and heard his phone vibrate immediately. Simon picked it up, wondering if Blue had already replied.

 

_(11:03am) Nora: Can I come in?_

_(11:03am) Simon: Yeah_

Simon saw his bedroom door slowly creak open. Nora peeked her face into the room.

“I brought you something,” she crossed the room and joined Simon on the bed. She scooted to the head of the bed and sat up against the pillows.

Simon turned to look at his little sister. They held eye contact but didn’t say a word.

“Dad isn’t mad, you know. He still loves you.”

“I know that, Nora. But still-”

“I heard him crying last night, when you and mom were up here.”

Simon sighed.

“I don’t think he’s sad because you’re gay. I think he was crying because of how he reacted. I think he’s mad at himself.”

Simon rubbed at his eyes.

“Does anyone else know?”  
“Leah and Nick and Abby.”

“That’s good,” Nora paused, “they love you.”

Nora pointed to the plate she brought with her. “I made crème-filled chocolate sandwich cookies.”

“You can just call them homemade Oreos,” Simon picked a cookie off the plate.

“These are better than Oreos.”

“I’m sorry, Nora, but I just cannot believe that.”

Nora rolled her eyes.

“Nora?”

“Yeah?”

“There’s kind of- there’s this guy I like.”

Nora’s eyes lit up. “Really? Who is it?”

“That’s the kicker,” Simon laughed, “I don’t even know.”

Simon spat out the whole story to his sister, who looked like a kid in a candy shop the whole time. She even pulled up the Creek Secret blog and scrolled back to the post from August just so she could read it herself.

Nora became quiet. She grabbed Simon’s shoulder. “It’ll be okay, Si.” She planted a kiss on his cheek and slipped out of the room.

Simon lay in bed for a few more hours before getting up to eat something more substantial than Nora’s cookies. Simon passed the window by the stairs and saw his dad on a ladder, putting up Christmas lights. Simon ran back upstairs and threw on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt. He jogged outside.

“Want some help, Dad?”

Jack gave his son a look of surprise. “Si, that would be great.”

Simon went to the garage and grabbed the second ladder. He leaned it up against the house, next to his dad.

They worked in silence for a while, attaching the multicolored strings of lights to the eaves of their home.

“Si,” Jack stopped working, “Simon, I am so sorry.”

“Dad, stop. You don’t have to-“

“Yes, Simon, I do. I could have done anything else and it would have been a better reaction than what I did last night.”

“Well, not _anything_ else.”

Jack’s face had a pained expression, “You are so brave. You had to share part of your soul that you have hidden for so long but is such an important part of who you are. You are so brave for that. And I am so proud of you.”

“Dad-”

“Please, let me finish. The reason I walked away, it had nothing to do with you. That was all on me. When you said you were gay my mind flashed to all the awful jokes I’ve made over the years. And all I could think was how uncomfortable I’ve probably made you. How scared I made you feel to be yourself. So, I walked away. It was selfish of me. Simon, I can’t tell you how sorry I am. I wish I could go back to last night and do it all over again. Tell you that I love you and support you.”

“I know you do, Dad. I know. It’s alright,” Simon’s voice was gentle.

“It isn’t alright. It isn’t,” Jack looked like he might start crying.

“What I mean is that I understand. I forgive you.”

At his son’s words, the tears forming in Jack’s eyes spilled over. He rubbed hard at his eyes. His skin turned pink.

“Dad, you have to calm down or you’ll fall off the ladder and then we’ll have a whole new set of problems.”

The shaking in Jack’s shoulders was from laughter now, instead of tears.

Simon and Jack returned to their task of decorating.

A couple hours later, they stepped back from the house to admire their handiwork.

Bieber ran up, barking at Jack and Simon’s ankles. Simon picked up the little dog.

“What do you think, Bieber? Did we do a good job?”

Bieber yipped in response.

“Si, I have one more thing to say about our talk earlier,” Jack slung an arm around Simon’s shoulders.

“Okay.”

Jack paused, “are there any cute boys you’ve got your eye on?”

“Dad,” Simon groaned, “why are all of you suddenly so interested in my love life?”

“We were interested before,” Jack chuckled, “we just weren’t asking the right questions, apparently.”

“Whatever.”

“Are you going to answer the question?”

Simon rolled his eyes, “there isn’t anyone. Not _really_.”

“Not really? Not really? That’s the answer of a man who does have a crush.”

“I’m walking away now,” Simon walked toward the front door with Bieber.

“C’mon let’s talk about this. Is he cute?” Jack followed his son to the door.

“Ignoring you!” Simon called over his shoulder, but he smiled as he said it, because he knew he was going to be alright.

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 5th, 9:36pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Well?**

Blue,

It's all going to be okay.

Love, Jacques

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all who leave kudos and comments. I promise I read and love every single comment y'all write. 
> 
> Also, to update you all you commented. I have decided to continue this fic with the shorter chapter length. I think this will help keep a better flow and keep everything more cohesive. Additionally, I will be able to update more often.
> 
> Again, thank you. I love you all!


	7. Sept

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emails between Blue and Jacques

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 8 th, 9:21pm**

**SUBJECT: HELP!**

Blue,

My dad wants us to “sign up for Grindr together.” He thinks it’s just Facebook for gay people.

SEND HELP.

-Jacques

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 8 th, 11:43pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: HELP!**

Jacques,

I will send help as soon as I’ve finished laughing. I may need another 14 hours.

-Blue

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 8 th, 11:57pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: HELP!**

It isn’t that funny.

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 9 th, 12:07am**

**SUBJECT: Re: HELP!**

Yes, Jacques, it is.

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 9 th, 12:12am**

**SUBJECT: Re: HELP!**

Since you are being absolutely NO help, I have instead turned to blocking him out with headphones.

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 9 th, 12:14am**

**SUBJECT: Re: HELP!**

What are you listening to?

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 9 th, 12:23am**

**SUBJECT: Re: HELP!**

I can’t tell you that. It’s too embarrassing.

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 9 th, 12:29am**

**SUBJECT: Re: HELP!**

Now you HAVE to tell me.

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 9 th, 12:34am**

**SUBJECT: Re: HELP!**

Okay. It’s my guilty pleasure. I literally haven’t ever told a single soul what I’m about to tell you.

I love…

Taylor Swift. There. I said it.

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 9 th, 1:23am**

**SUBJECT: Re: HELP!**

Well now I’ve done it. I’ve said something so embarrassing and awful that you’re never going to speak to me again. I’m sorry to see you go this way, Blue. I’ll miss you.

* * *

  **FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 9 th, 7:16am**

**SUBJECT: Guilty Pleasures**

Jacques,

Have you ever heard of a thing called sleep? It’s a thing that people do sometimes. I highly recommend it. In other words, I wasn’t ignoring you.

I did need some time, however, to reconcile my mental image of you with this newfound information that you love Taylor Swift. I’m struggling.

-Blue

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 9 th, 12:05pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Guilty Pleasures**

Don’t knock it until you try it, Blue. She is a lyrical genius. Listen to “All Too Well” from her “Red” album and then just try denying that it’s a masterpiece.

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 9 th, 3:56pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Guilty Pleasures**

I promise to listen to it as soon as I get home.

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 9 th, 6:13pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Guilty Pleasures**

Jacques,

I hate that I’m about to admit this.

You were right.

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 9 th, 7:48pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Guilty Pleasures**

YES!!!

What about you? What is your musical guilty pleasure?

-Jacques

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 9 th, 8:20pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Guilty Pleasures**

I really like covers of songs, I suppose.

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 9 th, 9:01pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Guilty Pleasures**

Blue, liking covers of songs isn’t embarrassing.

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 9 th, 9:34pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Guilty Pleasures**

It is when you like the covers by the cast of _Glee,_ and you loudly sing along when you’re alone in the car.

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 9 th, 10:12pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Guilty Pleasures**

Blue,

What I would give to see that. Are you a good singer?

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 9 th, 10:39pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Guilty Pleasures**

Jacques,

I don’t think I’m half bad. I’ve never really sung for anyone before though, so I don’t truly know. I could be tone-deaf and have no idea. I play piano too. I’ll play for you someday.

-Blue

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 10 th, 7:03am**

**SUBJECT: Re: Guilty Pleasures**

Damn Blue, you’ve been holding out on me. That’s hot as hell.

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 10 th, 7:38am**

**SUBJECT: Re: Guilty Pleasures**

Don’t get your hopes up, Jacques. You don’t even know what I look like.

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 10 th, 7:56am**

**SUBJECT: Re: Guilty Pleasures**

Blue,

I know we’ve never met. I can’t even begin to imagine what you look like, but I know that you are so attractive. I don’t even care what you look like on the outside, actually. I know that inside you are the best person I’ve ever known. Everything about you is kind and warm and beautiful. Blue, I know you aren’t ready, and I’m okay with that, but someday we’ll meet face to face. I can’t stop imagining that day and imagining myself holding you and kissing you and never letting you go.

Love, Jacques

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 10 th, 7:59am**

**SUBJECT: Re: Guilty Pleasures**

Jacques,

I’m not ready for you to know who I am yet. I promise, someday I will be ready. When that day comes I will let you hold me, kiss me, and never let me go.

Love, Blue

* * *

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 16 th, 4:03pm**

**SUBJECT: Freedom (temporarily)**

Jacques,

Congratulations on finishing the semester. I hope all of your exams went well. I am so excited to have two weeks of freedom.

My dad is coming into town tomorrow. We’re celebrating a late Hanukkah this year. We always stay in a cheap motel and eat greasy pizza. Every year it’s horribly awkward. This year I’m thinking of increasing the awkward factor and coming out to him. I’m not sure if I can actually do it but I feel like I’m ready to take this next step. You’ve inspired me.

-Blue

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 16 th, 8:37pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Freedom (temporarily)**

Blue,

That’s amazing. I am so, so proud of you. I’ll be thinking about you tomorrow night and hoping that everything goes okay. You are so brave.

-Jacques

P.S. Remember that no matter how awkward it is, my entire life is full of awkward moments that are probably 30x as awkward as you telling your dad that you’re gay.

P.P.S I just used the word “awkward” three times in that sentence. Seems a little extreme.

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 17 th, 10:31pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Freedom (temporarily)**

Jacques,

I told him. He took it surprisingly well. I think that maybe he just doesn’t care that much since I only see him twice a year.

My coming out also wasn’t the most awkward part of the evening. My dad told me that my stepmom is pregnant. Now I have the explicit knowledge that my dad is having sex. It’s one of those things that everyone is aware of but avoids actually thinking about.

-Blue

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 17 th, 11:20pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Freedom (temporarily)**

Blue,

Wow. That’s rough. That’s really…wow. But I’m glad you were able to still come out to him. One step closer to know each other’s real identities.

-Jacques

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all. This chapter was so hard to write. I wanted it to be longer but I just had to call it good and be done with it. I don't particularly like this chapter that much but some of their conversation is necessary for the future. I did have plans for more "email-only" chapters down the road but now I am reconsidering. 
> 
> That being said, please let me know if...you also hate this idea of "email-only" chapter and I will never do it again OR you did like this style of chapter and you would like to see more like this (I am willing to attempt and challenge myself for all of you lovely people). If do like this style of chapter holla at your girl with any ideas of fluffy/flirty things or more serious topics that you would like to see the boys talk about.
> 
> I LOVE YOU ALL <3


	8. Huit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon celebrates Christmas and goes to a party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy this good bit of Simon/Bram interaction

Christmas morning, Simon woke up to his dad pounding on his bedroom door.

“Wake up sleepyhead. It’s time for presents.”

“Dad, it’s only,” Simon rolled over to check the time on his cell phone, “six in the morning.” Simon groaned.

“Like I said, time for presents.”

Simon heard his dad move down the hall and start pounding on Nora’s door. He crawled out of bed, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Simon stumbled around his room, pulling on a pair of plaid pajama pants and a hoodie.

Jack was standing in the hallway smiling when Simon opened his bedroom door.

“Why do we still do this? Nora and I aren’t little anymore and I think we would rather sleep in a little bit.”

In her half-asleep state, Nora nodded in agreement.

“Sorry, son. This isn’t about you.” Jack clapped him on the back, laughing.

Simon followed his family downstairs and plopped onto  a couch in the living room. Bieber jumped up onto his lap. Simon gave him a scratch behind the ears.

“Merry Christmas, Bieber.”

Nora brought Simon a plate of French toast drenched in syrup. She cuddled up to him on the couch while they waited for their parents.

Simon laughed at Nora’s excitement over her new Cuisinart mixer and her declaration that she _had_ to whip up a batch of cookies late that day. He immediately tried the Bluetooth headphones his parents got him and he lugged his record player from his bedroom to listen to the secondhand records from Nora.

It wasn’t until the stockings had all been opened, the presents unwrapped, and Jack had passed out for his annual nine-in-the-morning Christmas morning nap that Simon realized he had been holding his breath.

It wasn’t that Simon expected this holiday to be any different than the ones before. Maybe he was just wouldn’t be surprised if it had been any different. Simon glanced around at his family, his heart feeling overwhelmed by his love for them.

 

**FROM:** [ **frommywindow1@gmail.com** ](mailto:frommywindow1@gmail.com)

**TO:** [ **bluegreen118@gmail.com** ](mailto:bluegreen118@gmail.com)

**DATE: December 25 th, 11:28pm**

**SUBJECT: Merry Christmas**

Blue,

Merry Christmas! I had the best day with my family. I don’t know what I expected. I don’t think I expected Christmas to be terrible or awkward or whatever. But it was great. It was normal. It was just like every other Christmas.

The only thing that could have made this Christmas any better is if I could have spent it with you.

How was your Christmas? Do you have any plans for the rest of winter break?

-Love, Jacques

**FROM:** [ **bluegreen118@gmail.com** ](mailto:bluegreen118@gmail.com)

**TO:** [ **frommywindow1@gmail.com** ](mailto:frommywindow1@gmail.com)

**DATE: December 26 th, 2:03am**

**SUBJECT: Re: Merry Christmas**

Jacques,

You deserve a wonderful Christmas with your family.

I decided to continue my tradition of coming out to my family on important holidays by telling my mom that I’m gay. She took it really well. I think she couldn’t care less whether I like girls or guys as long as I’m not making life-ruining decisions. The only thing that could have made my day better is if I could be brave enough to tell you who I am. Then we could be together. I’m getting closer. I promise you, Jacques.

As for the rest of winter break, I don’t have much planned. I am hanging out with some friends tonight, but that is about it. What’s on your winter break agenda?

-Love, Blue

* * *

Simon woke up to an email from Blue the next morning. His eyes shot open as soon as he read the email. Simon swiped at his phone to call Leah.

 

_Video calling Leah Burke_

“Hey, Si. What’s up?”

“Blue just emailed me,” Simon ran a hand through his hair.

“Okay? Did he tell you his real name or something?”

“No, not that. He said he’s ‘hanging out with some friends tonight,’” Simon made quotation marks with his fingers.

“Simon, I don’t really know how you want me to react to that,” Leah’s face was confused.

“He’s a junior, Leah. He’s hanging out with some friends tonight. What if he’s going to be at Garrett’s party?”

Leah’s confusion morphed into thrill. “Oh my god! We have to make sure you look so good tonight.”

“Even if I do look good, Blue doesn’t know who I am so that doesn’t really help anything,” Simon pointed out.

“Yes it does. Listen to me. We make you look really good so that Blue, whoever he is, sees you and is like ‘hot damn, Simon Spier is a babe.’ Then when you actually tell him who you are, he’ll know he hit the fucking jackpot.”

Simon rubbed his eyes, not sure how to respond to Leah’s antics.

“So,” she continued, “what are you going to wear?”

A look of bewilderment washed over Simon’s face.

“Never mind. You’re hopeless. I’ll just come over.”

* * *

A few hours later, Leah was filtering through Simon’s closet.

“How is it possible that the only clothing you own is t-shirts and hoodies?”

“They’re comfortable,” Simon shrugged

“You’re hopeless,” Leah muttered.

Simon put a surprised look on his face, “don’t tell me you just figured that out now?”

Leah laughed and turned back to her task. “At least you’ve got a few nice pairs of jeans,” she picked a pair made of dark wash denim and threw them onto the bed.

Simon, knowing it was useless to try to help her, lay on his bed, scrolling through Instagram.

“No. No. No. No,” Leah pushed the hangers out of the way. She paused, “yes.” She pulled a maroon-colored long sleeve Henley from a hanger and tossed it at Simon. “Wear this.”

Simon knew better than to argue. He got up and went to change in the bathroom. When he came back, Leah was still digging through drawers.

“Aren’t you done yet?” Simon shook his head.

“Do you think a beanie would be too much?” Leah held up a black knitted object.

“Yes,” Simon scoffed, “it isn’t even cold out.”

“Oh my god. You are hopeless. Beanies are more about a look than keeping your ears warm. Go get me your hair gel. We’re going to make you look effortless and a little messy.”

Simon scrunched his face at his friend, “I don’t have any hair gel. Plus my hair is already messy.”

“There’s a difference between bed head,” she pointed Simon’s hair, “and messy on purpose.” Leah stalked out of the room towards the stairs. “Jack,” she called through the house, “I need your hair product.”

“I don’t use any hair product,” Jack yelled back.

“I’ve known you for 13 years, Jack, don’t lie to me.”

There was a pause, “it’s in the downstairs bathroom.”

Leah jogged back into Simon’s room a few minutes later. She twisted open the jar labeled “matte putty” ( _whatever that means,_ Simon thought to himself) and put a dab on her palm. She rubbed her hands together and then spread it into Simon’s hair.

“This will give your hair a little texture and make it look piecey.”

“Piecey isn’t a word,” Simon huffed.

“It is too,” Leah moved a couple more pieces of hair where she wanted them, “done. You look good.”

Simon moved towards the mirror on the back of his closet door. _I do look good._ Simon thought to himself. He wanted to run a hand through his hair, but refrained to avoid Leah’s wrath. Simon tugged the sleeves of his shirt up so they sat up in the middle of his forearms. “Do you think Blue will like it?” Simon rubbed the back of his neck.

“He’d be an idiot not to,” Leah was admiring her handiwork when something in one of Simon’s drawers caught her eye. She yanked on the fabric. “How long have you had this?” Her eyes were wide.

“Uhh I don’t know. It was my dad’s.”

“Put it on.”

Simon did as she commanded.

“Spier, you’ve been holding out on me,” Leah’s eyes twinkled.

Simon turned back to the mirror. He looked at his reflection wearing a worn leather bomber jacket. He couldn’t help but smile.

“The only way Blue isn’t going to think you’re a total babe is if he’s an idiot _and_ he’s blind.”

* * *

Simon, Leah, Abby, and Nick strolled up to Garrett’s house at five minutes to nine. The house was already teeming with high schoolers and thumping with loud music. The four friends pushed their way through the front door and into the mass.

“Yo, guys, you made it!” Garrett walked up with a red plastic cup in his hand. He high-fived Nick and Simon and gave Leah and Abby quick hugs.

“Dude, this party is,” Nick looked around, taking in the view, “it’s something else.”

Garrett waved his arm around, “you know the drill. Drinks in the kitchen. Beirut out back. Karaoke in the living room and dancing everywhere else.” Garrett moved on to greet more of his guests.

“Beirut?” Nick asked, “the four of us?”

Simon followed his friends through the crowded house until he got cut off by a group of giggling girls. Simon tried to dodge around them but felt his body bump into someone else’s anyways. “Sorry, man.”

“Simon, hey, man,” Bram grabbed Simon’s hand and pulled him into a bro hug.

“Hey, Bram,” Simon knew his smile was probably far too wide to be appropriate for this situation. Simon cast a quick glance at Bram. He was wearing a pale gray button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up his forearms. Simon’s eyes strayed to Bram’s hands and then to his bare forearms. _Damn. Damn. Damn. Are forearms normally an attractive body part?_ Simon’s eyes stayed on Bram’s arms for far too long. Simon prayed it was dark enough in the house that Bram wouldn’t notice.

“Cool jacket, Simon.” Bram gestured towards Simon’s outfit, pulling Simon back to reality.

“Oh, thanks. It was my dad’s in the 80s or something.”

“That’s awesome,” Bram grabbed Simon’s jacket near the collar and slid his hand down the zipper.

His fingertips were so close to Simon’s chest. _Breathe, Simon. Say something._

“I have to go play a game of Beirut,” Simon pointed a thumb over his shoulder and rubbed at the back of his neck.

Bram was stilling holding on to the jacket. He let his fingers fall away from the leather. “I’ll catch up with you later, then,” Bram offered Simon a gentle smile.

Simon started to back away, smiling too. “Yes. Let’s do that.”

Simon wandered through the house, finding his friends outside on the back patio. A ping-pong table was already set up with cups.

“Okay, it’s me and Abby against you and Leah,” Nick explained to Simon.

Simon and Leah high-fived.

“You’re going down, suckers,” Leah taunted.

“Ooh you might want to watch out, babe,” Abby narrowed her eyes at the competition, “those are fighting words.”

Leah smirked.

Simon went first. He arced the ball perfectly into a cup on the other side of the table. “Off to a good start.”

Half way through the game, the two teams were evenly matched. The four players were significantly tipsier than they had been when they arrived.

Garrett sauntered up to the table with another member of the soccer team, “Sam and I play winners.”

“We should be done here soon,” Simon said as Leah’s shot sailed into a cup, which Abby chugged.

Nick’s shot bounced off the rim of the second-to-last cup.

“Chug, Simon.”

Simon’s head whipped around to see Bram cheering him on and pumping his fist. Simon complied and swallowed the cheap contents of the cup. He turned to the table. One last cup stood on Nick and Abby’s side of the table. If Simon made this shot, they won. He was standing by the table, inspecting the best angle to make the shot.

“Come on, Si,” Leah encouraged him.

Bram stepped forward. He put his hand on the spot between Simon’s shoulder and his neck and squeezed, “You’ve got this.”

“Is everyone against us?” Nick sneered.

“Yes,” Bram, Simon, and Leah answered in unison.

Abby crossed her arms and pretended to pout.

Simon channeled the attention from Bram into confidence. He lined up his shot and flicked his wrist. The ping-pong ball plopped gently into the beer.

“Yeah! Leah and Simon, you’re going down this time,” Garrett cheered.

Leah tugged on the ends of her hair, “I don’t think I can handle another game.”

“Let’s go _dance,_ ” Abby gripped Leah’s wrists and dragged her away.

“I guess that means I’m in,” Bram sidled up next to Simon at the ping-pong table.

Simon had to remind himself to look away from Bram and his unfairly appealing forearms.

Bram elbowed Simon’s arm and gave him smug grin, “let’s show these kids how it’s done.”

* * *

Several beers and a win for Simon and Bram later, the two boys were standing up against the side of the house.

Simon, drunk and unfiltered, was leaning heavily on Bram.

“Bram,” Simon whispered loudly, “Brammy. Brammy Bram Bram.”

Bram giggled, “what?”

“I need to pee.”

“So go to the bathroom.”

“Bram,” Simon’s eyes widened and he turned to face the other boy, “I forgot how to walk. What am I going to do?”

“C’mon,” Bram gripped Simon’s arm and threw it over his shoulder. He wrapped his other arm around Simon’s waist. Bram dragged the shorter boy to the downstairs bathroom and shoved him inside. “I think you can handle this part yourself, I’ll wait for you here.”

When Simon exited the bathroom a few minutes later he glanced around for Bram. “Bram,” he called out, “I remembered how to walk!”

Bram appeared next to Simon holding a small paper cup. “I’m up next for karaoke,” Bram informed Simon before throwing his head back and drinking the contents of the cup in one swallow. His face pinched and he let out a small cough. “Tastes like nail polish.”

Simon laughed and followed Bram to the living room. Simon deposited himself on the couch to watch Bram sing. He wrapped his arms around a throw pillow and hugged it. Simon watched Bram pick his song. His shirt had a couple more buttons undone than it had at the beginning of the night.

Simon felt a body lower onto the sofa beside him and snuggle up to him.

“Si,” Abby wrapped her arms around her friend, “should I ask Nick out on a date?”

Simon blinked a few times as if it helped him to process thought. “Do you like him?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you like him when you’re sober too?”

“I think so.”

Simon nodded, “then okay.”

Simon and Abby leaned their heads together. They watched Bram sing and jump on the makeshift stage.

“Bram is really good,” Abby commented.

Simon heaved himself up from the couch, “come dance with me.” Simon dragged Abby behind him. Their bodies jumped and danced and shoved up against the other dancing teenagers.

Nick found them in the crowd and slung his arms around both of them. “Guys, this is just the _best night_.”

Simon stopped moving suddenly. “I have an idea.”

Nick and Abby stared expectantly.

“I’m going to tell everyone that I’m gay. Right now,” Simon started to walk away.

“Whoa, buddy,” Nick grabbed onto his friend. “Man, I think it’s great that you want to tell everyone. Love is love, man. But maybe you should wait until you’re sober to make any life-altering decisions.”

“I have to do it right now. While I’m brave.”

“You’re brave every day, Si. But you might want to remember coming out and if you do it right now I don’t think you will.”

Simon nodded solemnly, “you’re so smart, Nicky, what would I do without you?”

Nick pulled Simon in for a hug.

Simon glanced around. Leah and Abby had found each other again and they were dancing and sloshing pale brown liquid out of their cups.

“Simon,” a voice said lowly.

Simon tensed at the feeling of hot breath on his neck. _Blue?_ Simon’s mind went to the boy he had been thinking about day and night for months. _It can’t be._ Simon’s face fell with disappointment. He turned around.

Bram’s face was much closer to his than Simon had expected. Simon could feel Bram’s breathing on his face. He could see the way Bram’s long eyelashes fluttered when he blinked.

“Bram?” Simon watched Bram’s Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed hard.

“Sing with me.”

Simon kept his eyes on the back of Bram’s head as he followed him through the throng of teenagers. He vaguely registered agreeing to sing along to a Rhianna song.

Maybe it was their breathy version of “We Found Love,” maybe it was the proximity to one of the most attractive boys at Creekwood High School, maybe it was the amount of alcohol content of his bloodstream, but Simon’s mind couldn’t think anything except: _This must be what heaven is like._

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 28 th, 2:46am**

**SUBJECT: Knockin on heavens door**

Blue,

I had the best night ever. It was so so good. I wish you could have been there because we could have danced and sang adn had the best time together.

I think I want to tell the whole world that I’m gay. All the important poeple already know anyways so I don’t know who I am hiding it from anymore. I dont really care what people think of me anyways. At least, I don’t think I do. Maybe I’ll care more tomorrow after the room stops spinning.

I really like you, B. I don’t know what you look like but I know who you are and what you are like. I like you and I want to someday know who you are in real life.

-Love Jacques


	9. Neuf

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon makes a big decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Sunday, dears. I've realized one of my favorite parts of writing this fic is coming up with delicious sounding recipes that Nora cooks up and it always makes me hungry. Also I don't really know anything about high school sports seasons and when they occur so I'm just making them up because it's my fic and I can do what I want. Don't @ me.

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 28 th, 8:12am**

**SUBJECT: Re: Knockin on heavens door**

Jacques,

I’m guessing you were drunk last night when you emailed me. Still, I am glad that you had what sounds like a very fun evening. This morning, presumably sober, do you still want to come out? I think that’s very brave of you. I will support you no matter what you decide.

I really like you too, Jacques. I like that we have gotten to know each other in a very real and genuine way. I feel like I know you so much better than some of the friends I have known for years.

-Love, Blue

P.S. I am honored to be the recipient of your drunken emails

P.P.S. You’re cute when you’re drunk 

* * *

Simon woke up once during the middle of the night to vomit and chug some water. He snacked on the bag of chips he had snagged from the kitchen in his drunken state and brought up to his room. After passing out again, Simon woke up late the next morning.

Simon rubbed his dry eyes and took a long drink of water. He felt like he was on the verge of throwing up again so he lay down on the bed and turned his head to the side. He let the wave of nausea subside before trying to sit up again. His head pounded and the light streaming in through the window blinds wasn’t doing Simon any favors.

 

_(11:39am) Abby: Drink lots of water and take ibuprofen friends!!! <3_

_(11:42am) Nick: Imma need you to chill. How are you in such a good mood?_

_(11:43am) Abby: The sun is shining, the birds are chirping and I feel great!_

_(11:47am) Leah: fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck_

_(11:48am) Leah: wtf Abby_

_(11:50am) Abby: idk I don’t really get hangovers_

_(11:51am) Leah: stop being perfect I hate u_

_(11:53am) Simon: if you don’t stop making my phone buzz right next to my head I will murder every single one of you <3_

_(11:54am) Nick: the heart doesn’t belong in that sentence_

_(11:56am) Simon: I will kill you with love_

Simon dropped his phone onto his bed and made his way downstairs, hoping Nora was making something for breakfast.

“Simon, come try these sweet potato waffles,” Nora called when she saw her older brother stumble into the kitchen.

Simon plopped into a bar stool at the kitchen island. Nora stacked two waffles onto a plate, spooned cinnamon pecan streusel on top, and added a generous drizzle of maple syrup.

Simon cut a massive bite out of the waffles. His stomach gurgled thankfully. “Really good, Nora,” Simon’s mouth was still full of waffle.

“Are they fluffy enough? The streusel doesn’t have too much cinnamon?”

Simon just shook his head and shoved more into his mouth.

Nora came around to Simon’s side of the counter to place a glass of milk in front of him. She crinkled her nose at her brother. “You smell terrible. Like puke and sweat,” she commented with a knowing look on her face.

Simon, still chewing, gave her an apologetic look. He finished his plate and went to rinse it off in the sink. Simon gave his sister a sticky kiss on the top of her head before going back upstairs. In his room, Simon sniffed the t-shirt he was wearing. Nora wasn’t wrong. He did smell terrible. Simon grabbed a clean hoodie and pair of jeans and went into the bathroom.

In the shower, Simon’s mind wandered to the event of the previous evening. _Bram._ It seemed like Simon had spent the whole evening with Bram. They danced and sang and played Beirut together. _He grabbed my jacket. And he stood so close to me. And I was leaning all over him._ Was it possible for Bram to be gay? To be interested in Simon? _That’s just wishful thinking, Simon._ There was no way Bram was gay. Even if he was, Simon didn’t have any idea what that would mean to him. Simon knew he was in deep with Blue, even if he didn’t know Blue’s true identity he felt confident that someday he would know Blue. Simon couldn’t let himself fall for another guy when Blue had done so much for him and was so important to him. Simon especially couldn’t let himself fall for a guy who was completely and absolutely straight.

Simon snagged his towel from the hook and dried off. He threw on his clean clothes and threw a comb through his hair.

In his room, Simon plopped onto his bed and opened his laptop.

“Oh god,” Simon groaned, seeing the email he sent to Blue late last night, or early this morning depending on how you looked at it.

Simon noticed an open document on his computer and clicked on it.

 

_Hello everyone this is simon spier and I’m gay. Yes. That is right. I’m gay. I like dudes. My friend blue is the best and he makes me brave and so I want everyone to know that I lik e men because I don’t wantto hide anymore. That is all. Bye._

Simon laughed at his own drunk writing but was also thankful that drunk Simon had at least enough sense not to post the confession publicly. Simon thought back to last night and his idea to come out publicly. What he had written to Blue had been true. All the important people in his life already knew he was gay, so who was he hiding from anymore? His family and friends and Blue all accepted him. Did he really care what anyone thought about him? Was his sexuality really their business?

Simon opened a new, blank document and started typing.

 

_Students of Creekwood high, I’m writing this post to share one of the deepest parts of my soul, something that until recently I would have classified as my deepest, darkest secret. But I have decided that this thing no longer deserves to be a secret. I don’t deserve to hide this anymore. I’m gay. Yes, you read that right. You don’t have to worry about getting your eyes checked or actually cleaning the screen of your phone for once (although I do recommend that for hygiene purposes). For years I did everything I could to hide the fact that I am gay from my family and friends. It killed me on the inside and I am done letting society’s expectations of me dictate the way I act, the things I say, and the people I love. A while back, someone found out that I was gay and tried to use it against me. Although the person who did that (you know who you are) acted with copious amounts of assholery, I might still be hiding this part of me away if it weren’t for that person. Don’t think I’m thanking you, though. But if it wasn’t for that person’s idiotic life choices, I don’t think my friends would know. I don’t think I would have come out to my family. I wouldn’t know how good it feels to know that I have their love and support no matter who I am. I wouldn’t feel the freedom of being myself and being proud of myself. So to all of you who support me, who love me, who encourage me, who inspire me, who make me brave: thank you._

_-Love, Simon._

Simon hit save on the document. He closed his laptop, giving himself more time to deliberate before posting it for the whole world (or at least Creekwood high school) to see.

Simon wandered downstairs and saw his mom reading a book in the living room.

“Hey, mom,” Simon sat down next to her and rested his head on her shoulder.

“Hey, Si,” she closed her book, “what’s up, honey?”

“Mom,” Simon took a deep breath, “I think I might come out. To everyone. Like publicly,”

Emily nodded silently.

“Say something, please,” Simon turned to look at his mom.

“I’m thinking”

Simon groaned, “god. So you think it’s a bad idea?”

“No, Simon. I don’t think it’s a bad idea. I just want you to make sure you know what this means. Your friends have been great and supportive. Your dad, sister, and I obviously love you no matter what. But not everyone is going to react like we did. People are going to be mean. They are going to make jokes. They are going to make threats disguised as jokes. You might get threats that are just outright threats. They are going to look at you and think you’re an easy target.”

Simon didn’t respond.

“Also, there are going to be people you don’t even know that well. And those people are going to support you and stand by your side and defend you because they know that’s the right thing to do. There will be people you don’t know but they will be struggling in the same way you struggled. They will see your bravery and they will be inspired. They will see that maybe it isn’t so bad to be honest with the world and be yourself. They will look at you and think, ‘well if Simon Spier could do it, what is stopping me from coming out too?’ and you will make a difference to those people.”

Simon still didn’t say anything.

“There’s a good side and a bad side that will come from you coming out. I’m not trying to tell you one way or the other I just want you to consider all of the consequences that might occur. Whatever you decide to do, Simon, I support you. I love you. And God help any person who tries to hurt my baby boy.”

Simon laughed, “thanks, mom. I love you.” Simon climbed back up the stairs to his bedroom.

Simon sat himself in his desk chair and flipped open his computer again. Simon reread his message. He bit his bottom lip in thought. Simon knew his mom was right. A lot of good could come from this. He might finally feel free. That didn’t mean people wouldn’t act like dicks. It was just a matter of deciding whether the positive outweighed the negative.

Simon picked up his cell phone.

 

_(5:28pm) Simon: Hey guys. I’m going to come out. Publicly._

_(5:29pm) Nick: Congrats man, so proud of you. I gotta go to basketball tryouts so I’ll talk to you later_

_(5:30pm) Abby: So happy for you, Si!_

_(5:32pm) Leah: Si, that’s awesome_

_(5:34pm) Simon: Yeah. Once I post it I’m going to turn my phone off so I don’t have to see people’s responses or else I might throw up. Meet me at WaHo in 30 min?_

_(5:37pm) Leah: The vomit thing could just be lasting effects of the hangover lol. But yes, see you there._

_(5:38pm) Abby: Sounds good. See you in a bit._

Simon turned back to the computer. He opened his internet browser and directed it to the Creek Secrets tumblr blog. He clicked the button to start a new text post. Simon clicked back to his message and copy and pasted it into the blog. Simon stood up nervously. He paced his room.  He swung his arms around, stretching his muscles and getting the restless feeling out of them. Simon plopped back down into the desk chair. He ran his hands through his hair and pulled them down over his face.

“Okay,” he said to himself.

Simon moved the cursor across the screen. He paused. He thought about Blue. He thought about seeing Blue face to face. He thought about grabbing Blue and pulling him close and kissing him. That thought gave Simon the boost he needed to click.

There is was. His truth was out in the universe.

Simon powered down his phone and stuck it into his pocket. He picked up his wallet and car keys and walked out the door without looking back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Simon's post I took a lot of inspiration from Love, Simon. It obviously had to be different because of different circumstances but I still wanted it to be meaningful and very "Simon" if that makes sense.
> 
> If you are reading this you are amazing and I love you.


	10. Dix

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon deals with coming out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who leaves kudos and comments on this fic. I appreciate every one of you.

Half an hour later Simon sat in a booth with Leah and Abby.

“Can I go read the post, Simon? I just want to see what you wrote?” Leah asked.

“It’s out on the internet because I don’t care who reads it, Leah. So yes.” The nervousness on Simon’s face didn’t match the confidence of his words.

Simon had barely touched the stack of chocolate chip waffles in front of him. He had no problem guzzling down cup after cup of terrible Waffle House coffee, though.

Abby reached out and put her hand over Simon’s when he went to pick up the coffee mug again, “the caffeine is only going to make you more jittery than you already are.” She kicked Simon’s leg, which he couldn’t keep from bouncing under the table.

Simon wrung his hands together, “I just- I don’t want to know how people are going to react. But I also want to know exactly how people are going to react.”

Abby grabbed Simon’s hand, “at least you have some time before we have to go back to school and face everyone.”

“Yeah, maybe it won’t be so big of a deal by then.”

Leah looked up from her phone. She had a soft smile on her lips and her eyes were misty. “Si, this is great. I mean it’s really good. It’s beautiful. Blue- he’s going to love this.”

“Oh god,” Simon dropped his head in his hands, “do you think he’ll know it’s me?” Simon’s brain had already worked over this possibility several times.

“Well,” Leah wrapped an arm around her best friend, “you don’t come out and say ‘hey Blue, it’s me Jacques’ but if this Blue is as smart as you think he is then he can probably put two and two together.”

“Are you ready for that?” Concern knitted Abby’s eyebrows together.

“Yes. No. I don’t know,” Simon lowered his head to the table, “I guess I have to be.”

Abby and Leah exchanged a look but didn’t say a word.

“I’m okay with him knowing who I am. Actually, I _want_ him to know who I am. I just don’t want him to get freaked out and leave. I don’t want him to stop talking to me because he thinks I’m trying to rush him to do something he isn’t ready for. I’m really not trying to rush him. I don’t want him to feel like I’m forcing him to come out too. It was just the right time for me so I did it. I want him to do what’s best for him and come out when he is ready not when I’m ready. I would never do that. I’ll wait as long as it takes for Blue to be ready.”

“Wow, Simon,” Leah looked shocked, “you really like him, don’t you?”

“Yeah, I don’t know I might love him. Is that extreme?”

“No. If that’s how you feel then that’s how you feel.”

Simon nodded, “let’s talk about something else now.”

“Ooh,” Abby slapped her hands on the table, “let’s talk about cute boys.”

Leah laughed and bumped her arm against Simon’s, “yeah tell us about boys you think are cute.”

Simon laughed, “I don’t know. Guys, this is weird.”

“It’s just weird because you’ve never done it before,” Abby poked at Simon, “I’ll start. Michael B. Jordan.” Abby folded her hands under her chin.

“Oh that’s a good one,” Leah agreed. She looked at Simon expectantly.

Simon shifted his gaze between his two friends, “okay, I’ll give you that one. He is pretty hot.” All three teenagers laughed together.

“So,” Leah coaxed Simon.

He sighed. “Okay if you tell this to anyone outside of this table right now I will hurt you. Nora and I watch _Teen Wolf_ together-”

“You do not!” Leah laughed.

Simon nodded, “and it really isn’t that bad. But, I mainly watch it for Tyler Posey. He’s got a nose ring which is- mmm.”

Abby gave him a huge grin, “see? This is fun.”

Simon relaxed after that. He and his friends exchanged names and pictures of their favorite male celebrities.

After a while, Leah got up to use the bathroom. As soon as she was out of earshot, Simon leaned forward towards Abby.

“Hey, do you remember what we talked about at the party last night?”

“When?” Abby racked her brain.

“On the couch, watching karaoke,” Simon reminded her.

“Oh. The thing about Nick.” Abby looked down.

“That wasn’t just a drunk thing, was it?” Simon looked at Abby intensely.

She shook her head, “no. Do you think it’s a bad idea? I mean, we’re friends and I really don’t want to ruin that.”

“He’s a good guy. Obviously I think that or I wouldn’t be friends with him. He’s- I don’t know, he’s just Nick. He’s a goofball and he can be kind of crazy and ridiculous but he’s kind and considerate and probably one of the most forgiving people I know.”

Abby smiled up at Simon, “yeah, he’s really great. Do you think he likes me?”

“I really don’t know,” Simon pursed his lips, “do you want me to try and ask?”

Abby glanced up and saw Leah returning to the table, “I’ll let you know.” Abby picked up her phone as Leah sat down. “Nick is done with basketball tryouts; want me to tell him to meet us here?”

“Yeah, I know he wants to talk about this whole thing with me.”

 

20 minutes later Nick strolls into the restaurant with Garrett and Bram in tow.

Abby turned to Simon, “oh, I didn’t know Nick was going to bring them along. Are you okay with that?”

Simon’s mouth got dry at the sight of Bram. “Yeah, it’s totally fine.”

Nick slapped Simon’s shoulder as he walked past and then slipped into the booth beside Abby. “How are you doing, bro? Holding up?”

Garrett squeezed in beside Simon, leaving Bram to sit next to Nick and Abby.

“Yeah, I’m doing okay.”

Garrett turned to Simon looking concerned, “are you okay? Are you sick or something? You aren’t dying are you?”

Simon chuckled, “no, I’m fine, thanks though. I’m just gay.” Simon said it so casually he didn’t even realize the words had slipped out of his mouth. He wasn’t even sure Garrett would notice what he just said. Garrett noticed.

“Yeah? Good for you, man.” Garrett high-fived Simon.

Simon looked from Garrett, who was smiling, to Bram, whose expression he couldn’t quite make out.

“He just put up a whole post on Creek Secrets,” Leah explained.

“You did post it?” Nick asked, picking up his phone, “I haven’t read it yet.” Nick tapped the cell phone’s screen and scrolled until he came across Simon’s heartfelt confession. Bram leaned over Nick’s shoulder to read Simon’s words too.

Simon held his breath while they read the post. He was oblivious to Leah, Abby, and Garrett starting a different conversation around him. Simon’s eyes didn’t leave Bram’s face. As Bram read, Simon saw surprise and confusion flash across Bram’s eyes. There was a third emotion too, but Simon couldn’t quite discern what it was.

When they had finished reading, Nick tucked the phone bag into his gym bag. “That’s great, Simon.” Nick said more but Simon didn’t hear him.

Simon felt like his ears were muffled and his vision tunneled so he could only see Bram. He only saw Bram’s hard, expressionless face. He looked like he was wearing a mask. Simon felt his heart thump and his stomach drop. _Of all people,_ Simon thought, _I didn’t expect Bram to react this way._

Simon wasn’t able to focus on anything else. He felt like he was in a bubble while his friends laughed and joked and talked around him.

After what felt like hours, the group decided to part ways. Simon walked out of the restaurant with his friends. Nick offered to drive Abby home. Leah chatted at Simon while they walked towards his car. Simon’s eyes strayed to Bram. He watched Bram, still expressionless, climb into his car and drive away. Simon realized he was sitting in the driver’s seat of his own car. Leah was buckling her seatbelt.

“Are you okay, Si?”

Simon clicked the key into the ignition and turned. He backed out of the parking space. “Did Bram’s reaction seem weird to you?”

Leah raised one eyebrow, “weird how?”

“I don’t know. Like he didn’t really say anything. He seemed weirded out.”

Leah tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “It’s Bram. He doesn’t really say much in the first place. I’m sure he’s not weirded out because you’re gay. Some people just don’t know how to react. Maybe he didn’t want to accidentally say the wrong thing.”

“Maybe,” Simon added. He let Leah carry on the conversation for the rest of the drive.

Simon pulled the car into Leah’s driveway. She leaned over and pressed a kiss to his cheek.

“Love you, Si.”

“Love you too.” 

* * *

Bram woke up the next morning exhausted and restless. He felt like he hadn’t slept at all the previous night. His mind kept thinking one thing over and over again: _Simon is gay._ Simon, the boy Bram had secretly been crushing on since he moved to Shady Creek, Georgia at the beginning of August. Simon, who was sweet and good and kind. Simon, who listened to Bram and laughed at his quiet jokes that no one else seemed to hear. Simon, whose smile made Bram want to melt into the ground. Simon, who might very well be Jacques.

Bram got out of bed. He couldn’t keep his body still anymore. He dug through his drawer and pulled out a pair of running pants and a long sleeve t-shirt. He threw them on and then secured his running shoes. He had no power to do anything right now about his feelings for Simon or Jacques but he could run.

“Mom,” Bram called on his way out the door, “I’m going for a jog. I’ll be back later.” Bram pulled the front door shut behind him and set off.

Bram jogged through the neighborhood, letting the chilly December air fill his lungs and his mind. He runs through the suburban neighborhood, past houses that all look too similar with dogs barking from backyards and basketball hoops in the driveways.

Bram ran hard but his mind still found the ability to think about Simon and Jacques and maybe he didn’t have to think about Simon and Jacques separately anymore because maybe they were the same person.

Bram ran harder. He ran until he needed to rest and catch his breath. He looked around and realized he had no idea where he was. He looked up and down the street. Some of the houses seemed familiar; he thought he was maybe near Nick’s house. Bram shook his head. It didn’t matter. He had the time, and thoughts, to kill.

* * *

Simon walked into his room after washing his face. He threw the damp towel onto his bed and grabbed a sweatshirt. When Simon pulled the hoodie over his head, something outside his bedroom window caught his gaze.

Simon crept over to the window. He edged up to the glass to see better. It was a runner, paused on the sidewalk. He was faced away from the house so Simon couldn’t see the guy’s face.

Simon didn’t particularly mind the view of the runner’s ass when he bent down to stretch. Simon watched the guy straighten back up and turn slightly.

“Holy shit!” Simon flung his body to the ground. Simon carefully sat back up and peeked out the window, his eyes barely above the sill. His were not deceiving him. Outside on the sidewalk, Bram was stretching his quads. Simon ducked down again when Bram looked up towards the house.

“What are you doing?” Nora stood in Simon’s bedroom doorway.

“Shh.” Simon waved his hands erratically, motioning for Nora to leave.

Instead, she walked into the room. “Who are you hiding from?”

“No one. Now go away.”

Nora walked up to the window, “do you know that guy?”

“Oh my god.”

“He’s really cute,” Nora waved out the window.

“ _Oh my god._   Do you need something?”

“Oh I just made breakfast, if you want some.”

“I will eat whatever you want if you walk away right now.” Simon crawled on all fours out of his bedroom.

“You are being so weird,” Nora threw over her shoulder.

_Yeah._ Simon sighed to himself. But having Bram jog past his house wasn’t helping the matter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so initially I was planning this entire fic to be 3rd person limited POV and focus on Simon. But then I realized there were some scenes that I couldn't write unless they were focused on Bram. There will a smattering of these scenes scattered throughout as needed.
> 
> Also, sorry for no email correspondence in this chapter. I couldn't really find a good place to make it work but also actually add valuable content.


	11. Onze

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon returns to school after winter break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: homophobia/homophobic slurs nears the end of the chapter
> 
> I was planning on waiting to post this chapter until tomorrow but I love you all so here it is.

It was the first Monday back to school after winter break. Simon woke up with his stomach already churning. He showered, got dressed, and packed his backpack as best he could without focusing too much on the day’s potential for horror.

Simon tried to avoid pondering on the fact that he’s less nervous about random dicks messing with him and he’s more concerned with seeing Bram.

Simon hadn’t seen Bram since the “Waffle House Incident,” as Simon had taken to calling that day in his head. Well, except for the next morning when Simon “accidentally” checked him out from the window.

Simon jogged downstairs to the kitchen.

“Simon, come sit down.” Emily patted the chair next to her.

Simon did as his mom requested.

“Are you ready for today?” She asked.

“I don’t have a choice,” Simon shook his head. He picked at the rhubarb scone Nora dropped on the table in front of him.

“Okay well text me so I know that you are doing okay and if anything happens just call me.”

Simon smiled and put an arm around his mom, “I’ll be fine, mom.”

“Yeah, he’ll be fine, mom.” Jack added, his eyes crinkling with a smile. “Son, do you know what to do if someone tries to give you hell?”

Simon looked at his dad, slightly confused, “give them hell right back?”

“Atta boy!” Jack pulled his son into a hug.

Emily rolled her eyes, “Please just be safe. And if you don’t text me to tell me that you’re safe I will not hesitate to drive to your school and hunt you down. Got it?”

Simon kissed his mom on the cheek. “I will, promise.” Simon grabbed his scone and his keys on his way out the door.

Simon got into the car and drove to Nick’s house one-handed, eating his scone with the other. Simon pulled into Nick’s driveway.

“Hey, man,” Nick shuffled into the backseat.

Simon backed the car out of Nick’s driveway and across the street into Leah’s driveway.

“You good?”

“I will be once I have coffee.”

Leah laughed, “okay well consider us your personal bodyguards today, if you need us.”

“Why is everyone so convinced that I’m going to get jumped at school today? I’m going to be fine.”

Nick grabbed his shoulder, “we do live in conservative, suburban Georgia. You shouldn’t expect everyone to be accepting.”

Simon swallowed hard.

“We want everything to be okay, Simon. But we’re just worried for you. People are jerks.”

Nick nodded in agreement, “which is why we’ve got your back. I know Garrett and Bram are on your side too.”

Simon’s stomach twisted. _It’ll be fine._ He reminded himself.

Simon pulled up to the window at Dancing Goats and ordered four coffees, one with milk. Simon passed money through the window.

“Woohoo!” Abby cried as Simon pulled his car up to her apartment building, “the gang is back and ready to rock and roll.”

Simon, Nick, and Leah all giggled at Abby’s antics.

“Hi, buddy,” Abby reached forward and ruffled Simon’s hair.

Simon changed the subject and asked Nick about his recent dreams, which kept the conversation rolling until they rolled into the school parking lot.

Simon climbed out of the car and swung his backpack over his shoulders.

Leah walked on one side of him. Abby and Nick strolled on the other. They really were acting like Simon’s bodyguards. Even if he felt like he didn’t need bodyguards, he was glad to have friends who cared so much about him.

Nick and Leah split off towards the science wing of the school. Abby walked with him to his locker.

“Have you talked to Nick?”

Abby smiled, “we hung out on New Year’s Eve. It was fun.”

“So…?” Simon egged her on.

“I don’t know, Si. I don’t want to mention that I like him unless I know he feels the same. I don’t want to mess up our friendship. Plus, if I did and Nick turns me down or it goes badly, that affects you and Leah too.”

“I get it,” Simon wrapped an arm around Abby, “I’ll try to get something out of him, okay?” He winked at Abby.

“Love you, Si.” Abby took a left towards her Spanish class. She looked at someone behind Simon and nodded.

Simon turned around to see who Abby was acknowledging.

“So you’re in on this too, Bram?”

Bram smiled and shrugged at Simon. Simon wasn’t sure if he imagined the slight blush in Bram’s cheeks.

“Simon, I need to apologize.”

“What? Bram, for what?” Simon asked even though he was pretty sure where this was going.

“When we were at Waffle House, I reacted poorly. I shouldn’t have done that. I was surprised and I didn’t know what to say or how to react. I realized afterwards that you maybe thought I was being judgmental or that I wouldn’t want to be around you anymore, which isn’t the truth at all. I like you, Simon. You’re a cool dude. I’m sorry and I want you to know that I’m here for you, okay?”

Simon smiled softly at Bram, “thanks, man. I appreciate that. I know you weren’t being a jerk about this.”

Bram nodded and returned Simon’s smile.

The rest of the school day was kind of weird. Simon was escorted to every class. Often Abby was with him, since they shared the most classes. Sometimes Leah or Nick or Bram walked with him. Even Garrett acted as a bodyguard on the way to lunch. A few people Simon didn’t know very well said hello to him in the hallways. Simon definitely got more discreet glances and outright stares than he was used to. At lunch a few people that Simon didn’t talk to came up to him and congratulated him or offered words of support. Simon was grateful for the general sense of kindness and acceptance, but mostly he wished that things would just go back to normal. Simon longed for the days when he quietly went about his school day largely unnoticed.

After lunch, Simon and Nicked strolled to their shared math class. Simon interrupted Nick’s rambling about the basketball team. “Hey, Nick, what do you think about Abby?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean what do you think about her?”

“I don’t know. She’s cool. She’s funny and nice and super hot,” Nick paused, “that’s okay isn’t it? That I think that.”

Simon slapped a hand on Nick’s shoulder, “I’m not exactly interested in her.” Both boys laughed.

“I just mean because we’re friends and all,” Nick clarified.

“Yeah, I get it.”

“Why are you asking? Do you think she’s into me?” Nick’s eyes lit up.

Simon shrugged noncommittally, “I was just wondering.”

“Do you think I should ask her out?” Nick looked seriously at Simon.

Simon looked at Nick sideways, “do you want to ask her out?”

Nick didn’t have time to answer because their math teacher launched into a lesson and neither boy could afford to be distracted.

* * *

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: January 11 th, 3:34pm**

**SUBJECT: weirdddd**

Blue,

Today has been…weird. Like really weird. I don’t even know what else to say about it. My friends are great though. They are really looking out for me while I’m going through some stuff so that feels nice. Also two of my friends really like each other and they both want to ask the other out but they are definitely overthinking it. I kind of think they would be really great together so I’m trying to work some magic to make it happen. I’ll keep you updated.

How was your first day back at school?

-Love, Jacques

* * *

After school Abby met Simon at his locker before play rehearsal.

“Abby,” Simon scolded, “of all the places in this school, play rehearsal is probably the safest.”

Abby gently smacked the back of Simon’s head. “I’m walking with you because we’re _friends,_ remember? I actually like spending time with you.”

Simon hiked his backpack up on his shoulder and slammed his locker door shut, “I talked to Nick.”

Abby’s eyes went wide, “yeah?”

“He didn’t come right out and say it but I’m pretty sure he’s into you.” Simon glanced at Abby. A wide grin had spread across her face.

Abby turned and grabbed Simon’s arm, “you don’t mind, do you?”

“Are you asking me if I’m in love with Nick? Because the answer is yes.” Simon pulled his face into a serious expression.

Abby rolled her eyes, “I knew it all along.” She laughed.

“No, Abby, I don’t mind.”

“I just know that this could change our group’s dynamics and stuff and I don’t want to ruin anything. When I moved here, I didn’t really expect to make any good friends. I wasn’t really trying since I’ll be going off to college anyways. But then I met you guys and now I love you and I can’t imagine my life without you and I don’t want to mess that up.” Abby lowered her eyes to the ground

Simon pulled Abby into a hug, “you won’t mess it up. I swear. Honestly, if anything goes sideways with this I’m pretty both Leah and I will expect that it’s Nick’s fault.”

Abby giggled at Simon’s confidence in her.

“You might want to talk to Leah about it,” Simon suggested, “just to fill her in and see how she feels. But I’m sure it will be fine.”

Abby nodded, “yeah that’s a good plan. Okay.” Abby practically skipped the rest of the way to the auditorium.

Simon set his things down in a chair and looked up to see Ms. Albright approaching him.

“Simon, I’d like to speak with you.” She was using her serious voice. Ms. Albright gestured for Simon to sit down.

Simon complied.

“Simon, I wanted to check in and see how you are doing?” Ms. Albright leaned forward and rested her chin in her hand.

Simon narrowed his eyes at his teacher, “you know?”

“I hear rumors.”

Simon nodded, “Honestly, everything has been fine. No one has tried to bother me today. My friends aren’t leaving me alone for more than six seconds at a time. One of them even walked into the bathroom with me today,” Simon grimaced at the memory of Garrett standing guard of the urinals.

“You just need to be careful. At first, people are on edge. They watch for the bullying. But once everything calms down again, when your friends get a little more lenient, that’s when you really need be careful okay.”

Simon nodded. Ms. Albright was so serious it was kind of freaking him out.

“If you ever have any trouble, if you ever need any help, you come find me, okay? I hate to say this but administration at this school doesn’t always handle sensitive matters very well. Kids that should be protected don’t always get it and kids that deserve to be punished rarely get that either. It’s much more political than it should be. But what I’m saying is, as an adult and as a teacher in this school I will do my best to make sure you are treated well.”

Simon wasn’t used to having so many heartfelt conversations. He tried to keep his eyes from getting watery but he was unsuccessful. “Thanks, Ms. Albright,” he choked out.

“Now get your ass on stage, Spier” Ms. Albright said firmly but with a smile.

* * *

Bram wiped the sweat from his forehead. He shouldered into the locker room and to his locker after basketball practice.

“We might actually be pretty good this year,” Garrett sidled up to Bram.

“Yeah, maybe if coach benches you,” Bram retorted.

“Ohhh,” Nick laughed from Garrett’s other side and reached up for a high-five behind Garrett’s head.

The rest of the team filed in, sweating and laughing.

A couple lockers down from Bram stood two players that Bram didn’t know very well.

“Did you hear about that Spier kid?” Spencer asked.

The second guy, Aaron, pulled his clean shirt over his head, “yeah, I can’t believe I didn’t guess he was a fag sooner.”

Bram tensed up. He discreetly nudged Garrett and Nick. He angled his head towards the two guys, gesturing for his friends to listen.

“He is acting in the school play.”

“Thank god he isn’t on the team. I wouldn’t want his homo ass in here while we’re all changing,” Aaron laughed.

Bram slammed his locker door shut. He looked over his shoulder and saw Garrett and Nick nod at him.

The three of them approached Spencer and Aaron. Bram walked up to Aaron. He gripped the back of Aaron’s neck and got in his face.

Bram spoke low, “talking shit about people doesn’t make you cool. It doesn’t make you funny. It makes you an asshole. So don’t ever speak another homophobic word or even _think_ about coming close to Spier or you will have me to answer to. Understand?” His face was hardened.

Bram could feel the menacing glares from Nick and Garrett behind him.

Aaron and Spencer nodded and turned away. Bram released Aaron’s neck and looked around the locker room. No one else seemed to be aware of the interaction.

Bram grabbed his gym bag and stalked out of the locker room. He vaguely heard his name being called but he ignored it. Bram tugged his phone from his bag.

 

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: January 11 th, 6:21pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: weirdddd**

Jacques,

I’ve had a very strange day as well. I’m sorry your day was weird but it is good to hear that your friends are  making sure you are okay.

My day was pretty normal until the end of the day. Long story short I had to intimidate some stupid guy.

Do you have a plan to play matchmaker for your friends? You will have to let me know how it goes.

-Love, Blue

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: January 11 th, 8:11pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: weirdddd**

Blue,

I don’t have much of a plan. I think just a small push in the right direction and they will take of the rest themselves.

Is it weird that I find imagining you intimidate someone really hot?

-Love, Jacques


	12. Douze

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bram makes a big decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Garrett is a precious angel baby whom I love so very dearly. 
> 
> I think this is my favorite chapter I've written so far. I hope y'all like it too.

Bram sat on the edge of his bed and wrung his hands. Garrett sat across from him in the desk chair, his legs crossed and resting on the desk. He was repeatedly tossing a baseball in the air and catching it.

“Garrett, I need to tell you something.”

“What’s up?” Garrett tossed the ball.

Bram paused.

Garrett looked at his friend, “oh shit, this is serious isn’t it? Are you okay?” Garrett set the ball down and lowered his feet.

Bram bit his lip and sat on his hands. “You know Simon?”

“Yes, I know Simon,” Garrett scoffed.

“You know how he’s gay?” Bram could feel his heartrate increase. He squeezed his eyes shut.

“So?” Garrett leaned forward.

“I’m also gay as well.” Bram raised his eyes to look his friend.

Garrett was smiling at him. He stood up and walked over to Bram, “come here man,” Garrett spread his arms wide and pulled Bram into a hug.

Bram patted the other boy’s back, “uhh, Gare? We really don’t have to start being the kind of friends that hug all the time.”

Garrett stepped back, feigning offence, “My bad for thinking this seemed like a hugging occasion.”

Bram chuckled and rolled his eyes, “there’s more,” he admitted.

“Okay,” Garrett sat back down in the desk chair.

“Do you remember that anonymous post on Creek Secrets about the gay kid?”

Garrett nodded.

“Well that was me who posted it. After I posted it, someone emailed me. For months we’ve been emailing back and forth. We talk about everything and I’ve told him things that I’ve never told anyone else. He knows about my family and my hobbies and my favorite foods and I know all that about him. The only thing he doesn’t know about me is who I am. And for a really long time I didn’t know who he was either. Until a few weeks ago.”

Garrett processed Bram’s words for a few seconds before his face turned to one of surprise, “Simon.”

“Simon,” Bram repeated, “I think. I don’t know for sure but it all lines up.”

“You’re pretty sure it’s Simon?”

“He eats Oreos all the time at lunch. He talks about his family which all fits. He called himself Jacques.”

Garrett’s face twisted in confusion, “Jacques? What?”

“It’s like his penname, you know? Jacques a dit means ‘Simon says’ in French.”

Garrett nodded, “so how did you feel when you found out it was Simon?”

Bram’s mouth pulled into a wide grin.

“So you like him?” Garrett punched his arm.

“Gare,” Bram made eye contact, “I think I might love him.”

* * *

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: January 20 th, 5:01pm**

**SUBJECT: Coming Out 3.0**

Jacques,

I took a really big step today. I came out to one of my friends from school. I was anxious to talk about it but he took it so well. He was really supportive and encouraging and after I told him I felt really good about it. He even gave me a hug. I’m not someone who usually likes hugs but it was nice of him.

It made me feel a little more brave about coming out publicly. I’m not quite ready to take that step yet but I feel like I’m getting there.

I told my friend about you. I didn’t tell him everything but I told him that there was someone that I really cared about. I hope that’s okay.

-Love, Blue

 

Bram shut his laptop and flopped back onto his bed. He felt a little guilty about keeping his identity from Simon and pretending like he didn’t know who Jacques really was. Bram felt lost. He wasn’t sure he was ready for everyone to know he was gay. He knew he could trust Simon and he knew he could trust their friends but sometimes it still felt so impossible to put himself out there.

Bram wandered downstairs to find his mom. He found her sitting at the dining room table writing a grocery list.

“Hey mom,” he lowered himself onto a chair next to her.

His mom kept writing, “hey, honey. What’s up?”

 **“** Mom, there’s this guy. I really like him,”

His mom set her pen down and smiled at him, “who is he?”

“His name is Simon. He’s- he’s amazing, mom. He’s funny and kind. The thing is he doesn’t really know who I am.”

His mom’s eyes narrowed.

“We’ve been emailing and we kept it anonymous because no one knew either of us was gay. But now I figured out who he is and he still doesn’t know who I am.” Bram leaned his chin against his hand.

“You look like you feel guilty about it.”

“I do. I feel like I’m lying to him. I want him to know who I am but I’m also afraid it will ruin the good thing we have.”

“It’s okay to not be ready, Abraham, you should never be forced to come out if you aren’t ready. But if you feel so guilty then maybe you need to do something about it. Maybe you need to tell that you know who he is. If he’s the right guy then he will be okay with waiting for you to be ready. If he’s the right guy then him knowing who you are won’t change what you have; it will make it better.”

Bram thanked his mom and went back upstairs to ponder the situation with Simon. Bram’s phone sat on the desk, blinking with a notification.

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: January 20 th, 6:22pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Coming Out 3.0**

Blue,

First, that’s amazing. I am so happy that it went so well. It must feel really good to know that there are people who are loving an supporting you. Please know that I am happy for you and I am happy with every step you take. I don’t want you to ever feel like I’m rushing you or unhappy with you. Please don’t ever think that or feel that.

Second, maybe it’s because I grew up in the family I did and we give out hugs for every little thing and sometimes for no reason at all but I can’t imagine what it must be like to be someone who says “I don’t like hugs.”

Third, yes. Yes, Blue, it is okay that you told your friend about me. Actually, that makes me immensely happy that I am special enough to you for you to talk about me with your friend. Blue I want to tell everyone about you. I want to tell me parents, my friends, and random strangers about you. I want to climb a mountain and shout how I feel about you. Sorry if that seems dramatic.

-Love, Jacques

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: January 20 th, 7:08pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Coming Out 3.0**

Jacques,

Don’t apologize. It is a little dramatic but I appreciate the sentiment. You are special to me too, Jacques. You are one of the best things to ever happen to me.

I never feel like you are rushing me. You encourage and inspire me, but you never rush me. Please know that.

I didn’t grow up in a family that hugs often so I’m not really used to that much physical affection. I have a feeling I would let you hug me, though. Actually, I would let you do a lot more to me than just hug.

-Love, Blue

* * *

Bram and Garrett walked up to their lunch table together the next day. Bram tried to ignore Garrett’s wink when Bram slid into the seat next to Simon. Bram gave Garrett the dirtiest look he could manage without anyone else noticing.

Bram turned to Simon, “are you ready for the play to open?”

“Yeah, I think we’ll be ready by our first show. I hope. There are a few parts that still need to be smoothed out. At this point I feel really prepared but I also have no actual speaking lines. I just have to stand and sometimes dance in the background,” Simon rambled.

While Simon was talking, Bram snuck his hand over and snagged some fries off Simon’s tray. “I’m sure you’re more important than you make it seem.”

Simon blushed slightly, “I’m not blind, you know.”

“What?” Bram looked around the table.

Simon gestured towards his fries, “You asked me about the play just so you could steal fries while I was talking,” Simon elbowed Bram’s side.

“That’s not the _only_ reason,” Bram teased. He ignored Garrett’s kick to his shin under the table.

Simon laughed and slipped his second basket of fries onto Bram’s tray, just like he had been doing almost every day for months. Bram was aware that he was completely capable of purchasing his own fries in the lunch line. Bram was also aware that conversations like this were the reason he didn’t.

 

Later that afternoon, Bram and Simon walked to the English class they had together.

“You know what’s weird?” Simon asked.

“What?”

“I thought that there would be more people commenting or messing with me or just being jerks in general after I came out. I expected to deal with a lot more crap.”

Bram thought back to the locker room when he had threatened Aaron and Spencer if they tried anything to mess with Simon. They had taken Bram at his word. News that Simon had people on his side had spread pretty quickly, so either people just didn’t care that Simon was gay or they were smart enough to know not to mess with Bram, Nick, and Garrett.

“That’s good though,” Bram pointed out.

“Oh yeah, I’m not complaining or anything. I’m just surprised is all.”

Simon took his seat in the class, a couple rows back and to the right from Bram’s desk. It gave Simon the perfect angle to watch Bram if the English lesson that day wasn’t holding his attention.

Today’s lesson was not holding his attention. Simon stared at Bram’s hands. _His beautiful hands._ Simon watched his hands tap the desk, turn pages in a book, and twirl a pen. When his hands moved the pen up to Bram’s mouth, Simon thought he might pass out. Bram opened his mouth and held pen in his teeth. Simon couldn’t look away but he also felt like he was intruding on an intimate moment.

Bram took the pen from his mouth and set it on the desk. He couldn’t stop fidgeting. He wanted to look back at Simon but he couldn’t think of a way accomplish it without looking awkward.

Bram swiped his pen off the desk so it fell on the floor. When he bent over to pick it up he stole a glance backwards at Simon.

Simon was looking at him; his eyes twinkled with laughter. Bram grinned back.

Moments like this made Bram want to stand up on his desk and declare his sexuality to the world and ask Simon Spier on a date. He refrained.

Bram kept his eyes facing forward for the rest of the class period. His mind was anywhere but. It twisted Bram up inside, knowing that he saw the whole picture. He knew Simon was gay and he knew Simon was Jacques. Simon, on the other hand, had no idea that Bram was gay let alone that he was Blue.

 _Just say it. Just say, it’s me. I’m Blue. He won’t be mad._ Bram tried to convince himself to be bold. Deep down he knew that Simon would just be happy to finally know who Blue was.

The bell rang and everyone packed their things into backpacks.

“Simon,” Bram called out.

Simon hitched his backpack over his shoulders. He waited for Bram by the doorway.

“Umm, Simon, I-” Bram started. He looked Simon in the eye. _I’m Blue._ “Are you coming to the basketball game on Friday?”

* * *

A couple days later Bram sat next to Simon at lunch again. He already had Simon’s extra fries on his own tray. The group was laughing at one of Abby’s animated stories when a girl walked up to the table.

Simon recognized her. He thought her name was Chloe but he didn’t know her well enough to be sure.

“Hey, Simon.”

“Hey,” Simon barely looked up at the girl. Since he had come out, people he didn’t know had taken to walking up to Simon and offering words of support and encouragement. It was nice enough, but Simon didn’t really care.

“Can I talk to you?” The girl, maybe Chloe, asked.

“Sure,” Simon turned around but didn’t stand up.

The girl looked annoyed, like she didn’t want five other people staring at her too, “umm I was wondering if you wanted to go out on a date sometime?”

Behind Simon, Bram choked on the drink of water he was taking. “What?” he coughed out.

He heard Abby softly say “honey, no.”

Nick and Garrett put their heads together and giggled.

Leah got defensive, “is this some joke?”

“Why would this be a joke,” the girl looked confused.

Leah shook her head, “do you ever read Creek Secrets?”

The girl shook her head, looking even more confused.

“Oh my god,” Leah groaned.

Simon patted Leah’s shoulder, “it’s cool, I got it,” he whispered to her. Simon stood up, “I’m flattered. Really, I am. You’re very nice looking, objectively speaking,” Simon ignored the giggles behind him, “but, no. I’m gay as fuck.”

The girl looked horrified. She bowed her head, mumbled an apology, and ran off as quickly as possible.

Simon sat back down and faced his friends. They were all on the verge of hysterics. Simon’s shoulders shook from trying to hold in his laughter. Simon waved a finger at them all, “we are never speaking of this ever again.”

* * *

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: January 22 nd, 7:12pm**

**SUBJECT: It’s kind of a funny story**

Blue,

A girl asked me out at lunch today. My friends thought it was the funniest thing they’ve ever witnessed.

-Love, Jacques


	13. Treize

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The play opens and Carter Addison makes a second appearance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to apologize in advance for this.

Simon stood in the boys’ dressing room putting on his costume. It was opening night of the play and all the cast and crew members were flying around backstage making sure all the last minute details were in place.

Simon checked his reflection in a mirror. His hair was still in its usual state of bedhead. Abby had told Simon to come find her when he need his hair and stage makeup done.

Simon exited the dressing room and headed towards the girls’ dressing room when he saw Abby bounding up to him.

“Abby, you look amazing,” Simon grinned.

Abby demonstrated a few high kicks and twirled the feather boa draped around her shoulders, “thanks, Si. Come with me.” She grabbed Simon’s hand and dragged him to the girls’ dressing room. “I’m bringing Simon in here,” Abby called out a warning when she pushed the door open. No one seemed to care.

Simon sat in a chair as commanded. Abby began working product through his hair and pushing it back from his face. She applied makeup to his skin, but just enough so the stage lights wouldn’t wash him out. Abby stepped back to admire her handiwork.

“Hmm,” Abby tapped her chin in thought, “oh!” Abby grabbed a kohl pencil eyeliner from the table and began smearing it around Simon’s eyes.

Simon winced at the hard object shoved near his eye.

Abby clicked her tongue, “you’re fine.”

“Is this necessary?”

“Once you see how you look, you’ll be thanking me.” Abby reached up and gently rubbed at the eyeliner with her finger, making it smudge.

“Okay. I’m done.”

Simon turned in his chair.

“Well?” Abby asked.

“I look- I look hot. I think.”

“You look hot,” Abby confirmed. She leaned in close to Simon’s ear, “Blue will love it,” she whispered.

Simon smiled at his reflection.

“Do you think he’ll come?” Abby asked, checking out her own reflection next to Simon.

“I don’t know,” Simon shook his head, “I mean I hope so but I really don’t know.” Simon imagined Blue sitting in the audience, watching only him. He imagined Blue coming up to him after the show and congratulating him and telling him how great he was. He imagined seeing Blue and immediately knowing it was him. Simon would throw his arms around Blue and never let go.

Simon’s thoughts were interrupted when Cal entered the room looking stressed and clutching his clipboard tightly, “curtain goes up in fifteen,” he shouted into the dressing room.

Everyone started moving a little more quickly after that. Simon took one more look at his slicked hair and dark eyes. He adjusted the sleeves of his jacket, secured the buttons, and walked toward the stage.

Simon stood in the wings of the stage next to Abby. She took his hand and squeezed it. Simon glanced over at her. She looked much more nervous than he felt, she also had a bigger role and more to remember.

“You’re amazing,” Simon whispered to his friend.

Abby smiled and squeezed his hand harder.

The students could hear Ms. Albright greeting the audience and welcoming everyone to the play, “this talented group of students worked extremely hard to prepare this show for you. We kindly request that you enjoy and appreciate their fine work by turning your cell phones off and putting them away. If you are interested in a video recording of our production, there will be a table outside after the show to reserve a copy. Thank you, and please, enjoy the show.”

Ms. Albright exited the stage. Across the stage, Simon could see Cal reading his clipboard and speaking into his headset. The heavy curtain rose and the stage lights switched on.

Simon and the other cast members rushed out to the stage, dancing and singing the opening number.

 

Simon stood offstage, waiting for his cue for the start of the final song. The show had gone relatively smoothly, so far. Company member #3 had tripped on stage, and Abby had accidentally (or maybe purposefully) smacked Martin in the face with her boa and he spit a feather out of his mouth. Other than that, the show was going according to plan.

Simon danced out onto the stage with to other company members. His eyes scanned the audience. He couldn’t see much with the glaring lights. He was pretty sure he knew where his family was sitting, but only because of Jack’s tendency for deafening whistles. In reality, Simon was looking for Blue. He knew it was ridiculous but maybe their eyes would meet across the room and they would just know.

Simon stepped over to Abby and grabbed her hand. They danced across the stage and Simon led her to center-stage. Abby sang her last notes and threw her arms up in the air.

Thunderous applause filled the auditorium. Simon saw a few people, including his parents, giving them, a standing ovation.

The students exited the stage. They all hurried to the dressing rooms to change into their normal clothing so they could go find their families and friends.

Simon changed quickly. He wiped at his face to get some of the makeup off. He considered rubbing off the eyeliner, but decided better of it. Simon waited outside the girls’ dressing room, waiting for Abby to finish changing.

She came out of the dressing room a few minutes later. They walked together towards the front of the school smiling and laughing and still feeling the high of the performance.

“Abby! Simon!” Nick found them first. Abby ran up to hug Nick. She lifted her feet off the ground when he squeezed her tight.

Simon just stood their smirking at them.

Abby and Nick both turned to look at Simon. “What?” Abby asked.

Simon shook his head, “nothing,” he said, trying to contain his giggling.

“You know you want one too,” Nick spread his arms wide.

Simon shrugged and ran towards Nick, jumping onto him and wrapping his legs around his friend.

“Love you, buddy,” Nick patted Simon’s back, “you were great.” Nick carefully lowered Simon to the ground.

“Thanks, I was really just there to make Abby look better.”

“Well, it worked,” Nick stole a glance at Abby.

Simon slowly backed away, “I’m going to go find my family. I’ll see you guys later.”

Simon walked around, looking for his family. He finally spotted his mom at the table for preordering DVD copies of the show. Emily was handing cash to the girl at the table.

“Please, don’t buy that,” Simon begged as he approached his family.

Emily tucked her change into her purse. “Too late,” she said with a smile. She put her hands on either side of Simon’s face and pulled him in to kiss his forehead. “You were awesome.”

Jack and Nora fervently agreed.

Simon felt himself blushing at his family’s gushing over him.

Emily wrapped her arms around Simon and squished her cheek against her son’s, “my baby boy is so talented. You stole the show.”

“I really didn’t, but thanks mom,” Simon gently moved away.

“Are you hungry? Let’s go to The Varsity to celebrate.” Jack clapped his son on the shoulder.

Simon started to walk towards the parking lot with his family when out of the corner of his eye he saw someone waving at him.

“Hey, I’ll catch up with you guys,” Simon called to his family. Simon turned around towards the person waving at him, “Carter Addison, hey.”

“Hey, Simon. Great job tonight,” Carter clapped Simon on the back. Simon noticed that Carter didn’t immediately move his hand away and let it rest on his shoulder for a second.

“Thanks, man. What are you doing here?”

Carter laughed, “I’m here to see Martin, my brother.”

“Oh, right,” Simon chuckled, “I kind of forgot you two are related.”

“I’ve been trying to do that my whole life,” his eyes crinkled when he smiled at Simon.

Simon shoved his hands into his pockets. The two stood there in awkward silence for a beat.

“I should go-”

“Hey, I was wonde-” Carter spoke at the same time at Simon.

“You go,” Simon said.

“Do you want to grab coffee?” Carter rubbed the back of his neck.

“I’m getting dinner with my family tonight-”

“Oh, okay.”

“But I think I could tomorrow,” Simon finished.

“Great,” Carter offered him a smile, “I’ll meet you here, again.”

Simon nodded and waved before running off to catch up to his family.

 

**FROM:** **frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO:** **b** **luegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: January 23 rd, 9:04pm**

**SUBJECT: because I know you watch Glee**

Blue,

Did you go see the school play? I was there tonight. It was really good. I highly recommend it, especially because I know you watch Glee. This should be right up your alley.

-Love, Jacques

 

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: January 23 rd, 10:11pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: because I know you watch Glee.**

Jacques,

I feel betrayed. I told you that in confidence, not so you could use it against me. I may have to rethink this whole email relationship.

I wasn’t at the play tonight, but I am planning on going tomorrow. I know a couple of the people in it so I want to go cheer them on. Will you be there tomorrow night? Maybe I’ll see you

-Love Blue 

* * *

The next night, Abby offered to do Simon’s makeup again.

“It sounds like you have a date,” Abby commented as she smudged the black pencil around Simon’s eyes.

“It isn’t a date,” Simon countered, “we’re friends, I mean he helped me with the whole Martin thing.”

Abby rolled her eyes, “well either way, don’t you dare wash this eyeliner off before you go.”

Simon left the girls’ dressing room to finish getting his costume on. When he entered the boys’ dressing room Martin cornered him by the door.

“Hey, Simon.”

“Hey.” Simon said shortly.

“I just wanted to say again that I’m really sorry about the whole thing I did earlier this year. It was really crappy of me and I hope we can be friends again.”

Simon stared at Martin in awe, “Martin, here’s the thing, we weren’t really friends to begin with. And no offence but I really try not to be friends with people who attempt to blackmail me. I’m over it, Martin. I’m not mad at you anymore and everything ended up working out okay, no thanks to you. But I don’t want to be friends. Please just, leave me alone.”

Martin looked crushed.

Simon felt a small twinge of guilt in his stomach. _Maybe I shouldn’t be so harsh with him._ Simon shook his head. Martin had done a really terrible thing. Simon wasn’t going to treat him like dirt but he certainly wasn’t going to be his friend either.

 

After the show, Abby followed Simon off the stage. “Have fun,” she wiggled her eyebrows at him, “and don’t touch that eyeliner.”

Simon rolled his eyes at Abby. She was ridiculous. _She’s totally wrong. This isn’t a date. It’s just two friends hanging out._

Simon quickly changed back into his clothes and walked to the school’s entryway. He looked around, not sure where to find Carter.

People from the audience were still spilling out of the doors to Simon’s left. Simon saw a familiar face exit the auditorium.

“Bram!” Simon called out.

Bram’s face split into a wide smile, “Simon, hey, you were so great tonight.”

Simon rubbed his arm, “oh, I don’t know. Thanks.” He bounced awkwardly form one leg to the other.

“You look-” Bram paused. He swallowed hard. “You look different.” Bram couldn’t tear his eyes away from Simon’s.

“Abby put eyeliner on me.”

“Right, yeah. It looks umm-” Bram trailed off without finishing the thought. “So how many more shows do you have?”

“Uhh we have a couple of show during the week and then next weekend is our last show.”

“So will you be able to go to the winter carnival next weekend?”

“Yes I will be there,” Simon smiled at Bram. “Will you be there?” He ventured.

Bram chuckled, “Garrett is dragging me along so he has someone to ride all of the rides with.”

“That sounds like something Garrett would do.”

The conversation was abruptly interrupted when a hand slid onto Simon’s shoulder.

Simon looked up and saw Carter standing there. Simon’s eyes flashed to Bram. He couldn’t tell if he was imagining Bram’s body stiffening or his eyes going cold.

“You ready to go?” Carter smiled down at Simon.

Simon nodded. “I gotta go, Bram. I’ll see you at school on Monday?”

“Yeah,” Bram’s voice was barely above a whisper. He quickly turned around and stalked away.

Simon felt his stomach in knots. “Let’s go,” he choked out to Carter.

Carter started chattering away about something that Simon couldn’t focus on. He could only think about how hurt Bram looked. He could only think about whether Abby was right and this was a date. He could only think about what he was going to tell Blue.


	14. Quatorze

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon goes out with Carter.

Simon and Carter decided to drive separately to the coffee shop so they didn't have to go back and get either of their cars later.

In his car, Simon plugged the auxiliary cord into his phone. He picked a song with a soothing melody to try to calm down. _God. Is this a date?_ Simon turned the volume up, hoping the Elliot Smith's voice would drown out his raging thoughts.

In the Dancing Goats parking lot, Simon ran his hands through his hair. His heart was thumping in his chest but not in a positive wow-Blue-is-so-amazing way, more in an oh-my-god-what-am-i-doing-this-might-be-a-huge-mistake sort of way.

Simon saw Carter waiting for him outside the vehicle. Carter gave a small wave. Simon responded with a nervous smile that he hoped didn't look that nervous.

Simon climbed out of the car and clicked the lock button on his key fob until the vehicle let out a beeping noise.

Simon and Carter wandered into the coffee shop. It wasn't very busy on the Saturday evening.

Simon walked up to the counter.

"How are you doing tonight?" The barista asked.

"I'm pretty good. How are you?" Simon smiled.

"I'm great. A little bored," the barista laughed, looking around the nearly empty café. "What can I get for you?"

"I'll have a large iced coffee, please," Simon pulled his wallet from his back pocket.

Carter stopped him, "I've got it."

"Oh," _Shit._ Simon looked behind him, "are you sure?"

Carter nodded and stepped up to the counter. He ordered a cappuccino for himself and paid for both drinks.

Simon was still holding his wallet so he pulled out a couple of bills and shoved them in the tip jar. The barista shot him a beaming smile.

The barista said she would bring the drinks to their table when they were ready so Simon and Carter sat down.

Simon nervously bounced his leg under the table.

"Everybody likes you," Carter commented.

"What are you talking about?" Simon shook his head.

Carter folded his hands together on the table. "You're just one of those people that everyone likes. You ask baristas how they are doing and you tip them."

"That's just being polite," Simon argued.

"It's not just that. It's like when you ask someone how they are doing it doesn't feel like it’s an obligation. It feels like you genuinely care about that person even if they are a complete stranger. People can't help but like you."

Simon's chest felt warm from the compliment. He didn't know how to respond to Carter's kind words.

"So how is school going?" Simon asked.

"It's crazy that I've already finished my first semester of college."

"What are you majoring in?"

Carter sighed, "right now I'm doing electrical engineering. I like it but I'm not sure it's what I want to do forever. I'm thinking about switching to architectural engineering or civil engineering."

"So like, designing bridges?" Simon clarified.

"Yeah or roads and highways or sewer systems."

"Gross." Simon wrinkled his nose

Carter chuckled, "someone has to do it."

"And I'm very grateful that someone does. Is college everything you thought it would be."

"No." Carter threw his head back in laughter, "sorry. I'm not laughing at you. It's just nothing like I thought it would be."

Simon stayed silent, letting Carter elaborate.

"There's all these expectations of what college will be like. You think it will be like one huge party where you are always having fun and you meet the people who will be your friends for life and you will really 'find yourself.' But in reality it can be really lonely. And you feel like you have no friends. And it isn't always fun. You feel like everyone is having a better time than you and you wonder if you are doing something wrong. But I was talking to a buddy in one of my classes and he said he felt the same way. He said he felt so isolated from everyone else. Part of it too, I think was coming out right before going to college. I expected all this freedom and a sense of camaraderie and a community to be a part of. And instead I just felt really shut off from everyone around me. It might change, I hope it does. I have plenty of time to meet the people who will be my lifelong friends but that doesn't mean it isn't really sucky right now."

Simon started at the boy across the table.

"Oh God, I'm sorry I just dumped all that on you. That was a lot."

"No. Seriously it's fine. You needed to let it out."

Carter ran a hand over his face, "I'm just trying to be honest. I'm sure college can be really great. But I'm still holding out. I don’t want to scare you, I just wish someone had been honest with me about their experience.” Carter paused, “thanks for listening to my rant. See, its things like this why everybody likes you."

Simon let Carter’s words hang in the air for a beat.

"Is this a date?" Simon heard himself spit out.

Carter bit his lip. "I guess we never clarified. I wouldn't mind if this was a date. If that's what you want too." He sounded apprehensive

Simon swallowed hard. "I'm sorry," he whispered, "you're really cool but there's sort of someone else." Simon wiped his hands on his jeans.

"I get it," Carter offered a soft smile, "I'll admit I'm disappointed. But I get it. Is it the email guy?"

Simon's mouth involuntarily spread into a grin. He nodded.

"Tell me about him," Carter prompted.

Simon took a long sip of his coffee. "I still don't know who he is. Not his name anyways. But we talk every day. We talk about everything. I feel like I know him as well as I know my best friends. I feel like he's been a part of my life for years instead of five months. He isn't out yet, which is why I don't know his name. Well, he came out to his parents and one of his friends. But he isn't ready for everyone to know yet," Simon gushed.

Carter had a strange look on his face.

"Do you think I'm crazy?" Simon asked.

Carter smiled and shook his head. "No, I think you're in pretty deep, though. You like this guy a lot, don't you?"

Simon took a deep breath, "I think I might be in love with him."

"Wow," Carter breathed.

“I know that seems like a lot considering I’ve never met the guy and I don’t know his real name even. It’s funny though, that doesn’t seem to really matter. I don’t think it would really change how I feel about him. It probably seems crazy to be waiting for this guy.”

Carter leaned his face into his hand, “I don’t really see it like you’re waiting around for him. It’s more that you’re supporting him and his choices and allowing him to do what’s best for him. If this guy and special, and from the look on your face I’m guessing he’s pretty special, then I say it’s not crazy.”

Simon took another drink of his coffee. “I really appreciate that. Have you always been so wise?”

Carter laughed at Simon’s question. “I don’t think anyone has ever called me that.”

“Well I am. You seem so cool and confident in yourself. You’re one of those people that always gives great advice and everyone looks up to.”

“That’s really nice of you, Simon. I know this got kind of awkward with the whole ‘is this a date’ thing. But if you ever need a friend or someone to talk to for advice, someone who understands the gay thing, I’m always down for a chat.”

“Thanks, Carter, that’s really great of you.” Simon stood up from the table. He gave Carter a bro hug. “I’ll see you around.”

“If you ever need someone to give Martin a little hell you know how to find me.”

When Simon walked out of the café he felt much better than he had walking in.

* * *

Bram had called Garrett as soon as he left the play, asking if he could come over.

Garrett was sitting on the floor of his bedroom with Bram lying down next to him.

“I think I really messed up,” Bram moaned.

“It’s not your fault Spier is being a jerk.”

“You know that Simon isn’t really a jerk.”

“Yeah, I don’t think he could be a jerk if he tried,” Garrett mused.

“He isn’t in the wrong at all. It’s not like him and Blue are dating. He has every right to go out with other guys.” Bram covered his face with his hands. “If only I was ready to come out. Then this wouldn’t even be an issue.”

Garrett gently nudged Bram’s ribs with his toe. “Don’t blame yourself, Bram. If you aren’t ready then you can’t, you shouldn’t, force yourself to be. Don’t do something you aren’t comfortable with. Do we even know that this is really a date?”

“Well,” Bram sighed, “no.”

Garrett sat up straighter, “see! This could be nothing. Maybe they are just friends.”

“It was Carter Addison, Martin’s older brother. He’s the one who helped Simon when Martin was blackmailing him.”

“Wait, what?” Garrett looked like his eyes might pop out of his head.

Bram raised an eyebrow at him, “you haven’t heard the story?” Bram explained the blackmailing debacle to Garrett.

“I never liked that Martin kid,” Garrett muttered under his breath.

“That’s not the point,” Bram said, “the point is, Carter Addison is a known gay.” Bram rolled onto his stomach and shoved his face into a pillow.

Garrett tapped his fingertips on his knees. “Could you just ask him about it?”

“Who? Simon?”

“No, Barack Obama,” Garrett rolled his eyes. “Yes, Simon, you dummy. Not as Blue though, as Bram. It really wouldn’t be that suspicious. You saw them together so it would just seem like you’re making friendly conversation.”

Bram chewed the inside of his cheek. “I don’t know.”

“Okay. Just think about it. But if you want my opinion, from what you’ve told me about these emails between Jacques and Blue, I don’t think you have anything to worry about. It seems to me like he’s in just as deep as you are.”

Bram’s mouth twitched into a smile. “Thanks, man. I should go.” Bram stood up from the floor.

Garrett walked with him to the front door. “I’ll see you Monday,” Garrett called while Bram unlocked his car doors, “drive safe!”

Bram waved to his friend and got into the car. He barely remembered driving the familiar route because he was so deep in thought. Just as Bram pulled into his own driveway, he heard his phone buzz. Bram checked the screen and saw an envelope notification.

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: January 24 th, 10:31pm**

**SUBJECT: Truth Time**

Blue,

I need to be completely honest with you. There’s something I need to get off my chest but I don’t want you to freak out or be mad or anything like that. Please.

Last night, this guy I know asked me to get coffee with him. I said yes but I didn’t realize that he was asking me on a date. So tonight I went out with him and we got coffee and I was freaking out. I just came right out and asked him if it was a date. He said it could be if that’s what I wanted. I told him the honest-to-God truth. I didn’t want it to be a date. All I could think about was you. All I could think about was how if I was to go on a real date with someone I wouldn’t want that person to be anyone expect you. I wouldn’t have even gone with him if I had any idea that it was a date.

I know we aren’t boyfriends. I know there isn’t anything official between us. But, Blue, what we have feels so real to me. You are so special to me and I realized that I will wait as long as it takes until I can see you in person someday and kiss you right then and there.

-Love, Jacques

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: January 24 th, 10:37pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Truth Time**

Jacques,

Listen to me. I am not mad. The idea of you going out with another guy does make me feel slightly nauseated but I understand. I understand that you didn’t know the other guy’s intentions. It makes me a little upset that this guy got to be the first man to ask you out. I wanted to be that guy.

However, I will admit that I am grateful you went out with this guy if it made you realize how you feel about me. I don’t think I’ll stop smiling anytime soon at the idea that you want to date me.

Jacques, what we have feels real to me too. You are one of the most important people in my life and I haven’t even met you yet. Right now, I am granting you explicit permission to grab me and kiss me as hard as you possibly can on the day we meet.

-Love, Blue

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: January 24 th, 10:39pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Truth Time**

Blue,

I sincerely look forward to doing just that.

-Love, Jacques

 

As Bram walked up his driveway towards the house, he thought his face might split in two from smiling so wide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this chapter was a little more personal for me. For Carter's description of his college experience I pretty much just used my own experiences. Freshman year of college was one of the hardest years of my life but I can also look back now and see a lot of good has come from it. I'm totally not trying to scare anyone who isn't in college yet because everyone has a different experience but that was my experience. Thanks for reading!


	15. Quinze

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Bram (+gang) enjoy the winter carnival.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to post this tomorrow BUT I'm impatient and I like this chapter. Enjoy this absolute fluff.

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: January 30 th, 6:21pm**

**SUBJECT: Bundle up, Buttercup**

Blue,

First of all, I’m not sure if you’ve been outside recently to notice, but it’s cold as balls. My body is not prepared for this kind of weather, especially seeing as I will be outside all evening. Cold + dark + me is not a good combination.

Secondly, are you going to the winter carnival tonight? That’s where I’ll be all evening. I’m most looking forward to eating a shit ton of popcorn and cotton candy. I also love any opportunity to ride a Ferris wheel. For some reason it isn’t something that occurs in my daily life.

-Love, Jacques

 

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: January 30 th, 6:29pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Bundle up, Buttercup**

Jacques,

Firstly, yes I have been outside recently. It’s chilly but I don’t mind the cold. I’d choose this weather over 90 degrees and humid any day of the year. Plus, this is good weather for cuddling.

Second, I will be there this evening. This will be my first time going so I’m not sure what to expect. I understand the cotton candy thing, but I would like to ask: you know that popcorn isn’t a food exclusive to carnivals, yes? I’m just wondering.

It’s very weird that Ferris wheels don’t just pop up in your life on a regular basis. I hope you are able to take full advantage of tonight’s opportunity.

-Love, Blue

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: January 30 th, 6:43pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Bundle up, Buttercup**

Blue,

Thank you for reminding me that this is the ideal cuddling weather. You’ve convinced me it’s the ideal climate.

It’s very obvious that you’ve never had the popcorn at the winter carnival. If you had, you would know that somehow it’s twice as good as any other popcorn in existence. Trust me.

-Love, Jacques

* * *

The Saturday evening of the winter carnival Simon, invited his friends over to his house. Leah came over early to hang out with Simon.

She rushed into the house without knocking. “It’s ridiculously cold out,” Leah pulled the hat off her head and rubbed her hands together.

Simon led her to the kitchen where he has a mug of hot chocolate waiting for her. Simon handed Leah the steaming mug.

“God, I love you.” Leah dipped her finger into the melting whipped cream and took a careful sip of her drink.

Nora was gone for the evening, spending time with her friends before the carnival, which meant Simon had to settle for frozen pizzas for dinner. Simon grabbed two pizza boxes from the freezer.

”Four cheese or supreme?” Simon held up the boxes in front of Leah’s face.

Leah pointed to the first box. Simon ripped the cardboard open and tore the plastic covering off the pizza. He slid the pizza into the oven and shoved the pizza box into the recycling bin.

Before the second pizza was done baking, Simon heard the sound of the front door opening again. He heard Nick and Abby call their greetings through the house.

Nick and Abby appeared in the kitchen holding hands. They stared at Leah and Simon sheepishly. Leah and Simon stared back in surprise.

Leah was the first to speak. “You owe me five bucks, Si.”

“You couldn’t have waited until after Valentine’s day to get together?” Simon laughed and pulled his wallet from his pocket.

“Sorry, man,” Nick shifted to wrap his arms around Abby from behind, “I didn’t want to wait any longer.” He pressed a kiss to Abby’s cheek.

Abby smiled sweetly.

Leah pinched her face together and fake gagged.

“Whatever, Leah,” Nick laughed at her.

Leah rolled her eyes. “I’m kidding, guys. I’m happy for you.”

Nick opened Simon’s laptop so he could so them all some funny video on YouTube.

The four friends stood around the small screen laughing at the puppies in the video when the timer on the oven began to beep at them. Simon took the supreme pizza from the oven and sliced along with the cheese one. Simon carried plates of sliced pizza to the table and sat down.

They sat and chewed on their pizza in silence, except for when Nick burned his tongue on hot cheese and the other three laughed at him.

Nick took a drink of his soda. “Simon,” he started.

“Yeah?”

“Do you think Blue will be there tonight?”

Simon chewed his lip. Abby and Leah turned to gaze intently at Simon.

“Probably,” Simon shrugged, “he’s probably a lot of the places I go, I just don’t know it.”

Leah leaned forward, “do you think he knows who you are, Si?”

“I don’t know.”

“He could have figured it out after you posted on Creek Secrets,” Abby offered.

Simon nodded.

“If he did figure out who you are,” Leah patted Simon’s shoulder, “he hasn’t stopped talking to you. That means he doesn’t find you totally revolting.”

“Wow,” Simon laughed, “thanks for the confidence boost.”

They all chewed on the last slices of pizza.

“You should wear eyeliner again,” Abby’s eyes lit up.

Simon narrowed his eyes at his friend, “wearing it for the play is one thing. Wearing it to go out is a different story. Plus, I don’t even have any.”

“I’m pretty sure I have some in my purse,” Abby gestured behind her.

Simon shook his head and took another bite.

“C’mon, Si, it makes your eyes look so good,” Abby begged.

“Yeah you do look hot with it on,” Nick said casually.

Three pairs of eyes turned on Nick.

“What? It’s true. I’m not a liar.”

Simon tossed his napkin at Nick and laughed. “Thanks, but I’m going to pass. Blue will just have to survive without seeing me with eyeliner.” Simon stood up and grabbed the empty plates. He carried them to the dishwasher and placed them inside.

Nick, Abby, and Leah gathered in the entryway, waiting for Simon. He pulled his leather bomber jacket off a hanger in the front closet and pulled it on. Simon picked up his keys from the table near the front door and locked the front door behind him.

Nick and Abby slid into the backseat together, sitting close with Nick’s arm around Abby’s waist. Simon eyed them in the rear view mirror and smiled. _They seem really happy._ Simon ignored the jealousy trying to creep into his thoughts.

In the passenger seat, Leah took control of the music. Plugging the auxiliary cord into her phone and picking a song.

The song began pumping through the speakers. Leah drummed along to the beat on her legs. Nick started playing air guitar while Abby bobbed her head and sang along. Simon cranked up the volume and belted out the lyrics with his friends.

_“I'm just the same as I was. Now don't you understand? I'm never changing who I am.”_

 

In the parking lot, Simon parked the car. He and his friends walked in the direction of the ticket booth. They paid for their tickets and entered the park. The carnival was filled with blinking lights, loud noises, and the smell of deep fried food.

“What do we want to do first?” Abby was standing with her arms wrapped around Nick.

“Tilt-a-whirl?” Simon suggested.

The others agreed and they made their way towards the ride.

“Hey, there’s Garrett and Bram,” Nick raised and arm to wave at them.

Simon turned around to see them walking towards their group.

“Hey, guys,” Garrett greeted them.

Bram had his hands in his pockets. He nodded at all of them but he smiled when he made eye contact with Simon.

“We’re going to the tilt-a-whirl. Do you want to join us?” Leah offered.

“This is Bram’s first time,” Garrett threw an arm around his friend, “so we’re going to walk around a little more but we will definitely catch up with you later.” Garrett looked at Simon when he said this.

Simon, Leah, Abby, and Nick said their goodbyes and resumed their walk across the park. They found the tilt-a-whirl relatively busy so they stood in the line, waiting for their turn. After riding twice, the group made their way back to the center of the carnival where Garrett met up with them again.

“Garrett, we are going to ride the Ferris wheel. Want to come with?” Abby asked.

Garrett agreed.

“Where’s Bram? If he comes we will have an even number,” Nick pointed out.

“Uhh, I think he’s just using the bathroom. I’ll text him,” Garrett said.

 

_(8:02pm) Garrett: Get your ass to the Ferris wheel ASAP._

_(8:04pm) Bram: I’m coming._

After seeing Simon, Bram had decided he needed some air, even though he was already outside as Garrett had pointed out. Bram wandered to the edge of the carnival behind some of the food stalls where no one would bother him. He tried sitting down but felt too anxious so he paced instead.

 _It’s fine._ He told himself. Bram tried to tell himself that seeing Simon was no big deal, except that he was probably in love with Simon and Simon had no idea that Bram was Blue and every time Bram looked at Simon he felt the guilt eat him up a little bit more. _It’s fine._

Bram stalked off towards the Ferris wheel after reading Garrett’s text. He didn’t even like Ferris wheels. The height freaked him out. And how much support was really keeping the giant circle from rolling off into the distance and crushing all the passengers inside?

Bram arrived at the Ferris wheel to see his five friends standing in line. They all frantically waved at him.

“C’mon!” Garrett yelled over the noise of the machinery and the crowds.

Bram swallowed hard and hopped onto the platform.

Nick and Abby handed their tickets to the operator and settled into the first car.

The wheel rotated slightly. Garrett rushed forward. He gave the operator his tickets and turned around. “Leah?” He said it like a question, nodding his head towards the empty seats. She passed her tickets to the man and joined Garrett.

While Simon was digging through his pockets, searching for tickets, Garrett threw a wink and a smirk in Bram’s direction.

“I guess that leaves us,” Simon stepped forward.

Bram sat down next to Simon and wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans. The steel bars enclosed the boys into the car.

“Simon,” Leah shouted from above, “we forgot to bring popcorn to throw at people’s head from the top of the wheel like we did last year.”

“Dude, that’s awesome,” Garrett high-fived Leah.

Simon chuckled at the memory.

“Did you really do that?” Bram was smiling his warm smile at Simon.

“It was hilarious,” Simon nodded, “people were so confused.”

Bram laughed.

The Ferris wheel lurched into motion. Bram flinched.

“Hey,” Simon said gently, “are you okay?”

“Fine,” Bram said tersely. He looked and saw Simon had narrowed his eyes. “I don’t really like heights, or spinning, or being on giant moving wheels.” Bram added.

Simon nodded. “Did you hear about what Jack Connett did at lunch on Friday?” He asked trying to distract Bram.

“No. What?”

“You know how they had the panini press in the cafeteria at the beginning of the year? Well they got rid of it because it would always start smoking. So yesterday Jack brought his own panini maker to lunch and started charging kids three dollars to grill their sandwiches,” Simon explained.

Bram laughed softly.

Simon continued, “none of the teachers really noticed until his panini maker started smoking because some of the cheese caught on fire.”

“That’s why the fire alarms went off yesterday during lunch?” Bram looked incredulous. “I had to eat cold French fries because of that kid.”

Simon chuckled to himself, “you and your French fries.”

“Maybe I wouldn’t have such an addiction if you stopped buying extras every day. You’re an enabler.”

“Fine, Bram, I wasn’t going to say anything but we’re having an intervention for you at lunch on Monday. We’re really worried about you.” The sarcastic intensity of Simon’s eyes matched that of his voice.

Bram hadn’t noticed that the Ferris wheel had circled around a few times and people were beginning to get off. The ride paused just as Simon and Bram’s car reached the peak.

Bram gripped the cold metal bar in front of him. His fingers began to blanch from squeezing so tightly.

Simon reached over and slid his hand over Bram’s without thinking. His hand stayed for a moment before Simon realized what he was doing. Simon whipped his hand away as if Bram’s skin had burned him.

“I’m sorry,” Simon’s eyes were wide, “Sometimes I do things like that without thinking. My family is very touchy and I’m used to Leah or-” Simon trailed off. “I’m sorry. That was weird.”

Bram blinked at Simon. “No, it wasn’t,” Bram smiled softly, “it helped, actually.”

“Oh.” Simon couldn’t think of any other words. Simon slowly stretched his hand out again and laid it on Bram’s soft skin.

Bram adjusted his wrist and angled his hand so he could give Simon’s hand a squeeze. Bram turned his face to Simon and held eye contact. He exhaled. “Thanks,” Bram whispered.

Simon answered with another gentle squeeze of their hands. Their hands stayed connected until their car reached the platform.

The ride operator lifted the metal bars for Simon and Bram to climb off. The two boys turned around saw their friends still on the Ferris wheel.

“Why did you get off?” Nick shouted down at them.

“You didn’t want to go again?” Leah asked.

Simon caught a glimpse of Bram shoving his hands into his pockets and blushing.

“Umm I wasn’t feeling it. I want to go get some popcorn,” Simon lied.

His friends seemed to buy his excuse because they waved and promised to catch up with Bram and Simon later.

As the Ferris wheel rolled upwards, Abby and Nick resumed their previous position of being attached to each other by their mouths.

“Is that new?” Bram pointed towards their occupied friends.

Simon shrugged, “They just officially told Leah and I today. It’s been a long time coming though.”

Simon led Bram off the Ferris wheel platform.

“Thank you, Simon.”

“For what?”

The only answer Bram gave was a sweet smile.

“Don’t mention it. What do you want to do?” Simon glanced around the park.

Bram looked around too. “I don’t know. Isn’t there a concert around here somewhere?”

Simon and Bram walked the park until they found a small stage surround by a crowd. The band was a local group playing covers of pop hits.

Simon followed Bram as he shouldered through the crowd to find them a better vantage point for watching the show. They stood in the crowd and listened for a while. The band was decent, but both Simon and Bram felt unfocused. Both boys were hyper aware of their close proximity to each other.

Out of the corner of his eye, Simon saw Bram’s mouth moving.

“What?” Simon leaned his ear towards Bram.

Bram moved in even closer. Simon could almost feel Bram’s lips brushing against his skin. “Do you want to go do something else?”

Simon prayed to God that Bram didn’t notice him shivering.

The boys decided to walk down the row of booths housing the various games. Most of the games were a rip-off, but Simon still enjoyed playing them.

Bram pointed to a booth where players were throwing balls at targets to win a prize. He walked up to the counter and slid over a couple of tickets.

Simon followed him. “Are you going to try-out for the baseball team, too?” Simon handed his tickets to the worker.

Bram aimed and threw the ball. “I played centerfielder at my old school.” The ball grazed the corner of the largest of three targets.

Simon stepped up beside Bram.

Bram picked up the second ball and connected it with the large target. His third try hit the large target again.

Simon picked up a ball. He aimed. The ball flew and knocked into the smallest target.

Simon grinned and glanced at Bram whose eyes were wide. Simon shrugged. “I played pitcher on a club team up until freshman year.”

The man behind the counter handed Simon his prize: a small stuffed polar bear.

Simon and Bram walked away from the games towards the food carts. They bought a giant bucket of popcorn and went to sit at one of the picnic tables.

“This is the best popcorn in the world. You haven’t lived until you’ve eaten this popcorn.”

Bram smirked, “I’ve actually heard that.”

“So, what do you think I should name him?” Simon munched on his popcorn and pointed to the polar bear he had gently set on the table between him and Bram.

Bram narrowed his eyes in thought. “Neil Perry,” he finally decided.

Simon laughed, “what? What kind of name is that?”

“You’ll figure it out,” Bram grinned.

Simon didn’t have a retort so instead he picked up a piece of popcorn and tossed it at Bram’s face.

“Wow you’re wasting your precious popcorn. I’m surprised at you, Spier.” Another kernel bounced off Bram’s cheek, “now you’re just asking for it.” Bram grabbed a few pieces and quickly threw them in Simon’s direction.

Simon stood up and grabbed two handful of popcorn from the bucket before running away. Bram followed him, carrying the bucket and Neil Perry.

The two boys ran through the park laughing and throwing popcorn at each other until their hands were coated in butter and they were out of breath.

“Hold on, hold on. Truce,” Simon called, “my phone is ringing.” Simon pulled his phone from his pocket. “Hey Leah. Oh okay, sure.” Simon turned towards Bram, “Garrett gave everyone a ride home so I’ll just take you home if that’s cool?”

Bram agreed.

Simon hung up the phone and threw one last piece of popcorn at Bram.

Bram and Simon walked to the car, still trying to catch their breath. Simon turned the key in the ignition and cranked up the heat in the vehicle. The boys sat there for a moment, warming up.

“Can I put some music on?” Bram asked.

Simon handed him the cable. Bram scrolled through his phone before picking a song. The first few bars of Taylor Swift’s _All Too Well_ came pouring from the speakers.

Simon stared at Bram.

Bram shrugged, “it’s a masterpiece.”

Simon grinned widely at Bram. “I love this song. I think I’ve only ever told one other person,” Simon confessed.

Simon remembered the directions to Bram’s house from the first time he gave Bram a ride home from school. The whole house was dark when Simon pulled into the driveway.

“Thanks for the ride. And thanks for being cool about the Ferris wheel.”

“Seriously, don’t mention it,” Simon gave Bram a smile.

Bram watched Simon drive away, desperately wishing he could run after the car shouting “It’s me! I’m Blue!” He didn’t though. He stayed frozen in the driveway and realized he was still clutching Neil Perry, the polar bear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song they listened to in the car is "It's Time" by Imagine Dragons.
> 
> The panini story is based off of an actual event that happened in my high school.


	16. Seize

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluffy things happen and then some angsty things happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: homophobic language/slurs; bullying
> 
> This chapter feels a little OOC to me but I've given up trying to edit and I'm just giving it to you all instead.

Sunday morning when Bram woke up and rolled over, the first thing he saw was the stuffed polar bear sitting on his desk.

Bram smiled at the surprise he felt last night when Simon had expertly pitched the ball. Bram felt like he knew Simon, or Jacques, so well. Yet the boy was continually surprising him.

Bram tried, and failed, to wipe the smile off his face when reminiscing over Simon’s sweetness on the Ferris wheel and running after each other throwing kernels of popcorn at each other and the way Simon always held eye contact a little bit longer than was necessary.

Bram rolled back over and shoved his face into the pile of pillows on his bed. _Why can’t Simon just figure it out already?_ Bram huffed. _Why can’t you just tell him it’s you?_

Bram unplugged his phone from the charger and opened the camera app. He snapped a quick picture of the polar bear sitting on his desk and attached the image to a text message to Simon.

 

_(9:28am) Bram: I’ve accidentally kidnapped Neil Perry. Don’t worry, he is safe in my care. Should we arrange some sort of every other week custody arrangement?_

_(9:31am) Simon: Oh my god I’ve been worried sick. I almost called in a missing person report with the police. How dare you try to take my precious child from me!_

_(9:40am) Bram: My sincerest apologies. I didn’t intend to worry you. It truly was an accident._

_(9:41am) Simon: Sure. “Accident.”_

_(9:43am) Bram: I’ll bring him to school on Monday. He will be returned to you relatively unscathed. There might be just a touch of emotional trauma._

_(9:50am) Simon: What the hell are you going to do to him?_

_(9:54am) Bram: Nothing. However, I can firsthand attest to the emotional difficulties experienced as a child during the process of divorce and custody rulings._

_(9:59am) Simon: I didn’t know that. I’m sorry, Bram._

_(10:00am) Bram: It’s cool. I really was joking._

_(10:02am) Simon: I think we are both mature enough to acknowledge that we just want what is best for Neil Perry._

_(10:04am) Bram: Agreed._

_(10:07am) Simon: You can keep him. Don’t worry about bringing him to me. You’re the only one who understands why the heck his name is ‘Neil Perry’ anyways._

_(10:12am) Bram: Okay. Thanks._

_(10:15am) Simon: You owe me now._

_(10:19am) Bram: I’ll think of some way to make it up to you._

Bram got out of bed and pulled on some clean clothes. He snagged his car keys from his desk and ran down the stairs to tell his mom he needed to run to the grocery store.

* * *

Bram was late to lunch the following day. After class, he ran to his locker to get the grocery bag he had hidden there at the beginning of the school day.

Bram went through the lunch line, skipping the baskets of French fries like every other day. When he arrived at the lunch table, Bram dropped the plastic sack onto Simon’s tray. This won Bram a bright smile.

“What’s this?”

“Open it,” Bram said simply. He sank into the seat across from Simon.

Simon reached his hand into the bag and pulled out a package of Oreos.

Simon smiled but his forehead wrinkled in confusion.

“For Neil Perry.”

Simon rolled his eyes. “How did you know I liked Oreos?”

Leah piped up, “not everyone is as oblivious as you, Simon. You bring up new flavors of Oreos as a conversation topic at least once a week.”

Simon’s cheeks flushed.

Simon ripped into the package of sandwich cookies and passed it around the table. When the plastic package made its way back to Simon, he took a cookie and took a small bite, smiling at Bram while he chewed.

Bram thought his heart had maybe stopped while he watched Simon grinning at him. His admiration of Simon was interrupted when Garrett complained to the whole table.

“Some of us are trying to eat, Eisner.” Garrett said sarcastically, referring to Nick gazing lovingly at Abby.

Nick lifted his middle finger at Garrett without taking his eyes of Abby.

Bram didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary at lunch that day until he snuck his hand across the table to snatch some of Simon’s fries. Instead of Simon’s usual chuckle and passing of the extra fries, Bram’s hand was met with swift smack.

“Hey!” Bram’s hand retreated.

“I didn’t get you fries today. I told you we were having an intervention.”

Bram’s jaw fell open.

“We’re having an intervention?” Leah leaned into the conversation.

“Who’s the intervention for?” Nick ripped his gaze away from Abby.

“Bram.” Simon nodded his head towards the boy.

“Because of his French fry addiction?” Abby asked.

Bram looked at his friends in awe, “are you kidding me?”

Simon looked at Bram with an “I told you so” look on his face.

Garrett slapped Bram’s shoulder, “we’re all worried about you. It’s starting to affect you at basketball practice.”

Bram shrugged out of Garrett’s touch, “shut up, man.”

“We just want what’s best for you,” Garrett added, “especially Simon.” A smug grin spread across Garrett’s face.

Bram shook his head at Garrett. Fortunately for him, the bell rang and everyone gathered their things for class.

* * *

Bram had a free period lunch so while his friends rushed off to class, he meandered to the library to study for an upcoming biology test.

He was almost there when two of the boys on the basketball team stopped him.

“Hey, Greenfeld.” They stood in front of Bram with their arms crossed and their chests puffed out. Neither boy was much taller than Bram but he could tell they were trying to be intimidating.

“Hey Aaron, Spencer.” he nodded, hoping they would just drop whatever they were approaching Bram about.

“So, we saw you at the carnival on Saturday,” Aaron narrowed his eyes.

Bram didn’t speak.

“We saw you hanging out with queer Spier,” Spencer added.

Bram felt his blood begin to boil. He clenched his fists around the straps of his backpack.

Aaron took a step closer to Bram. “Do you have to say ‘no homo’ after everything you do around that twink so he doesn’t get the wrong idea? Or do you like it in the ass too?”

Bram felt the world stop spinning. His ears muffled and his throat tightened. He didn’t know if he wanted to scream at the guy or punch him or just walk away. Bram thought he might do all three.

“Get to class, boys!” A teacher called at them, snapping Bram from his thoughts.

Aaron and Spencer snickered.

“All I’m saying is,” Aaron added, “be careful hanging around fags or you might turn into one.”

_TOO LATE._ Yelled Bram’s thoughts.

Suddenly the boys were gone and Bram was alone in the hallway. He rushed into the library and found the quietest corner before anyone else could try to talk to him. Bram settled himself in the overstuffed lounge chair. He threw his bag onto the ground and shoved his face into his hands. Bram rolled his shoulders, trying to release some of the newfound tension.

Bram decided he couldn’t be still. He left his things and got up to pace the shelf-lined aisles. He wasn’t seeing covers, titles, or authors as he moved around the library. His thoughts we’re solely on Simon.

_Is this what Simon has had to deal with since he came out? He would have mentioned it, right? Nick would know and Nick would tell me. We wouldn’t just let them get away with it._ Part of Bram wondered if Simon would purposefully hide something like this from Nick so that he didn’t have more attention brought to him.

Then Bram’s own mind turned on him. _Simon is the only kid in school who has to deal with this. Because you’re too much of a coward to admit that you’re gay, Simon gets the brunt of all the assholes._ Even if Bram’s coming out didn’t deter bullies, at least Simon wouldn’t have to deal with them alone.

Bram returned to his lounge chair and pulled his biology textbook and notebook from his bag. He opened the pages and attempted to study the process of DNA replication. Bram didn’t think he had ever cared any less about mRNA.

Bram slammed the textbook shut. It was useless. Instead, Bram pulled out his phone, walked to the back of the library by the big windows where he secretly knew there was a tiny area of cell reception.

 

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: February 4 th, 1:01pm**

**SUBJECT: What do you think it’s like?**

Jacques,

What do you think it’s like to be out at Creekwood? We are unfortunately situated in conservative Georgia but that doesn’t mean that there’s a lot of homophobia at Creekwood, right?

I know I hear jokes and comments sometimes but usually, I don’t let that get under my skin. I wonder how many of those people that make the jokes would outright bully someone who was openly gay.

I’m just musing over here.

-Love, Blue

 

Bram stuck his phone back in his pocket because he knew he wouldn’t get a response until sometime after school.

Bram only had 15 more minutes of his free period before going to English, which he shared with Simon. He went back to his chair and attempted to study for the remaining time. Bram still felt angry and his muscles still felt tense. He barely read three sentences of his notes before the bell rang.

In Mr. Wise’s classroom, Bram slid into his desk. When Simon arrived, he walked past Bram and said hello.

Simon noticed the hardened expression of Bram’s face and raised an eyebrow at him, which Bram ignored.

“Okay, class, take your seats.” Mr. Wise said from his desk.

He stood up and grabbed a stack of papers. He started passing the papers out to the students.

“We are starting a new project today. This is a project that will last until the end of the school year,” all the student groaned, “but because this is such a large project, it will replace the comprehensive essay exam I was originally going to give you. The papers I am handing out explain the project including required portions of the assignment and a grading rubric.”

Simon kept trying to get Bram to look back at him while Mr. Wise was talking. His attempt at telepathy was unsuccessful.

“This purpose of this project is to take a classic novel, of your own choosing, and reimagine it. You should try to keep the themes, messages, and general plotlines the same. However, you can reimagine the novel in any way you want. You can change the setting, time period, or the world in which the story takes place. You can also change the type of media used to convey the story. For example, if you would like to reimagine your novel as a movie or a play you may do that, or you may keep the story as written word.”

The student looked at their papers, trying to understand what was being asked of them.

“This will be a partner project,” Mr. Wise added, earning more groans from the class, “but because I don’t want to have to deal with all of you complaining about your incompetent and lazy partners every day for the next three and a half months, I am allowing you to choose your partners.”

This made the student cheer and one student started clapping.

“Get into pairs and decide which novel you want to use for your project. I have to approve the novel you choose and I am not allowing repeats.” Mr. Wise sat back down at his desk to allow his students time to work.

Bram only knew one person in the class. He twisted around in his desk to find Simon already smiling at him. Simon waved his hand, gesturing for Bram to come back to his desk. Bram grabbed his notebook and went to sit by Simon.

“Okay,” Bram sat down, “what do we want to do?”

“First thing,” Simon said, “what’s up?”

Bram shook his head like he didn’t know what Simon was talking about.

“Oh god,” Simon’s eyes went wide, “you aren’t really mad about the fry thing, are you? It was just a joke and-”

“No, Simon,” Bram interjected, “seriously I’m not mad.”

“Then what’s wrong?”

Bram sucked in a breath. “Have you had anyone mess with you since you came out?”

Simon shook his head. “Not really. I hear jokes but they aren’t really about me or directed at me.”

“Would you tell Nick, or me, if someone did do something?”

Simon bit the inside of his cheek.

“Simon.” Bram scolded.

Simon blinked and looked at Bram.

“You aren’t alone. We have your back.”

Simon smiled softly. “Okay.”

Bram returned the smile. “Good. Now what the hell are we going to do for this project?”


	17. Dix-Sept

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A selection of emails between Blue and Jacques

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: February 6 th, 9:13pm**

**SUBJECT: Scarred for Life**

Blue,

I deeply regret sharing this news with you. The Jacques that you once knew is no longer. He was a kind soul but the scarring upon his eyes, brain, and entire being was more than he could handle. I offer you my deepest condolences.

Let me set the scene for you: my family and I have just enjoyed a lovely meal of homemade margherita pizza courtesy of my younger sister. Because neither me or my sister made plans with our friends this fine evening, the family elected to enjoy a nice family night in and watch a movie. We gathered in the living room, each with a plate of warm Georgia peach pie topped with honey vanilla ice cream (again, courtesy of the sis). The members of my family settled in front of the television when my mother entered the room, bubbling with an idea of which movie we should watch.

Her reasoning was noble. She wanted to watch said movie because it is important to support media that explores the complex nature of sexuality and sexual identities (this is one of my mom’s ways of supporting me, I suppose). My father agreed, as did my sister. I was slightly more apprehensive and rightly so. The previously mentioned maternal figure named the film: _Carol._

Now Blue, I am unaware of your level of familiarity with this film. It is quite emotionally stirring and thought provoking. That being said, it is hardly appropriate to watch this film with both parents and a younger sibling in the same room. I had to endure not one but two somewhat graphic scenes depicting sexual intercourse in addition to a variety of other sexual tension charged scenes. During such scenes, my mother found it appropriate to discuss the love between the two characters, the difficult nature of navigating sexual orientation during the time period, and the perceived pleasure being experienced by the characters on screen at any given time.

This is all to say that I, Jacques, have been deeply, irrevocably, and permanently scarred by the experience. My mind, my heart, the very core of my soul have been affected and I fear I will never return to my previous blissful state of naivety. Please, remember the man I once was.

With all my love,

-Jacques.

 

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: February 6 th, 10:46pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Scarred for Life**

Jacques,

I would first like to pass along my condolences to your heart, mind, and soul. I have known a deep appreciation for all three and I am quite sorry to hear of the damage inflicted upon them.

Since the Jacques we once knew was pronounced dead just a short while ago, I would like to offer my services as the eulogizer. The following is a small example of my work.

Jacques was a man of kindness, love, humor, and unwavering loyalty. He always encouraged and supported those around him. Jacques loved, and was loved, deeply by many people including his parents, his sister, and the inventor of Oreos. While I never had the immense pleasure of meeting him in person, Jacques knew me better than anyone. Perhaps he knew me better than I know myself. For that, I am grateful. Because of this deep loss, my heart is terribly broken. I love Jacques, and I know in my heart that no one will ever make me feel quite like he made me feel.

On a lighter note, I would like to regale a traumatizing story of my own. Not to diminish your terrible experience but to empathize with you so that you know you are not alone. The experience in question occurred two evenings ago. My father messaged me earlier in the day, requesting to conduct a video call with me that evening. I agreed. That evening, I sat alone at my desk, expecting to see my father’s face looking back at me. To my surprise, what appeared was not only my father’s face but also the face of my pregnant stepmother. My negative reaction was not to the presence of my stepmother, no. The conversation began per usual. I answered questions regarding school and my extracurricular activities. However, my fatal mistake occurred when I asked my stepmother about Little Fetus growing inside her womb. This is where our story takes a turn for the worse. My question was answered with tales of birthing classes, bodily functions during pregnancy, and worst of all – an extremely descriptive explanation of the labor process. While I commend women for their dedication to reproduction (the entirety of the human race depends on this), I found myself extremely grateful that I, Blue, am a male.

I think in that moment I would have given anything to be watching a film instead, especially if I could have been watching a film with you.

-Love, Blue

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118gmail.com**

**DATE: February 7 th, 9:02am**

**SUBJECT: Re: Scarred for Life**

Blue,

I am sorry for the tragedy that you also had to endure. I am glad we have each other for support and strength during this difficult time in our lives.

I would also like to thank you for the kind eulogy you provided. My heart was touched by your meaningful words. I would like to concur with your statement and say that no one else has made me feel the same way you do, Blue. No matter the direction our lives take, no matter our involvement in each other’s lives, whether we are close together or far away you will always have a place in my heart. You will always be special to me. You are my proverbial “first love” and I will always remember you.

Because you said your preferred activity is to watch a film with me (I would also enjoy that, by the way), I am including my carefully curated list of five best movies of all time.

5 Best Films of All Time According to Jacques (in no particular order)

  1. _A Knight’s Tale_ starring Heath Ledger: While the subject matter of the film may seem to lend itself better to drama or action, this movie is delightfully lighthearted. It’s the story of a young peasant who takes on the persona of a nobleman in order to take control of his own fate. Highlights include intentional historical anachronisms, a horse in a cathedral, and a badass lady blacksmith.
  2. _Charade_ starring Audrey Hepburn and Cary Grant: Most people associate Audrey Hepburn with her more well-known films such as Breakfast at Tiffany’s or Roman Holiday. However, one would be making a large mistake if they discounted the wonder that is Despite the film’s age and lack of modern special effect techniques, a good bit of thrill and excitement can be found in this film. Audrey Hepburn plays a woman whose husband has just been murdered and she found out a shocking secret. She is now trying to protect herself and find answers. This film has a classic “cat-and-mouse” premise with multiple twists and turns that will leave you questioning just who can be trusted.
  3. _Hot Rod_ starring Andy Samberg: Andy Samberg, SNL alumni and current star of comedy series _Brooklyn Nine-Nine,_ will not fail to bring you humor and joy while watching this film. Samberg stars as Rod, self-proclaimed stuntman, is planning to attempt the biggest stunt of his life as a way to raise money for his stepfathers operation. This film is extremely quotable, chock full of recognizable celebrities, and always funny.
  4. _The Breakfast Club_ starring Judd Nelson, Molly Ringwald, and more: If you haven’t seen this film then there your life has been extremely deprived up until now. While there are some questionable and problematic moments, the film overall continues to hit home for many teenagers. It touches on self-identity, self-acceptance, and the idea that we aren’t all so different after all. It’s these timeless themes that continue to keep this movie relevant and relatable to many high schoolers 30 after its release.
  5. _Brooklyn_ starring Saoirse Ronan: The newest film on this list, just released in 2015, has quickly become a beloved classic in my mind. Elements of independence, adventure, history, drama, and romance create a beautiful masterpiece. The film begins with Eilis, a young Irish girl, immigrating to America on her own. She builds a new life for herself, including finding love. She must return to Ireland, however, upon the news of her sister’s death. She is torn between her old life with her family and friends, and her new life full of wonder and meaning and love in Brooklyn, New York. Emory Cohen’s performance as Tony rounds out this film and helps to develop a love story that is sweet enough to make you smile, without being saccharine. This film will make you feel joy, and wonder, and hope and make you want to move to Brooklyn in the 1950s.



I will be deeply disappointed if you haven’t seen these films, but also delighted that I may have the honor of introducing you to them.

-Love, Jacques

 

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: February 7 th, 11:53am**

**SUBJECT: Re: Scarred for Life**

Jacques,

I am extremely impressed with the depth and wisdom in which you have reviewed each of those movies for me. From your list, I’ve only seen _The Breakfast Club,_ but I will add the other four to my watch list. However, I promise that I won’t watch any of them until I can watch them with you.

I don’t have a list of my top favorite film accompanied by insightful reasons for loving them. I will share with you my top favorite movie of all time: _Dead Poet’s Society._ It stars Robin Williams in one of his less comedic roles. His character is everything you could wish for in a teacher and everything you could hope to be as an adult. Essentially, it’s an English-lovers porn.

I would like to request that upon the day you introduce me to your favorite movies (whether we are watching just one, or all four in a row) that there be a plethora of snacks at the ready (preferably peanut butter cups. I’ll also allow Oreos) but only one blanket that we are forced to share and under which we can sit quite close to each other.

Let me know if you have any other thoughts regarding this future movie date.

-Love, Blue

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: February 7 th, 3:21pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Scarred for Life**

Blue,

If I had to pick a personal description for the word “perfection” it would be lounging on a couch, snuggled under a blanket and cuddled up to you for hours. And hours. And hours.

Now that I responded to that very sweet things….How is it that you’ve only seen one of the movies on my list? Oh Blue, you are missing out so much. How have you even survived life up until this moment in time? You are so fortunate that you met me, Blue. I will admit that I’ve never seen _Dead Poet’s Society._ I’m adding it to my list as we speak.

Speaking of cuddling and dates…do you have any plans for Valentine’s day?

-Love, Jacques

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: February 7 th, 3:31pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Scarred for Life**

I wasn’t asking about your Valentine’s day plans because I’m asking you out!!! I mean I would like to but I know you aren’t ready so I’m just asking if you have any plans at all for the day in general.

 

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: February 7 th, 5:01pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Scarred for Life**

Jacques,

Thank you for respecting that I’m not ready. That being said, if I was ready then I wouldn’t want to have plans with anyone but you.

As for my actual plans, I plan on buying flowers for my mom. Also, it’s our tradition for me to cook dinner for her (please ask your sister if she has any ideas since I’m blanking on ideas this year). I also make her a chocolate cake that we don’t slice but instead we use forks to take bites directly from the cake. We’ve done that almost every year since my parent’s got divorced.

What are your big plans?

-Love, Blue

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: February 8 th, 7:16am**

**SUBJECT: Re: Scarred for Life**

Blue,

Hold up.

You can cook?!? How have you never mentioned that before? Blue, I think maybe you’re too good to be true.

I almost thought that I might have to be jealous that you had plans but then I read that you are hanging with your mom so I don’t have to be jealous. Maybe I’m a little jealous. Is that weird?

I love that you spend the day with your mom. That is very sweet that you do something special for her.

I asked my sister and she wouldn’t give me any suggestions until she has more information. Does your mom have any food allergies? What types of food does your mom normally like? Are there any foods your mom doesn’t like? She means well.

My parents always go to dinner at some swanky place in Atlanta so my big plans involve staying home with my sister. She will probably make something delicious and we will watch trashy teen movies and binge on Oreos.

I’m kind of predictable, aren’t I?

-Love, Jacques

 

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: February 8 th, 12:13pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Scarred for Life**

Jacques,

Yes, I can cook. I’m not anywhere near the level of your sister but I don’t mind cooking. When I was younger my mom taught me how to cook so that I don’t live off macaroni and cheese alone when I go to college. She also told me that it would impress girls. So obviously that isn’t necessary but I’m glad it impresses you too.

My mom does not have any food allergies. She really likes seafood and Italian food. She doesn’t eat that much red meat and she hates olives.

You really don’t have to be jealous. But I know what you mean. Who knows, maybe next year we will be spending the day together.

Watching teen movies and binging on Oreos sounds like your ideal day. I’ll admit I occasionally enjoy a trashy teen movie as well. Sometimes I just want to watch a movie that is easy and doesn’t make me think.

Lastly, I don’t think you are predictable, Jacques, I think you are dependable and I find that to be a very appealing quality.

-Love, Blue

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: February 8 th, 4:02pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Scarred for Life**

Blue,

I’m very impressed. Tell your mom that even though you are gay the whole cooking thing being impressive is still relevant.

Can I pencil you into my calendar for Valentine’s day next year? Is that jumping the gun?

Little sis suggested lemon butter tilapia with oven roasted balsamic broccolini and garlic risotto. I’ll attach the recipes.

Thank you for finding my “dependability” attractive rather than telling me I’m a bore. Even though I am sometimes a bore.

Little sis has decided on Sunday we will begin with watching _Easy A,_ followed by _The Amazing Spider-Man_ (she denies it, but my sister definitely has a thing for Andrew Garfield), and ending with _The Fault in Our Stars_ because doesn’t everyone want to spend their Valentine’s day bawling their eyes out?

-Love, Jacques

[3 Attachments: Lemon Butter Pan-Fried Tilapia.docx; Balsamic Broccolini.docx; Creamy Garlic Basil Risotto.docx]

 

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: February 8 th, 7:31pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Scarred for Life**

Jacques,

I will let her know. She will be thrilled.

My mom will also love those recipes and I think I have the abilities to not ruin them. Tell Little Sis thanks from me.

The movie lineup sounds great. It’s the perfect mix of humor, action, and heart-wrenching romantic drama.

Please, pencil me into your calendar for next year. I’m going to promise you right now that we will be together February 14th, 2017, assuming you’re still interested.

-Love, Blue

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: February 8 th, 10:20pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Scarred for Life**

Blue,

I’ll still be interested.

-Love, Jacques

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a lot more fun with this email chapter than the last one. Thanks all who encouraged me to try this again.


	18. Dix-Huit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon has an encounter. Bram comes to the rescue.
> 
> TW: homophobic language/slurs; violence

Friday afternoon, Simon sat with his legs draped over the side of a chair in his biology classroom. The students had taken a quiz at the beginning of class and since it was the end of the week, Mr. Hoover had shown mercy to them and allowed free time for the rest of the period.

Abby sat next to him, scrawling a list of snacks for Simon to get from the grocery store for their sleepover that evening. Simon and Leah had an annual tradition of hanging out the weekend of Valentine’s day since neither one of them every had other plans. This year, they invited Abby along as well even though she had a date planned with Nick for the following evening.

“Okay so you need to get barbecue potato chips or I’ll never speak to you again.” Abby passed the list over to Simon. His eyes scanned the other items on the list and read sour gummy worms, peanut M&Ms, and pink lemonade in addition to the chips.

“Tempting.” Simon looked Abby directly in the eye.

Abby gasped and threw her hand to her chest. “I feel so attacked.”

Simon gave his friend a sly smile. He tucked the paper into his back pocket so he wouldn’t forget the list at the grocery store.

The desk in front of Simon sat empty, until Cal plopped himself into it.

“Hey, guys.”

Simon nodded.

“Hey, Cal,” Abby smiled sweetly at him.

“How are you? It’s weird not hanging out every day after school at rehearsal.”

Simon chuckled, “weird, but definitely more relaxing.”

“I miss seeing everyone,” Abby added, “but we’ve been good. Just living life.”

“It feels like summer can’t come fast enough.”

“Yeah,” Simon laughed, “but I am not ready to take finals yet.”

Cal shook his head fervently, “god, no. Do you have any summer plans yet?”

“No,” Simon said, “I’m thinking of doing a road trip and maybe trying to get a job.”

“Nice. Sounds fun.” Cal smiled at Simon.

The final bell of the day rang and Simon stood to gather his things. “Nice seeing you,” he nodded in Cal’s direction and walked out of the classroom.

Abby rushed up behind him, “don’t forget the-”

“I know. Barbecue chips. Got it.”

“I’ll see you at Leah’s later.”

Simon waved behind him. He walked down the side stairwell and towards the library. Even though it was Friday, Simon needed to dedicate a couple of hours to studying for his next Spanish test. If Simon tried to study at home, he knew he would get distracted by snacks, his family, or YouTube. Or all three. Simon settled into a table at the back of the library and pulled out his books and notes.

* * *

A couple of hours later, Simon felt somewhat more accomplished an decided that he had made enough progress to quit for the afternoon.

Simon made his way to the side door of the school and exited out to the parking lot. The lot was nearly empty on the Friday afternoon. Simon only saw a few cars other than his own. As Simon walked towards his car, he noticed a small group gathered around another car nearby. The boys noticed Simon and began murmuring to each other.

Simon eyed the boys cautiously. He couldn’t make out who it was, but something about their behavior make Simon uncomfortable. Simon picked up his speed, hoping to reach his car and get inside before any of the boys could start talking to him. Simon wasn’t that lucky, though.

He was almost to the car when one of the boys started shouting at him.

“Hey, Spier! Where are you going? To suck your boyfriend’s dick?”

Simon ignored him and kept walking.

“Oh c’mon. Don’t be like that. I’m just trying to have a friendly conversation.” The boy, Simon was pretty sure his name was Aaron, pushed off the car and started walking towards Simon.

Simon kept his eyes fixed on his car, hoping to get there before Aaron got to him.

“Who is it anyways? The homo you’re fucking? Is it that loser Martin Addison?”

Simon clenched his fists. “Why? Are you jealous?” Simon stood next to his car.

Aaron’s eyes flashed and he stalked over to the car. “You don’t get to talk to me like that you fucking queer.” Aaron reached around Simon and slammed his hand into Simon’s car.

Simon tensed up. “I didn’t start this.”

“Don’t act all self-righteous just because you’re ‘being yourself.’ No one cares about who you are, homo or not.”

“Who made you like this?” Simon put on a mask of sympathy, “is this because no one ever hugged you as a child or told you they loved you?”

“Fuck off, Spier.” Aaron put up his hands and shoved Simon by the shoulders.

Simon didn’t know if he was going to scream or cry or vomit or kick something. He quickly ducked into the vehicle and locked the doors. He peeled out of the parking lot, ignoring the shouts from the other boys.

Simon’s knuckles were white from gripping the steering wheel so hard. He drove to the Publix down the street from his house.

Simon parked his car in the Publix parking lot and hopped out. He made it to the refrigerated section at the back of the store before the tension released from his body and angry tears took over.

Simon pounded his hand against the glass door separating him from 2% milk. The mom and toddler in the same aisle looked at Simon in surprise. The mother hurried her cart to the next aisle, glancing at Simon over her shoulder.

Simon composed himself enough to find all the snacks on Abby's list and check out.

Simon grabbed his plastic grocery sacks and thanked the cashier before stalking out to the parking lot. Simon chuckled the bags into the backseat and slammed the door shut. He climbed into the driver's seat and slammed his hand into the steering wheel, pounding out his frustrations. Simon rested his head on the steering well. _Shit. Shit. Shit._ He felt like crap. He felt pissed off. He felt defeated.

In his driveway, Simon wiped at his eyes and waited for the red puffiness to die down before going inside.

Simon shoved his grocery bags onto the counter and tried to run upstairs to his room before being noticed by his family.

“Hey, Si.”

Simon paused on the stairs. He cursed under his breath at being caught. “Hey, dad.”

“What are you doing?”

“Going to change. I’m spending the night with Leah and Abby.”

“It’s a good thing you’re gay or I might be worried about you.”

“Dad, you let me spend the night with them all the time before you knew I was gay.” Simon chuckled.

“Oh yeah,” Jack smiled. “Are you okay? Your eyes look weird.”

“I’m fine.”

“Are you smoking pot?”

“Wha-, no, Dad. I don’t smoke pot.”

“Just checking. Would you tell me if you were?”

“Sure, Dad, can I go now?”

Jack motioned his hand at his son, freeing him.

Up in his room, Simon threw himself onto the bed. He pulled a pillow over his face and groaned. He lay there for a few minutes before rolling over and opening the email app on his phone.

 

**FROM:** **frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO:** **bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: February 12 th, 6:14pm**

**SUBJECT: ugh**

Blue,

I had the shittiest day. Ever. Of all time. Please make it better?

-Love, Jacques

* * *

"Simon, you're late." Leah chided when Simon arrived at her house.

"I know. The, umm, grocery store took longer than I thought. And then I had to go home and get my stuff."

"Well, come eat with us," Abby said with a slice of pizza halfway in her mouth.

Simon brought the grocery bags into the kitchen. He plopped himself onto a stool picked up a slice of pizza.

Abby and Leah started talking about the movies Abby had brought over. Simon receded into his own thoughts and blocked out his friends.

"Earth to Simon." Leah waved a hand in front of Simon's face. "Where are you?"

"What? Oh. Sorry."

Abby's eyebrows pulled together. "Are you okay?"

Simon nodded. "Yeah I'm great."

His friends didn't seem convinced.

Simon grabbed the bowls of snacks and brought them to Leah's basement. He popped one of the movies into the DVD player. Abby and Leah sat distracted by the movie. Simon zoned out again. He wasn’t even conscious of what movie was playing.

Half way through the film, Abby clicked the pause button on the remote. “Okay, Simon. Something is up. You’ve been out of it all night. What’s wrong?”

Simon looked from Abby to Leah. Both their faces were filled with seriousness and concern.

Simon blinked. He shook his head and spat out the entire story from earlier that afternoon.

“Simon, are you kidding me?” Abby’s eyes were furious.

“What the actual fuck?” Leah looked murderous. “This is unacceptable.”

Simon shrugged and hung his head.

“We have to do something,” Abby said.

“Like what?” Simon looked her in the eye, “tell someone, nothing happens, and I get more shit from those guys?”

Abby bit her lip.

“This isn’t okay, Si.” Leah scoffed.

Abby agreed, “Simon, seriously, you can’t just not do anything.”

“I don’t know,” Simon rubbed a hand over his face.

“Did you tell your parents?” Leah asked.

Simon shook his head. “They would blow it out of proportion.”

Leah’s voice got quiet, “they would want to know.”

“It’s fine, guys. I was upset but I’ll get over it.”

“Simon,” Leah’s face was full of compassion, “you shouldn’t have to.” She wrapped an arm around Simon’s shoulders.

Abby was poking at the screen of her cell phone.

“Abby?” Simon said her name like a question.

“If you hid this from Nick and he found out he would be pissed.”

Simon sighed. “Fine. Can we just drop it now?”

Neither Leah nor Abby looked very happy but they gave into Simon’s wishes. Abby resumed the movie.

Simon was still distracted for the rest of the evening. He ignored Abby and Leah constantly glancing at him as if they were checking to make sure he was holding together.

* * *

“Hold up, can you pause this?” Garrett gestured towards the television screen displaying the boys’ video game. He walked towards the kitchen, presumably for more peanut butter filled pretzels.

Nick complied. He picked up his phone to check for any messages from Abby.

“The hell?” Nick furrowed his brow at the screen of his phone.

Bram raised his eyebrows at his friend. “What?”

“Simon. Some guys were messing with him after school.” He read the text messages to Bram.

Garrett reentered the room carrying a bowl. “What are you talking about?”

Nick showed him the texts.

Bram was quiet. His face was serious and hard. “Who was it?”

Nick typed a message to Abby and waited for his phone to buzz with a new message. “It was Aaron and some other juniors.”

“Fucking dicks,” Garrett’s voice was loud with anger.

Bram was still quiet, though his face spoke volumes of the depth of his anger.

None of the boys really knew what to say. They were all so upset for their friend and unsure of what to do about it.

Bram spoke first. “He isn’t going to get away with this.”

* * *

Simon and Bram walked to English class side by side on Monday afternoon. Simon had noticed Bram was especially quiet at lunch. Now that they were alone, he worked up the courage to ask him about it.

“Bram, are you okay? You don’t seem like yourself.”

Bram eyes glanced to Simon’s face and then quickly moved away. “I’m good.”

Simon lifted an eyebrow at the other boy. “Are you sure?”

“Can we just drop it? Please?”

Simon bit the inside of his cheek and nodded.

Bram continued, “are _you_ okay?”

“What do you mean?”

Bram gave Simon a pointed look.

“Oh. That. I’m fine now. It was scary and I was upset but it’s okay.”

“It’s anything but okay, Simon,” Bram said quietly.

Simon just shrugged, not knowing how to respond.

The final two class periods of the day trudged on. After school, Simon met Leah at her locker. She made Simon promise he wouldn’t walk out to his car alone anymore. Simon figured he could appease her for a couple of weeks before she would forget about the whole thing.

Simon climbed into his car and was about to pull out of the parking lot when he hear a noise come from his cell phone.

 

**FROM:** **bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO:** **frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: February 15 th, 3:56pm**

**SUBJECT: ugh 2.0**

Jacques,

I meant to tell you yesterday that my mom loved everything I made her. Thank Little Sis for me. She said it was my best Valentine’s Day meal of all time and she has big expectations for next year. I should start planning now.

How was your movie-filled evening with your sister? Did it live up to your expectations?

On a funnier/not so funny note, my dad called yesterday and asked if I want to go on a vacation in August before school starts. My dad and stepmom are going to the barriers islands in North Carolina. Little Fetus will have made an appearance by then and he will be two months old. Going on a vacation with a two-month-old infant sounds like the worst possible idea.

-Love, Blue

* * *

Basketball practice ended and Bram stalked to the locker room, dripping with sweat from running sprints. The entire practice, Bram had kept a close eye on Aaron. Bram hadn’t planned on saying or doing anything about the incident with Simon, but when he saw Aaron’s smug face he almost lost it.

Bram showered quickly and returned to his locker to change. He sat on the bench packing away his things and watching Aaron out of the corner of his eye.

Nick tried asking Bram a question but he hadn’t paid enough attention to come up with an answer. He vaguely registered Garrett punching his arm and asking if he was alright.

When Aaron exited the locker room, Bram followed. Aaron didn’t notice Bram’s presence until they were outside in the back parking lot.

He gave Bram a friendly nod.

Bram responded with a fierce glare and a hard set to his jaw.

“What’s your deal, Greenfeld?”

Bram walked up to the other boy.

“You are. You treat my friends like shit and I’m okay with it.” Bram said calmly.

Aaron laughed in his face. “Is this about Spier? Why do you care so much about that queer?”

“I care because I’m a decent person and I’m not an asshole.”

“Fuck off, Greenfeld.” Aaron started to turn. “Homo lover,” he muttered under his breath.

Bram reached forward to grab Aaron’s shoulder. Aaron spun around and swung a fist at Bram.

In that moment, Bram’s adrenaline took over and he ducked out of the way of Aaron’s fist and then swung back. His hand connected with jaw bone. Aaron stumbled backwards and put his hands up to his face.

Bram shook his hand out, ignoring the pain radiating through his knuckles. “I hope you learned your lesson.”

Aaron stared at Bram in pain and awe as he strolled away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter was really difficult to write. I kind of hate doing this to Simon and Bram but you know, drama. So yeah, let me know what you guys think.
> 
> I've also been struggling H A R D the last several days to write at all. I've had plenty of time to write and I even know what I want to be writing but I feel like I've just been in a funk any time I try to sit down and do it. This shouldn't affect updates since I've been writing ahead. But anyways, send me your words of love and encouragement because I thrive off of your validation because I'm shallow but also I love all of you so very dearly. Xoxo.


	19. Dix-Neuf

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon finds out what happened with Aaron.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I completely forgot to upload yesterday. I was in a friend's wedding this weekend so it was kind of crazy and busy but I'm glad to be back here. Love you babes.

Simon was walking to European History class on Tuesday morning when he first noticed it. He had been passing Aaron in the hallway, intending to keep his eyes forward when the dark reddish purple mark on the side of Aaron’s face jumped out at him. The location and the size of the mark made it very clear that someone had popped Aaron in the jaw.

Simon realized he was staring when Aaron caught eye contact with him. Simon’s face was confused. Aaron held eye contact for a second, before lowering his eyes. He looked sheepish and ashamed.

Aaron passed Simon, keeping his head down.

Part of Simon wanted to follow him and ask him who the offender was. Simon brushed it out of his mind until later that morning. He shared Spanish with Aaron. He sat one row over and a few back. He had the perfect view of Aaron’s jaw. He listened to people ask him what happened and heard some muttered lie about a soccer ball to the face.

Simon bit back the feeling guilt. He knew what Aaron had done was wrong but he wasn’t sure violence was the appropriate response.

The rest of the day, Simon’s mind thought about who could have done it. Simon mulled over the possibilities. Leah was probably angry enough to punch someone, he didn’t think she would actually go through with it though. Abby was far too sweet to even consider physical violence. Simon didn’t think Bram or Garrett considered him a good enough friend to get that upset over the situation. That left Nick.

 

After school, Simon met Nick, Leah, and Abby at WaHo.

He slid into the booth beside Nick as Abby was asking about prom.

“So what are we even doing for prom?”

“It’s like two months away.” Nick countered.

“Two months is not a long time, Nicholas.”

“How long could it possibly take for us to pick a restaurant and some fancy clothes.”

“Okay first of all,” Abby was interrupted by a server coming to the table to take their orders. Once the server left, Abby resumed her argument. “First of all, we have to make a reservation which means we have to figure out how many people are going. God help me if we end up at the Waffle House on prom night. Second, I don’t know what the deal is with suits but Leah and I have already started shopping for dresses. You need to get on it.”

Nick didn’t have a worthwhile response. Instead, he just threw a “whatever” in Abby’s direction. “It will probably just be the four of us plus Garrett and Bram.” Nick informed Abby.

“Don’t you think they will have dates?” Leah asked.

Nick just shrugged, “how should I know?”

Abby leaned forward with her elbows on the sticky linoleum table, “have you considered asking them.”

“You’re hopeless,” Leah laughed when Nick gave them another shrug.

“Don’t worry,” Simon wrapped an arm around Nick, “we can go try on tux shopping together.”

“Si, the only items of clothing you wear are hoodies.” Leah rolled her eyes, “I’m not sure Nick should take fashion advice from you.”

Simon pretended to be offended. “I think Nick and I can objectively decide when the other looks smoking hot.”

Nick put an arm around Simon, “I would love to objectify you, Simon.”

“Not what I said, but thank you. I would love to objectify you too.”

The server returned to the tables carrying plates stacked with food.

Simon drenched his plate in syrup and started cutting huge bites out of his waffles.

“Did you all see Aaron today?” Leah asked the table. Simon almost choked on his bite.

“He kept saying he got hit with a soccer ball. I kind of don’t believe him though.” Abby took a bite of waffle.

Nick shrugged, “maybe he did get hit with a soccer ball.”

Simon glanced sideways at Nick. Something about the tone of his voice didn’t convince Simon.

Leah looked at Simon, “do you think it had anything to do with-” she didn’t finish her sentence.

“I don’t know.”

“Aaron is an asshole in general. He’s probably done a dozen things just this week that he deserves to be punched for,” Nick interjected.

They dropped the topic after that.

The friends finished their waffles and the girls left soon after. Simon and Nick walked out to the parking lot together. Nick was laughing at some meme Garrett had sent him.

Simon stood in the parking lot by their cars. He shoved his hands into the back pockets of his jeans.

“Did you do it?” Simon looked up through his eyelashes.

Nick’s face turned serious. “No, it wasn’t me. Really.”

Simon exhaled.

Nick kept talking, “I know who it was though. And I promised I wouldn’t say anything.”

“I understand,” Simon mumbled.

“Part of me wishes I had been the one to do it.”

Simon stared at Nick, confused. “I didn’t want this. I didn’t want it to turn into this.”

Nick placed a hand heavily on Simon’s shoulder, “I know, man. But that guy is a real jerk and you don’t deserve to be treated that way. No one does. And people who treat other people like that need to know that it isn’t okay. Being gay shouldn’t make you some easy target. It not something that’s wrong with you. It’s just who you are. No one should be terrorized for who they are when all they are trying to do is make the world a better place. You’re my best friend. I feel like I should have been the one to defend you and have your back.”

Simon chuckled, “I know that. Even if you didn’t punch someone for me. You’re my best friend too, Nick. I know you’re always there for me. I love you, man.”

“Love you too. I would do anything for you, man.” Nick pulled Simon into a tight hug.

Simon reciprocated by wrapping his arms around Nick. “I know,” Simon laughed, “no homo, though.”

Nick pulled back and tilted his head at Simon.

“Okay, maybe a little homo.” He laughed and Nick pulled him back into the hug. “Let me go now.”

“Never.”

“Nick, let me go.” Simon started shoving at his friend.

“No. Love me!” Nick strained his arms to hold on to Simon. He wrapped his arms around Simon and picked him.

Simon flailed his limbs. “Put me down.”

The two boys laughed for a minute before Nick dropped Simon back onto the concrete.

“Okay, be serious now,” Nick said, “I need your help with something.”

Simon stood up from the ground and brushed himself off. “Why would I help you? You’re a jerk.”

“Aww c’mon.” Nick pouted.

“Fine. What?”

“I’m going to ask Abby to prom.” Nick smiled sweetly.

“Am I supposed to be surprised?” Simon lifted an eyebrow.

“Wow. Now who’s being the jerk?”

“I’m sorry. I’m kidding. I’m kidding. So you’re going to ask Abby to prom, huh?”

“Yeah. What do you think?”

“Oh I definitely think she’ll say no.”

Nick looked exasperated.

“Dude,” Simon clapped a hand on Nick’s shoulder, “she definitely wants to go with you. Aren’t you guys dating, anyways?”

“Well we haven’t like made it ‘boyfriend-girlfriend’ official.”

Simon pursed his lips and nodded. “What did you need my help with?”

“I want to do something special to ask her to prom. But I don’t know what to do. Do you think Abby would really appreciate one of those ‘promposals’ people do?”

“No. I think she might hate that.”

Nick rubbed the back of his neck.

“Have you thought about just taking her out to dinner or doing a normal date and asking her then? You could buy flowers if you want to do something special,” Simon suggested.

“That’s a good idea,” Nick sighed, “I think-, I think I’m going to ask her to be my girlfriend.” Nick swallowed hard.

Simon grinned at Nick. “I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks, man. You think it’s a good idea?”

Simon smiled harder, “Yeah, I really do.”

The boys hugged again before parting ways.

* * *

**FROM:** **frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO:** **bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: February 16 th, 7:02pm**

**SUBJECT: Warm Fuzzies**

Blue,

Do you ever have one of those conversations with a friend where you can just feel how much they love you? You just know that they would do anything for you and it feels really nice. I think I almost cried.

-Love, Jacques

 

**FROM:** **bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO:** **frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: February 16 th, 7:49pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Warm Fuzzies**

Jacques,

I know exactly what you are talking about. It makes my insides feel like hot fudge: warm, gooey, and sweet. You feel so confident.

I often get that feeling when I’m talking to you. You make me feel so sure of myself. I think I could go anywhere and do anything if I have you backing me up. With you, I feel as if I could jump off a cliff and instead of falling, I’d start flying. I apologize if that’s cheesy.

-Love, Blue

 

**FROM:** **frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO:** **bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: February 16 th, 8:10pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Warm Fuzzies**

Blue,

That isn’t cheesy. It’s very nice. I feel the same way about you. Even when I have crappy/weird/awful days, I know you’ll be there for me and that always makes everything better. I haven’t even met you. I can’t imagine how much more I might feel that when we do meet.

-Love, Jacques

 

**FROM:** **bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO:** **frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: February 16 th, 8:23pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Warm Fuzzies**

Jacques,

There’s a possibility that together we could take on the world together, or take it over. Should we become a nefarious team of supervillains? It’s just an idea, think it over.

-Love, Blue

 

**FROM:** **frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO:** **bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: February 16 th, 8:51pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Warm Fuzzies**

I love the idea. Two gays, taking over the world one day at a time with the homosexual agenda. Pure evil.

-Love, Jacques

 

**FROM:** **bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO:** **frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: February 16 th, 9:15pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Warm Fuzzies**

Our first order of business would be to seize the world’s entire supply of Oreos and Reese’s peanut butter cups.

 

**FROM:** **frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO:** **bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: February 16 th, 9:32pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Warm Fuzzies**

I love the way your mind works. Such a turn on.

 

**FROM:** **bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO:** **frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: February 16 th, 9:54pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Warm Fuzzies**

I’ll keep that in mind for future reference.

-Love, Blue

* * *

Simon walked into English class the following day and saw Mr. Wise writing on the dry erase board. The note was to the class telling them it was a free workday to work on their big project due in May. Simon scanned the room to see if Bram was there yet. He wasn’t.

Simon grabbed his phone from his backpack and composed a text to Bram.

 

_(1:27pm) Simon: Workday for our project. Meet in the library?_

_(1:27pm) Simon: I’ll be in the back by the windows_

_(1:28pm) Bram: I’ll meet you there._

Simon found an empty in the back of the library. He unpacked his English notebook, pens, and _Pride and Prejudice,_ the book they were using for their project.

“Hey,” Bram swung his backpack onto an empty chair and sat down next to Simon.

“Hey,” Simon smiled softly.

“So what do we need to work on today?”

The project was to take a classic novel and reimagine it in a modern format. Simon and Bram had decided to use their novel and portray the events of the plot through a series of social media posts.

“I think we should just finish blocking out the important plot points and-” Simon stopped.

Bram had folded his hands on the tabletop. The knuckles of his right hand were bruised.

Simon looked intently at Bram’s hands. _Those beautiful hands._ The hands that had defended him.

Bram noticed Simon’s staring and quickly lowered his hands under the table.

“You-” Simon started, “it was you.”

“It’s me,” Bram whispered. Simon didn’t understand the double meaning of his statement.

“You did that. I can’t believe you did that for me.”

_Of course I did._

“Thanks, Bram. I didn’t-” Simon shook his head.

_You didn’t what? Think I cared? Think I valued you to that extent? I do. I’m Blue. It’s me, I’m Blue. You’re oblivious and I love you._ Bram ignored all the thoughts jumping to the front of his mind. He shrugged instead.

“I really do appreciate it, Bram. But you don’t have to do that again. I mean, being violent isn’t the best way to deal with it.”

Bram sighed. “I know. I was so frustrated for you. And that guy’s a jerk.”

“You shouldn’t get in trouble for me.”

“He shouldn’t get away with being a bully.”

Simon smiled at Bram. Bram returned the sentiment.

Bram pulled out his own notebook. “We should actually work on this.”

“Nerd.”

Bram jaw dropped. “That’s the thanks I get? I see how it is, Spier.”

Both boys laughed. As they started working on their project, Simon was grateful his friendship with Bram was a little stronger than he’d originally thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Nick's conversation outside of WaHo was inspired by the deleted scene from Love, Simon. If you haven't watched them then go do it right now. 10/10 would recommend.


	20. Vingt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon is angsty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Make sure to read the time stamps on the emails, friends!

Simon rolled over and looked at the clock next to his bed. It read 2:04am. There were plenty of nights Simon had stayed up this late intentionally. Tonight was not one of those nights. Simon had been in bed and trying to fall asleep since 11 the night before.

Every time Simon closed his eyes he saw Bram's gentle smile and warm eyes and the most beautiful hands the universe had ever created. Every time he closed his eyes he imagined Blue. He imagined meeting Blue and feeling so at ease with the smart, kind soul he loved. He imagined a tangling of limbs and pressing lips together.

Simon sighed and flipped his body onto his stomach. He grabbed one of his extra pillows and hugged it tight.

The next time Simon checked the clock it read 3:48am. Simon groaned. He felt groggy and his limbs felt heavy.

Simon pulled a pillow over his face. _Maybe if I can suffocate myself with this pillow and then I'll finally be able to sleep._

Simon tried to think about anything other than Blue and Bram. He tried to think about the biology test he was dreading next week or his plans to go tux shopping with Nick this weekend. It didn't work.

Simon fell into a restful sleep until 5:08am.

He woke up again with two boys on his mind.

Simon got out of bed to use the bathroom. He didn't turn on the light over the sink, hoping that staying in the dark would allow him to go back to sleep.

Back in bed, Simon stared at the dark ceiling. The room felt too hot for him to be comfortable. His brain was laser-focused.

Simon lay in bed for another hour before giving up and get out of bed. He wandered downstairs and settled onto the couch. He plugged his headphones into his phone and pulled up a show on Netflix.

Simon was clicking on the next episode when he heard a creak on the stairs.

Simon yanked one of the earbuds out of his ear. Nora appeared in the doorway.

Simon's brow wrinkled. "What are you doing up?"

"Me? I'm always up this early. What are you doing up?"

"I couldn't sleep," Simon shrugged.

"I'm going to make breakfast." Nora left for the kitchen.

Simon grabbed the throw blanket off the couch and followed her. He positioned himself on a stool to watch her cook.

"What are you making?"

"Baked yeast donuts with raspberry cream filling."

"Yum. Can you put icing on top?" Simon suggested.

"Plain or chocolate?" Nora smiled at her big brother.

Simon gave her a pointed look.

"Chocolate it is, then."

Nora moved to the counter where there was a sheet pan covered with a dish towel. Nora removed the towel to reveal rows of small, round buns she had made the night before. She gently poked at a couple of them to make sure they were soft and pillowy. She set the temperature on the oven and then cracked an egg into a bowl. She whisked the egg together and brushed the tops of the donuts.

Simon was impressed with how comfortable she looked in the kitchen. She hadn't been cooking for that long but she was already so talented. Simon really was proud of his sister and he also didn't mind being one if her Guinea pigs. Usually it worked out pretty well.

Nora put the tray into the oven and set the timer. She pulled two pans and put them on the stove. Into one pan, she dumped raspberries and water. The second she filled with ingredients for the pastry cream.

"Come stir this," she ordered Simon to the raspberries. He abandoned his blanket and took the wooden spoon Nora was holding. He watched her whip the pastry cream.

"Nora?"

"Yeah?"

"I've been wrapped up in my own stuff for a while. How are you doing? How is school?"

Nora smiled up at Simon. "I'm good. I've made a some good friends this year. There's a girl named Madelyn that I hang out with a lot. She's really cool."

"That's good. I'm glad you have someone like that. Is there anyone else?"

Nora gave him a puzzled look.

Simon continued. "Are there any boys?"

Nora giggled. "You don't want to hear about that stuff."

"Yes I do," Simon argued, "I'm your big brother. I have to look out for you."

Nora sighed. "There's this one boy. His name is Ryan. He's really smart and really nice. He's funny too. We have a lot of classes together and he talks to me a lot."

Simon grinned at her. "Is he nice to everybody or just you?"

"Everybody."

"Good. Well, he sounds decent. Even though I don't think anyone will ever be good enough for you. If he turns out to be a jerk let me know. I'll rough him up for you."

"Oh so you're scary now?" Nora raised her eyebrows at Simon and smirked.

Simon scoffed. "Okay so I know people that could do it." _People like Bram._ Simon shoved that though off to the side of his brain.

The timer on the oven went off and Nora pulled out the donuts, now puffier and more golden.

Simon settled back onto the stool with his blanket wrapped around him. Nora mixed the cooked raspberries, the pastry cream, and the whipped cream she had made. She stirred the concoction in a big glass bowl until she had a fluffy pile of sweet, pink, creamy filling.

Simon dipped a finger into the bowl. Nora swatted at him and missed. Simon sucked the raspberry cream off his finger.

"At least use a spoon," Nora chided.

"It’s really good, Nora."

"Really?"

Simon nodded and reached forward to get another swipe of the filling. This time, Nora was faster and she stuck a spoon into his hand.

While the donuts cooled, Nora melted chocolate chips for the icing.

Nora was just about to start assembling the donuts when Jack and Emily ambled into the kitchen.

"Hey guys. Simon, what are you doing up already?" Emily pressed a kiss to her son's cheek.

"I just woke up early."

Jack stood in front of the bowl piled with cream filling. He stuck a finger into the bowl.

"Oh my god," Nora rolled her eyes at her dad.

Jack ignored her. "Nora. That's so good."

Nora stuffed the cream into a pastry bag and started filling the donuts with the cream. Once on was filled she passed it to Emily who dipped the tops into the rich chocolate icing and placed them on a tray.

The donuts didn't stay on the tray for very long before being snatched by Jack and Simon.

"Are you going to save any for the rest of us, honey?" Emily smiled sweetly at her husband.

Jack swiped some of the pastry cream spilling from the donut he was eating and walked up behind Emily. He reached around and plopped the cream onto Emily's nose.

"Hey!" She retaliated by swiping chocolate icing onto Jack's cheek.

Jack leaned over and licked the filling off Emily's face.

"Ugh get a room." Simon rolled his eyes.

"Excuse me, this is my room. This whole house is my room." Jack laughed and passionately kissed his wife's lips.

Simon reached into the bag containing the leftover chocolate chips and flicked one at his dad.

"Oh now you're asking for it," Jack's face lit up with a smile.

The kitchen erupted into chaotic laughter and flinging of chocolate chips.

* * *

After the family polished off the donuts and cleaned up the kitchen together, Jack and Simon took Bieber for a walk.

The weather was cool but the sunshine was bright on the Saturday morning.

Simon and Jack walked for a while, discussing random topics like baseball and school.

The conversation came to a pause.

Jack broke the silence. "How are you doing, Si?"

"I'm okay. Why?"

"I don't know. You've just seemed 'off' the last few days. I wanted to make sure everything is okay. No one is giving you trouble at school?"

"No," Simon half lied. No one had bothered him since the "Aaron's face meets Bram's fist" incident.

"Okay." Jack nodded.

"There is kind of this one thing," Simon piped up, "it's really not a big deal though."

Jack looked at Simon for him to continue.

"There's a guy and we're friends. He's really smart and nice and he's kind of quiet but if you get to know him he's really funny. I though he was awkward at first but it's just because he's shy. He's just really great."

"So what's the problem?" Jack probed.

"I'm 99% sure he's straight."

"Oh. Yeah that would be a problem." Jack agreed.

Simon just nodded.

"Are you sure? Has he dated a lot of girls?"

"No, but he just moved to Shady Creek last fall so maybe he just hasn't had the time."

Jack mulled this over. "I wish I knew what to tell you, bud. I don't have any experience to share with you or advice to give."

Simon smiled up at his dad. "It's okay, dad. It helps to talk about it."

Jack wrapped an arm around Simon. "You can always talk to me. Even if it's something I don't understand. I'll always listen."

"I know, Dad."

"I love you," Jack kissed the side of his son's head.

Simon pulled away. "Not in public, Dad. Or I will be forced to pretend I don't know you."

* * *

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: Saved as draft February 20th, 11:29am**

**SUBJECT: I need to be honest with you**

Blue,

I need to get something off my chest. There's someone else. I've met someone that I really like. I still have feelings for you, Blue. I'm just confused.

-Love, Jacques

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: Saved as draft February 20th, 11:37am**

**SUBJECT: Truth Bomb**

Blue,

I've fallen for someone else. But I'd forget all about him if I could just have you. Please, Blue.

-Love, Jacques

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: Saved as draft February 20th, 11:43am**

**SUBJECT: I'm an idiot**

Blue,

I've gone and done the stupidest thing possible. Any guesses?

I like someone who is straight. I can't believe myself. I'm sorry, Blue. I didn't mean to.

-Love, Jacques

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: Saved as draft February 20th, 11:58am**

**SUBJECT: wtf is wrong with me???**

Blue,

I'm so sorry. I like someone else. I never meant for this to happen. I can't even believe it. I think I feel lonely. Even though I have you and I love talking to you it just isn't the same. It's not the same as being able to look into your eyes on hold your hand or wrap you up in my arms.

Blue, please make me forget this other boy even exists. Tell me who you are. Let's meet for real.

-Love, Jacques

 

Monday afternoon in English is another workday. Simon and Bram commandeer a huge table in the back of the library. They have color-coded note cards strewn across the table along with their novel and notebooks propped open.

Bram is pitching an idea about one of Elizabeth's Instagram posts when they were interrupted.

"Hey, Bram." A blonde-headed girl approached the table.

Bram barely glanced her way. "Hi, Annie."

"How are you?" She leaned her hip against the table.

"Fine. Just working on a project."

"Wow this looks like a big deal."

"It is." There was no malice in Bram's voice. He was just being matter-of-fact.

Simon had to bite back a laugh at Bram's shortness.

"Are you going to prom?" The girl's voice was almost sickly sweet.

"Yeah, I'm planning on it."

The girl kept going. She was really putting in the effort with Bram. "Do you have a tux yet?"

"No. I'll probably go this week."

"Oh cool. I don't have a dress yet either. I'm waiting to see if someone asks me to be their date. Then we can match." Annie said suggestively.

Objectively speaking, the girl was cute. She had shiny, blonde hair. She seemed nice enough. She was bubbly and perky. Those were the type of things straight boys usually liked. _Right?_ Simon asked himself.

"That's a good idea. I'm sorry, Annie, but we really have to work on this right now."

The girl tried to hide the disappointment on her face. "No biggie. I'll see you later." She gave a small wave as she backed away.

Simon stayed quiet for a moment before speaking up.

"She wanted you to ask her to prom." Simon stated the obvious.

Bram flashed his eyes to Simon. "I know. She isn't my type."

Simon swallowed hard. Even though part of him wanted to be nosy and ask what Bram's 'type' was, a wiser part of him knew better than to open that can of worms.

The boys made progress on their assignment but finally gave up with 10 minutes left in the class period.

"What did you do this weekend?" Bram folded his hands under his chin.

Simon laughed. "I dragged Nick along with me to go tux shopping for prom."

Bram joined in the laughter. "And how did that go?"

"About as well as you'd expect. He asked me why he couldn't just wear his soccer uniform to prom. I had to convince him not to rent a royal blue suit even though 'Ronaldo wore one once.'"

Bram shook his head. "I expect it'll be similar going with Garrett."

"So what did you do this weekend?" Simon questioned.

"My dad drove up for the weekend so I saw him."

"Your dad doesn't live here?"

"No, he lives in Savannah. My parents are divorced." Bram was very aware that reminding Simon of this information could give Simon a clue into Blue's real identity. Bram almost hoped that Simon would figure it out.

Simon looked surprised. "Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Sorry."

Bram smiled gently and shrugged his shoulders. "I don't really talk about it often. It's okay though."

* * *

The next day at lunch Bram pulled a package of Reese's peanut butter cups out of his backpack.

"Dude, where did you get those?" Garrett asked.

"My dad brought me a bunch of them. He knows they are my favorite." Bram smiled. He ripped open the plastic cover. "If I could only eat one food for the rest of my life it would be peanut butter cups," he said quietly, just to Simon.

Simon turned and grinned at Bram. "That's funny. I have another friend who says the same thing."

"Who?" Bram wondered bravely.

Panic quickly passed over Simon's face. "Oh, just umm-, just a friend. You don't know him." Simon turned back to the cheese pizza on his tray.

Simon looked sideways at the way Bram's long, knobby fingers carefully unwrapped each peanut butter cup.

The conversation continued around Simon without him noticing. His concentration broke when Bram broke his last peanut butter cup in half and offered it to Simon.

Simon's smile dazzled Bram as he accepted the chocolate.

Nick interrupted their moment with a question. "Bram, are you going to have a date for prom?"

Bram and Simon both turned to look at Nick.

"I wasn't planning on asking anyone. Why?"

"We are just trying to make a dinner reservation for prom night."

"Why hasn't anyone asked me if I'm going to have a date for prom?" Simon joked.

Five sets of eyes stared awkwardly at him.

"It was a joke, guys." Simon laughed and the rest of his friends joined in.

Simon's ears blocked out the rest of his friends in order to soak up as much of Bram's chuckle as they could.

Somewhere in the grogginess if Simon's brain he registered something abnormal.

"Wait, what?" Simon looked at Leah and Garrett

"Yeah I asked Leah to prom," Garrett smiled, "as friends," he added quickly.

Leah blushed slightly and lowered her face.

"So it'll just be the six of us then," Abby determined.

"Greenfeld," Garrett piped up, "you and Spier can just go as each other's dates then." Garrett beamed at his own idea.

Simon felt his stomach clench.

Bram gave Garrett a death glare. His heartbeat quickened.

After a few seconds both boys laughed it off as if they thought it was a joke. Neither one of them wanted it to be a joke.

 

Shortly after, the group parted ways to go to their respective classes.

Abby knew Garrett had world geography after lunch so she followed him. He was twisting the combination into his locker when Abby cornered him.

"What's up with you and Bram?"

Garrett gave her a strange look. "We're friends?"

"I'm not dumb. I've picked up on the jokes you make."

"I don't know what you are talking about." Garrett's palms started to sweat.

"Don't play dumb," Abby glared at the taller boy, "is Bram gay?"

Garrett's eyes widened then returned to normal as he tried to hide his reaction. He pulled open his locker and turned to face the stack of textbooks.

"Does he like Simon?"

Garrett slammed the locker. He lowered his voice so it was barely a whisper. "I couldn't tell you even if I did know anything."

"Oh my God. Oh my god. He is. He isn't-, he isn't the email guy, is he?"

Garrett said nothing but his face spoke for him.

By the reaction on Abby's face, she hadn't expected this news. " _Shit._ "

Garrett leaned in closer. "You can't tell anyone. Not Simon. Not Bram. Not even Nick."

Abby nodded her head, speechless.

"I'm just trying to support him until he's ready."

Abby nodded. "I understand."

"I think him and Simon would be great together. But I can’t push too hard or he will freak out, I think."

"I won't say anything. To anyone."

Abby and Garrett high-fived as allies on an unspoken mission as they separated to their own classrooms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I used the phrase "can of worms" in this chapter and because I have all these settings on Microsoft word to help me with scholarly writing it wanted to to change "can of worms" to "assortment of problems" and I thought it was hilarious. That's probably just me though :)


	21. Vingt et Un

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon gets some news.

Simon wasn't exactly sure why Cal had wanted to talked to him after biology class. Simon waited for Cal at his locker.

Once Simon grabbed the books he needed for homework that night he suggested they go sit on the benches out front.

The weather in Shady Creek was getting warmer and the days were more consistently sunny.

Simon dropped his backpack onto the cement and settled into the bench. He wiped his hands on his jeans. Simon felt nervous but he wasn't sure why.

"So..." Simon got the ball rolling.

"So," Cal looked at Simon then looked down at his feet. "I wanted to tell you that, umm, that I'm bi."

"Oh." Simon wasn't sure what he expected but it wasn't that. "That's awesome, man. Really." Simon plastered an encouraging smile on his face.

"Thanks. You're the first person at school I told," Cal admitted.

"Oh wow. I-, wow." Simon nodded his head.

"It seemed easier to tell you. To tell someone who could relate." Cal cracked his knuckles nervously.

"I get it. Thanks for telling me, man. I'm happy for you."

"Thanks. I think I'm going to tell my other friends this weekend."

"How do you feel about that?" Simon inquired.

Cal shrugged. "I don't know. I think it will be okay. It might be awkward though."

"Yeah it might be. Even if they are completely okay with it."

"Thanks, Simon. It's nice to finally have told someone."

Simon patted Cal's shoulder and wished him luck.

It wasn't until Simon had park his car in the driveway that the thought passed through his mind. _What if Cal is Blue?_

Simon burst through the front door and sprinted upstairs. He was trying to remember ever detail Blue had ever revealed about his life.

Simon flipped open his laptop and opened the many email threads between the two boys. Simon didn't know Cal well enough to know half the things he knew about Blue. He had no idea if Cal's parents were divorced or if he loved peanut butter cups or if he secretly watched Glee. The one thing he did know is that both Cal and Blue play piano.

Simon read through months’ worth of emails trying to find anything to connect Blue to Cal.

A small voice at the back of Simon's mind kept reminding his that Cal had come out as bi, not gay.

Simon wondered whether he wanted Cal to be Blue at all.

Simon refreshed the page and there was a new email sitting in his inbox.

 

**FROM:** **bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO:** **frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: March 3rd, 6:17pm**

**SUBJECT: I’m Over It**

Jacques,

I’m over it. What is “it,” you ask?

The answer is everything. I’m over everything. Specifically, I’m over school, the looming threat of finals, and high school in general.

Unfortunately, I don’t think I can be helped.

It was nice knowing you, Jacques.

-All my love, Blue

Simon started to reply but then he saw the time on his laptop.

"Shit."

 

_(6:25pm) Simon: Sorry I'm running late. I'm leaving now._

 

Simon threw his phone and all his school supplies into his backpack and rushed downstairs.

He had to trek back up the stairs once he got to the car and realized he forgot his keys.

10 minutes later Simon pulled into the driveway of the unfamiliar house. When Simon walked up to the door he saw that it was open. He wondered if that meant he should just come in. Simon decided to knock anyways. He rapped his knuckles against the glass storm door.

Inside the house, Bram peeked around a corner. He motioned for Simon to come in.

"Hey. Sorry I'm late." Simon apologized.

"Don't worry about it," Bram smiled and led Simon into a large kitchen, "this is my mom, by the way."

"Hi, honey, I'm Diane."

Simon reached out to shake her hand. "I'm Simon. Thanks for letting me come over."

"Anytime, dear. Are you hungry? I'm making spaghetti and garlic bread."

"That sounds great, thanks." Simon smiled at Bram's mom.

"Garlic bread is Bram's favorite food." Diane smiled.

"Mom he probably doesn't care," Bram walked towards the stairs, "we will be in my room."

Simon followed Bram. "I _really_ care that your favorite food is garlic bread," Simon smirked at Bram.

Bram shook his head.

"But," Simon wondered aloud, "what will the peanut butter cups of the world think?"

"They haven't been dethroned. Garlic bread is my favorite 'real' food, I guess."

"Does garlic bread even count as 'real' food though?" Simon countered.

"It isn't candy, is it?"

Simon laughed.

Bram pushed open the door to his bedroom and moved aside to let Simon in. Simon stepped into the room.

He didn't know how he should feel walking into Bram's bedroom, although it looked exactly as he imagined it. The room was painted a soft gray color, there was a desk against one wall with a bookshelf next to it. The bookshelf was stuffed with books. Against the other wall, was a neatly made bed. The large window let in light.

As Simon took in Bram's room, Bram quickly moved to the desk and slammed his laptop shut.

_Maybe he was watching porn,_ Simon thought, _none of my business though._

Simon walked over to the bookshelf. He examined the eccentric selection of books.

"Are these organized by author's last name?" Simon turned to Bram.

Bram shrugged as if to say "is there any other way?"

Simon slid onto the floor. He lead up against Bram's mattress and pulled out his biology textbook.

“Okay let me start by saying that I hate microbiology with a passion.” Simon opened his books.

Bram chuckled, “it makes it harder if you hate it.”

“Ugh,” Simon slumped over, “I’m screwed.”

“We can do it, man.” Bram settled down next to Simon.

"You're very confident for someone who has no idea how terrible I am at bio." Simon chided.

"Oh no, I do know how bad you are at biology."

Simon gaped at Bram. "So much for feeling encouraged."

Bram smiled his perfect smile.

The next half hour was intensely focused on the reproductive process of bacteria until Diana knocked on the door with a tray of spaghetti, garlic bread, and salad.

"Eat your vegetables, boys," she warned them.

Bram and Simon sprawled on the floor of Bram's bedroom, carefully eating the plates of pasta as to not get sauce on the carpet.

"Your mom is awesome," Simon said.

"Yeah she is," Bram agreed.

"And she makes really good garlic bread." Simon crunched into the crispy, buttery bread. "It's been a while since I had a normal meal like this," Simon laughed.

"What do you mean 'normal?'"

"My sister wants to be a chef so she's on this creative cooking kick. She's really good but we eat a lot of weird food."

"Well, you're welcome here any time you need a normal meal."

Simon gave Bram his lopsided smile.

Bram kept talking, "Diane loves having people over."

Simon eyes crinkled with humor. "You call your mom 'Diane?'"

"Not to her face," Bram chuckled.

Simon and Bram finished their dinner and returned their dirty dishes to the dishwasher in the kitchen.

The boys has just settled back into studying spots, feeling warm and full.

Simon looked over at Bram, "It's kind of weird seeing you here in your natural habitat."

Bram's eyes filled with laughter. "My what?"

"Your natural habitat. You're just so quiet at school. It's almost like you have this whole secret life."

"I'm not hiding anything," Bram lied casually, "I'd rather not talk just to talk. I'd rather wait until I have something to say and make my words meaningful."

Simon nodded. Bram's thoughtfulness was endearing, really.

The boys studied together for another hour before Simon checked the time and said he needed to get home.

“I seriously appreciate you helping me. I don’t know what I would do otherwise.”

Bram shrugged, “Don’t mention it.”

Bram helped Simon gather his things and then he walked him down to the front door.

Simon paused in the doorway.

It would be so easy for Bram to admit everything right now. He could just say “I’m Blue.” Guilt pooled in Bram’s gut.

Simon waved goodbye and Bram slowly closed the door behind him.

Bram rubbed his hands over his face. He liked Simon so much. He thought he probably loved Simon. Bram knew Simon’s secrets but he was hiding who he was.

Bram bolted upstairs and flipped open his laptop. In a moment of boldness, Bram opened a new message.

 

**FROM:** **bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO:** **frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: March 3 rd. 9:21pm**

**SUBJECT: Coming Clean**

Jacques,

I haven’t been completely honest with you. I feel so guilty but I’ve been so scared. I didn’t know how to say anything or bring this up. I’m going to come out and say it.

I know who you are. Jacques a dit? Right?

I figured it out after you came out to the whole school. The things you’ve told me about yourself and your family all lined up.

I’m sorry I kept this from you for so long. I had no idea what to say or how to say it.

Please know this doesn’t change anything. Jacques, knowing who you are has only made my feelings for you grow stronger. You are kind, funny, and smart. I love everything about you.

Please don’t be mad that I know. Please understand that I don’t feel ready to tell you my identity. Every time I see you I just want to grab you and say “it’s me,” but I never do. I’m just not ready yet. But I promise that I will be. I’m sorry, Jacques. I’m so sorry. Please understand. Please forgive me.

-Love, Blue

 

_Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God._ Simon stood up from his desk so fast his knees knocked against the surface. Blue knew who he was. In the back of his mind, Simon always knew this was a possibility. Blue had never let on before that he knew Simon’s identity so he pushed it to a dusty corner of his mind and forgot about it.

_Oh my God._ Simon plopped back down into his desk chair. He read Blue’s message again. Blue was happy about who he was. He liked him. Not just anonymously on the internet but he _really_ liked him.

Simon wasn’t sure what to think. A little part of him thought this was unfair. Part of him was happy he didn’t have to be quite so careful anymore. He needed to process.

Simon typed a quick message to Blue, so he wouldn’t think Simon was upset.

 

**FROM:** **frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO:** **bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: March 3 rd, 10:01pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Coming Clean**

Blue,

I’m not mad or upset. I need time to process. But really, I’m not mad.

-Jacques

 

Simon shut his laptop and decided he would answer Blue’s message the next day. Simon decided to take a shower since that was where he did some of his best thinking.

Simon’s mind raced with multiple possibilities. _What if Blue knows about Bram?_

_Knows what about Bram?_ Another part of his mind asked. _Bram is straight as an arrow._

_What is Blue can see how you act around Bram? How you stare too long at his hands and his mouth and his melted-chocolate-brown eyes. What if Blue knows you have a crush on Bram and he’s jealous or upset?_

This biggest, loudest part of Simon’s brain kept asking _but who is Blue?_

* * *

“Simon, I thought the point of this was to get your mind _off_ of Blue?” Leah scolded Simon.

He had told his friends about the email from Blue a few days earlier. He hadn’t stopped freaking out since learning that Blue knew his identity.

“Uhh, no.” Simon shook his head, “I invited you all over so we can have a lengthy discussion about Blue so you guys can help me figure out who he is.” Simon said half-sarcastically to his friends.

Leah rolled her eyes. She was not hiding that fact that Simon was becoming obsessive over this subject.

“What do you even know about him?” Nick asked.

“It’s funny you ask,” Simon rummaged through a pile on his desk, “I made a list.” Simon held up a piece of notebook paper. At the top were the words “Blue’s identity.”

Earlier that day, Simon had racked his brain and his emails for helpful information. Simon didn’t think “talks like poetry and always says the right things to make me feel better” was helpful.

“Dude, you’re obsessed.” Nick’s eyes were wide.

“Just, don’t start pinning pictures to the wall and connected this with string like a crazy serial killer, okay?” Leah suggested.

There was a pause. “Well you might as well read us your chart.” Abby laughed.

“His parents are divorced.” Simon offered.

“Si, that’s probably half the school.” Abby reminded him.

“He likes Reese’s peanut butter cups.”

“Ninety percent of the school. If they’re smart.” Nick offered.

“He secretly watches _Glee._ ” Simon read off the board.

“Are you sure you want to date this guy?” Leah giggled.

“He’s also Jewish.”

Abby tilted her head. “Hmm. That’s actually kind of helpful.”

“You could go through the yearbook looking for all the boys with Jewish last names.” Nick shrugged his shoulders.

Simon grabbed Nick’s face and kissed his forehead. “You’re a genius.”

Nick grinned widely.

“Not right now, Si.” Leah stopped Simon from digging his yearbook from under the bed. “Let’s all just be together before you find out who this guy is and all your time is devoted to being sappy and romantic and annoying.”

Simon pointed towards Abby and Nick. “They’re sappy and romantic.”

“And it’s annoying.”

Nick chucked a pillow at Leah’s head.

Simon’s bedroom erupted into laughter. For just a few moments, Simon relished this time with his friends and thoughts of Blue were pushed back to a slightly less urgent corner of his mind.


	22. Vingt Deux

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another email chapter between the boys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friends! Thank you for being so patient with me. I didn't have much of a break this summer with school because I took summer classes. So these last two weeks were my "real" summer break and I decided to make it a time of real relaxation and taking care of myself. So, I'm sorry I was away fir so long but I appreciate all of you for being patient with me and for sticking around. I promise I'm not abandoning you!
> 
> That being said, I did want to say I read a lot of your comments being concerned an email Bram sent in the last chapter about being "over it" regarding school. I know a lot of people commented saying that they were super worried and wondering if there was some hidden meaning behind this. I did not intend that at all! I think I was channeling my own feelings towards classes. It wasn't intended to have any deeper meaning so I'm sorry if that worried you!
> 
> Also, I wrote this chapter a while back but I wrote myself a note to tell you guys that this chapter was written w/o me having read Leah on the Offbeat. I don't know why that was important but just heads up.
> 
> I LOVE YOU ALL.

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: March 12 th, 2:12pm**

**SUBJECT: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times**

Jacques,

This last year of my life has been very strange. One could even call it awful. Here is a selection of reasons why it has been terrible:

1\. Junior year is hard and AP classes are slowly killing me. They should be classified as cruel and unusual punishment.

2\. The fact that my stepmother is pregnant. I hate to call my unborn half sibling a tragedy but it’s just weird and I don’t know how I feel about the whole things.

3\. College applications are another form of cruel and unusual punishment. I don’t think I can write another word of a personal essay about why Barack Obama is my hero or how being a minority has affected my life. Also, can we talk about how ridiculous it is that I have to pay upwards of $50 just to apply to a college that will most likely send me a piece of paper saying “sorry, no.”

I don’t want to be completely negative, so I’ve also written a list of things that make everything okay:

1\. You

-Love, Blue

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: March 12 th, 4:32pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times**

Blue,

What a coincidence. I am filling out college applications today. You’re completely right. It’s horrible. My mom said if I didn’t spend an hour working on college applications today then I couldn’t watch _The Bachelor_ with my family tonight. I’m not sure if that’s a punishment or not.

Here’s the thing, Blue, I don’t even know what I want to do. I’m only 17 years old for fuck’s sake. I really shouldn’t be expected to have figured my life out already. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I don’t know where I want to go to school or where I want to live.

Why is life so confusing? Being an adult seems like the actual worst.

I’m glad I make you feel like everything will be okay. At least I’ll have accomplished one important thing with my life.

-Love, Jacques

 

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: March 12 th, 6:17pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times**

Jacques,

I don’t think you have to know what you want to do with your life right now. Most people don’t figure it out until much later. You shouldn’t stress or worry too much about it. You will figure out the direction of your life as you experience more things. I don’t really know what I want to do either. Maybe it’s something we can figure out together.

Maybe it would help to determine what you don’t want to do or where you don’t want to go to college?

I agree with you, Jacques, being an adult does seem like the worst thing. I think the only way being an adult wouldn’t be so bad is if I lived in the woods and never had to make important decisions and never had to interact with angry or rude people.

Jacques, I know that you will do many important things with your life. You changed my life. It’s only a matter of time before you change the world.

-Love, Blue

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: March 12 th, 7:21pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times**

Blue,

Thank you for making me feel better. Sometimes it feels like there is so much pressure to know exactly what my future will look like when I HAVE NO IDEA.

I like your thinking though, let’s just figure it out together.

Thinking of things I don’t want to do might help. I don’t want to be a psychologist (my mom is great but I do not want her job). I don’t want to live anywhere that it snows too much (my body isn’t made to withstand the cold). I would prefer a job that doesn’t involve coming in contact with bodily fluids on a daily basis.

I think I might like something in business. I don’t know. Ughhhhhhhhh.

I agree with you about the woods thing. Except have you considered the existence of bears and how that might affect your plan? Just wondering.

You’re too nice, Blue. I don’t expect to change the world. I don’t need to change the world. But it’s nice to know that I’ve changed your life like you’ve changed mine.

-Love, Jacques

 

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: March 12 th, 7:56pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times**

Jacques,

I don’t so much mind bodily fluids. I’ve thought about being a doctor but I don’t if I want to commit to that much schooling. I agree with you about the cold weather thing.

You’re also right about the bears. I forgot about bears. I think my ideal life would be something like me living in a big city, maybe on the west coast somewhere that I can be gay and out and proud. I would live in a small apartment with big windows and there would be a farmer’s market nearby. I would ride a bike or walk everywhere I go. In an ideal world, you’re there too.

-Love, Blue

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: March 12 th, 11:34pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times**

Blue,

It sounds perfect. You don’t even know how perfect that all feels. We’ll live close enough to the water that we can bike to the beach and I can hold your hand while we walk. We can adopt a dog from a shelter. We could live in the world’s tiniest apartment and I wouldn’t care. The toilet could be in the middle of the living room and I wouldn’t care if I was with you (maybe the toilet should be in the bathroom, though.)

-Love, Jacques

 

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: March 13 th, 1:09am**

**SUBJECT: Re: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times**

There could be a toilet in the middle of the living room and I wouldn’t care either.

-Love, Blue

* * *

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: March 19th th, 7:07pm**

**SUBJECT: Roughing It**

Blue,

My father decided it was a good idea to suggest going camping on a family vacation this summer. Camping. CAMPING.

I know you don’t know my family, but we aren’t exactly camping people. We don’t like bugs. We don’t like extreme weather. We don’t like to be dirty or sweaty or hungry.

I’m not saying we’re high maintenance or anything, but we do like our modern comforts. For example, I prefer wiping my ass with toilet paper rather than leaves. I prefer to eat fish that I did not personally have to decapitate. I prefer sleeping on a mattress rather than the hard ground.

I’m not anti-camping. I just think that my family does not have much experience in this department and perhaps we should slowly build up to an entire week of camping rather than jumping in head first.

If we do decide to go camping, I’ll make sure to contact you before I leave as it is very likely that I will get lost or die before returning to civilization.

-Love, Jacques

 

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: March 19 th, 8:11pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Roughing It**

Jacques,

I’m going to be honest with you.

Firstly, you’ve obviously never been camping. No one actually wipes their ass with leaves. Also, most people bring food with them rather than trying to survive off the land. I agree that maybe your family should work your way up to camping.

Secondly, and I say this with love, you are dramatic. You are so dramatic. However, it makes me laugh and I really like your drama. I can picture you tell me this whole story in person. I can imagine your animated talking and dramatic facial expressions. I think it’s one of my favorite things about you.

-Love, Blue

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: March 19 th, 10:28pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Roughing It**

Blue,

Am I really that dramatic? Damn.

Sometimes, I forget that you know who I am. It’s kind of weird. Not weird in a bad way it’s just strange that you could see me in a hallway or at lunch and I would have no idea that you’re so close to me. Sometimes, you feel very close to me. Sometimes, you feel very far away. I’m not trying to make you feel bad or guilty or anything. I’m just being honest. However long you need, Blue, I’ll wait.

On a lighter note, my family doesn’t have the best track record with vacations. We went to Washington D.C. when I was 12. Little Sis and I had a competition to see who could climb higher on the Lincoln Memorial. Needless to say, neither of us got very far and my mom was not amused.

When I was 10 we went to Disney World. Little Sis got sick on the first day. Dad got sick on the second day. Mom got sick on the fourth day. I got sick on the fifth day. No one was amused. We haven’t wanted to go back to Disney World.

When I was 13 we took a road trip to Chicago. That trip was uneventful. Until the drive home when I accidentally got left at a gas station outside of Louisville, KY. By the time my parents answered their cell phones, they were 30 minute away. I’m traumatized.

-Love, Jacques

 

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow118@gmail.com**

**DATE: March 20 th, 7:34am**

**SUBJECT: Re: Roughing It**

Jacques,

It sound like your family vacations are always interesting. I can’t believe your parents were 30 minutes away without realizing you weren’t in the back seat. I’m deeply sorry that you are traumatized but I think it’s hilarious.

Perhaps camping isn’t the best course of action for you family. Maybe something with less opportunity for serious injury would be better suited for you.

I’m sorry, Jacques. I’m sorry you have to feel so far away from me. I don’t even know what to say anymore other than I’m sorry. I’m so grateful you are waiting for me. Every day I feel a little bit bolder and a little more ready to come out. It’s all for you and because of you.

-Love, Blue

* * *

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: March 23 rd, 4:08pm**

**SUBJECT: The moment we’ve all been waiting for**

Blue,

I’m sure you know this but prom is a week and a half away. I feel like there are so many expectations surrounding prom and it’s a little overwhelming.

I highly doubt it will be the best night of my entire life. I honestly doubt it will be the best night of my entire week.

Just because I’m going to put on a suit and eat a fancy dinner with my friends and take a bunch of pictures and dance in a room with hundreds of sweaty teenagers doesn’t mean it’ll be amazing.

Prom isn’t even that romantic. I can think of a thousand other things I would choose first if I wanted to have a romantic evening with someone. Maybe I just think this because I won’t be going with anyone. Maybe I’m just a little bitter.

-Love, Jacques

 

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: March 23 rd, 9:03pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: The moment we’ve all been waiting for**

Jacques,

I think you are right. Prom really doesn’t seem like it’s everything it’s cracked up to be. Movies and television shows make it seem so magical when in reality, it’s teenage girls wearing polyester dress and boys in suits that don’t fit right jumping up and down in a minimally-decorated rented ballroom.

I won’t be going with anyone either, except for my friends.

Tell me about some of these romantic ideas.

-Love, Blue

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: March 24 th, 1:04am**

**SUBJECT: Re: The moment we’ve all been waiting for**

Blue,

Is it selfish of me to be glad that you aren’t going with anyone either? I don’t want you to be lonely I just want to be the only one with you.

Also, I’ll have you know that my suit fits impeccably.

As far as romantic ideas, I can’t give all of my secrets away. But if I had an evening to spend with you, here is what I’d do. First, you would come over to my house (everyone else is gone, of course) and we would cook dinner together. I don’t know what we would cook but I’m thinking spaghetti and we eat it _Lady and the Tramp_ style? At sunset, we would drive out to some park and we would walk around holding hands and not caring who sees. Once it’s dark we would spread out a blanket and stare up at the stars talking about our wildest dreams and our secret fears and the things no one knows about us. I’d learn all the constellations in the sky so I could impress you with my astronomy knowledge. We would be there for hours just talking and cuddling and watching the sky. I’d lay still just to soak up the memory of how I felt being there with you. I’d remember the day and the weather and the feel of your skin on mine. I’d be so aware of everything I’d think I could feel the earth spinning. Eventually we would have to leave. We would feel drunk on good feelings and each other. As we walk, I would hold you close. We’d be almost to the car and I would find a tree to push you up against. I’d kiss you warm and slow, memorizing every piece of you. Our hands would grab at hair and clothes and skin. That kiss would make your toes curl and put a mark on your heart.

Does that sound romantic enough?

-Love, Jacques

 

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: March 24 th, 1:32am**

**SUBJECT: Re: The moment we’ve all been waiting for**

Jacques,

That is the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard. I can’t even think of any other words to say in response to that other than yes.

Have you been thinking about this for a long time? Is this a general thing or something you’ve specifically planned with me in mind?

-Love, Blue

P.S. I reread that message probably eight times and my jeans are feeling a bit tight.

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: March 24 th, 7:23am**

**SUBJECT: Re: The moment we’ve all been waiting for**

Blue,

That’s all for you, Blue. Just you.

Damn, Blue. You can tell me something like that right before school.

-Love, Jacques

 

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: March 24 th, 3:38pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: The moment we’ve all been waiting for**

Jacques,

It’s not my fault you fell asleep and didn’t read that message until this morning.

I’m selfishly glad it’s only for me.

Unfortunately, we will have to settle for prom next weekend.

-Love, Blue

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: March 24 th, 5:20pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: The moment we’ve all been waiting for**

Blue,

I’ll spend all night at prom wishing I could be dancing with you.

-Love, Jacques

 

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: March 24 th, 7:49pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: The moment we’ve all been waiting for**

Jacques,

I’ll spend all night wishing I was brave enough to ask you to dance.

-Love, Blue


	23. Vingt Trois

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all. Big fan of this chapter. It was one of my favorite's to write.
> 
> TW: mild homophobia/homophobic language

Jack stood in front of his son, tying Simon’s tie around his neck.

“You look so handsome,” Emily gushed, “let me take a picture.”

Simon rolled his eyes but let his mom document the moment. He stood still while his dad finished with the tie and smoothed out the fabric on Simon’s shoulders and chest.

“Okay, I think you’re ready, bud.” Jack stepped back.

Simon moved to stand in front of the long mirror handing on his closet door. He barely recognized his reflection. The charcoal gray suit and black tie was a far cry from Simon’s everyday hoodie and jean attire. The gray fabric made Simon’s gray eyes stand out.

“I look good.” Simon smiled at his reflection.

“My baby is so handsome.” Emily kissed his cheek.

Simon made a face at his mom. “Okay, we can go now.”

Jack picked up Simon’s wallet and tossed it to him. “Let’s roll.”

Simon and his parents called their goodbyes to Nora as they walked out the door and climbed into the car. Simon’s group of friends was meeting at a park with all their parents to take pictures before going to dinner. Simon climbed into the back seat and gave his dad directions to the park.

* * *

“Bram, honey?”

“I’m coming,” Bram checked his reflection once more before jogging downstairs to meet his mom.

Diane gasped when she saw her son walk into the living room. “Oh, honey. My baby is all grown up.”

“Please don’t cry, mom.” Bram chuckled as his mom’s reaction.

Bram’s mom moved towards him and wrapped her arms around his neck. “I’m just so proud of the man you are.”

Bram returned the tight embrace. When they parted, Diane wiped at her eyes.

“Damn it. I told myself I wouldn’t cry,” she laughed shakily.

Bram pressed a kiss to his mom’s cheek.

“Abraham?”

Bram raised his eyebrows at his mom.

“Is your boy going to be there?”

Bram sighed, “he isn’t ‘mine.’”

“You know what I mean.”

“Yes. He will be there.”

Diane smiled softly, “are you going to ask him to dance?”

“Mom, I don’t think-, I don’t know. I don’t know how well that would go over.” Bram rubbed at the back of his neck.

“Okay. All I’m saying is you shouldn’t let other people’s opinions dictate you. If you want to dance with him and he wants to dance with you then screw what anyone else thinks.” Diane put her hands on her son’s shoulders.

Bram shook his head. “It isn’t that easy.”

“Okay.” Diane grabbed her car keys from the table by the front door. Bram snagged his keys as well. Bram and his friends had decided to carpool for the evening and Bram and Garrett had offered to be the ones to drive.

Bram followed his mom to the designated meeting location, a park that had a small creek and a bridge, perfect for taking pictures.

They pulled into parking spaces a few minutes later. Nick and Garrett were already there. Bram exited his car and walked up to his friends and their parents. He greeted the boys while all the parents made polite small talk.

“Do you think Abby’s going to look like a princess?” Nick’s eyes had a dreamy look in them.

“Dude, I think Abby could show up wearing a paper bag and you would say she looks like a princess.” Garrett punched Nick’s arm.

Abby and Leah arrived together just a few minutes later. Fortunately, neither girl was wearing a paper bag.

Not long after, the Spier’s car pulled into the parking lot. Bram searched the backseat for Simon. He made eye contact with Bram who gave him a small wave. Simon grinned and waved back.

Across the park, Simon opened the car door and swung out.

Bram’s breath stopped. Watching Simon, he felt like time stopped and everything was going in slow motion.

He watched Simon exit the car and straighten up. Simon grabbed his suit jacket and fastened a button then adjusted the cuffs of his white shirt underneath. Bram’s eyes were transfixed to Simon’s hand as it ran through messy hair.

Time came rushing back into normal speed. Bram inhaled deeply. Suddenly, Simon was standing in front of Bram.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” Bram’s voice came out sounding choked.

The voice in Simon’s head was reminding him not to stare at Bram. _He looks so damn good._ The slim fit of Bram’s all black suit, shirt, and tie hugged Bram’s athletic body in all the right places.

_Shit,_ Simon thought.

_Hell,_ said the voice in Bram’s head.

“Come on, guys.” Leah called the boys over. Simon followed Bram to the small bridge.

“Okay, everybody stand together,” ordered someone’s mom.

The six friends group together, standing close and smiling while their parent snapped dozens of pictures.

They took pictures of just the two girls, then the boys.

Simon was standing and smiling nicely when Garrett caught his eye and winked at Simon. In an instant, Garrett had his arms around Nick and was lifting him off the ground. Simon and Bram laughed and watched Nick squirm.

“You’re going to wrinkle my suit!” Nick was yelling. Garrett laughed as Nick’s mom kept taking pictures.

“Okay, let’s get some of the Nick and Abby,” suggested Abby’s mom.

“Ooh, yes.” Nick’s mom agreed. The two moms seemed to get along very well.

Simon moved off to the side so pictures could be taken of the couples. Bram came and stood beside Simon.

“They look cute together,” Simon commented.

Bram nodded. He turned to look at Simon. “Oh, your umm-” Bram gestured at Simon.

“What?”

“You’re tie.” Bram reached up and gently readjusted Simon’s tie around his neck.

Simon and Bram locked eyes. They both held their breath for a moment. Simon felt his palms start sweating.

Bram realized his hands were still on Simon’s tie. He quickly lowered his hands and shoved them in his pockets.

“Your tie was crooked.”

Simon swallowed hard. He was extremely aware of how close Bram’s body was to his own. A muffled sound pierced the fog in Simon’s brain.

“Are you all ready to go? I’m starving.” Garrett called.

The parents cried their goodbyes and be safes and have funs while the six friends broke off into cars.

Simon climbed into the backseat of Garrett’s car behind Leah.

“Where are we going to dinner anyways?” Simon hadn’t been paying much attention to the plans for the evening. He was just going along for the ride.

Leah laughed, “I honestly don’t even know.”

“I’m just following Abby’s directions,” Garrett shrugged.

The restaurant was located in Atlanta, near the ballroom the school had rented for prom. The restaurant had a clean, modern exterior. The stainless steel siding glowed warm in the low sunlight.

Inside, the restaurant was décor was equally modern to the exterior. Shiny glass and metallic accents were everywhere.

Simon leaned close to Leah, “what kind of food do they have here?”

“I can’t tell,” Leah whispered back.

Abby walked up to the hostess and mentioned their reservation.

The group was led to the back of the restaurant. They passed another group of kids decked out in prom attire on their way. Garrett high fived someone he knew.

At the table, Nick pulled out a chair for Abby and Garrett did the same for Leah. Simon, knowing he would embarrass Bram, pulled out a chair and gestured for Bram to sit down. Bram rolled his eyes but chuckled and sat down.

“What a gentleman,” Bram joked.

“I know how to show a man a good time,” Simon winked at Bram whose cheeks flushed in response.

Everyone else at the table laughed. Simon noticed Garrett giving Bram an undiscernible look.

The hostess promised to bring over menus and send the waitress over to take drink order in just a few minutes.

Bram leaned over to Simon. His voice was low in Simon’s ear. “What are the odds a place like this sells French fries?”

Simon ignored the chill the Bram’s voice sent down his spine. “Slim to none. I’ll order them if they are on the menu though.”

Bram smiled sweetly at Simon.

Simon didn’t notice that he was staring at Bram’s long, dark eyelashes until the waitress was passing a menu in front of Simon’s face.

Simon picked up his menu from the table. Simon’s eyes narrowed at the options. He didn’t recognize half the words on the menu. There were too many words like “braised” and “honeyed” and “poached” that Simon didn’t understand. His eyes skimmed the menu. His eyes found the words “crispy, pan-fried potato medley.” Simon gently elbowed Bram’s arm and pointed.

“You have to get them,” Bram shrugged.

“Just so you can eat half?” Simon raised an eyebrow.

“At least I’m being upfront about it,” Bram laughed.

Simon ordered the potatoes anyways. True to his word, Bram ate half.

* * *

By the time Simon, Bram, and their friends arrived at the ballroom, it was teeming with Creekwood High School juniors and seniors.

Soon after arriving, Abby and Nick went off to dance.

The other four took a lap around the area to check out the ballroom, punch tables, and the balconies jutting off the side of the building.

The DJ was playing keeping the music fast-paced and upbeat. Simon and Leah went to find Nick and Abby and dance with them.

Simon pushed through the throngs of sweating, teenage bodies. He jostled through the jumping and shouting and dancing. Leah grabbed onto Simon’s arm to keep track of him in the crowd.

Simon and Leah finally made their way to their friends, near the center of the dancefloor. Simon moved his body to the beat of the music that he could feel pounding in his chest.

Simon’s eyes raised to the outskirts of the room. Through the dim lighting, he could see Bram standing just past the edge of the crowd. Their eyes connected. Bram gave Simon a soft smile. Simon nodded his head toward the dancefloor, urging Bram to join him.

Bram slowly shook his head. “I don’t dance,” he mouthed.

Simon pointed to himself. “I don’t either,” he mouthed back.

Simon could see Bram’s laughter from across the room.

Simon squashed the feeling of guilt in his chest for flirting with Bram. Blue wouldn’t blame him, right? It was just the atmosphere of prom.

_Blue._ Simon suddenly realized he hadn’t thought of Blue all evening. Simon suddenly stopped dancing and glanced around the room. He wasn’t sure what he was looking for. He thought Blue would probably be more subtle that outright staring at Simon all night.

 

Garrett walked up to Bram and gave him a small shove to the shoulder. “You could just ask him to dance, you know?”

Bram looked like he might vomit at the mere idea. “I can’t.”

“He’d say yes. He likes you.”

“He doesn’t know he likes me,” Bram countered.

Garrett argued back. “Oh yes, he does. You two aren’t as discreet as you think you are. Simon likes you, Bram. He probably feels guilty liking you while he’s so attached to Blue.”

Bram turned to Garrett, looking shocked. “Are you trying to make me feel guilty too? I already do feel that way for hiding from him. God.”

“Bram, I’m sorry. I really wasn’t trying to make you feel guilty. All I’m saying is, when Simon does find out the truth, he’s going to be thrilled.”

Bram smiled uneasily.

“You’re a catch, Greenfeld. If I was into dudes I’d totally tap tha-”

“Okay. I got it,” Bram laughed, “thanks.”

Garrett walked away and Bram returned to his brooding over Simon Spier.

 

Everyone had convened at one of the tables set up along the perimeter of the room, with cups of punch to rehydrate.

The crowd had settled slightly, as the DJ played less upbeat songs throughout the night.

The DJ tapped the microphone to announce a slow song.

Simon leaned over to Abby and whispered low in her ear. The two stood up and walked hand in hand to the dance floor.

Bram looked to his left. “Leah, want to dance?”

“Sure,” Leah nodded. She stuck her hand in the crook of Bram’s elbow as he led her to the dance floor. Bram positioned them within a few feet of Abby and Simon.

As they danced, Bram’s eyes found Simon every time he spun to face him.

He didn’t notice Simon doing the same.

Their longing looks and dancing were interrupted when some senior whose name Bram didn’t know approached Simon and Abby.

“Spier.”

Simon looked over at the voice. “Yeah?”

“I thought you were gay.” The nameless boy said.

“What?” Simon let out a short laugh.

“I thought you were gay,” he repeated.

Simon’s eyes narrowed. “So?”

“So,” the boy took a step closer to Simon, “why are you with a babe like Abby Suso? Couldn’t you find another lady boy to dance with?”

Simon dropped his hands from Abby’s waist and squared up to the boy. “C’mon man. Let’s not do this here.”

“Dude, that’s super uncool.” Abby scolded.

Leah had noticed the boy too. “Can you just leave?”

The boy smirked, “hey I’m not doing anything wrong. I’m just wondering. It must really suck to be the only queer-”

Bram didn’t hear the rest. His stomach was is knots. _Say something. Do something. Punch the guy. Just do anything._ Bram wiped his sweaty palms on his pants. “Simon?” Bram’s firm voice interrupted the boy.

Simon, Leah, and Abby, and the nameless boy all turned to face Bram.

“Simon, do you want to dance. With me?”

Simon’s face pulled into an expression that said “what are you doing?”

Bram nodded at Simon almost imperceptibly.

“Umm, yeah.”

Bram moved toward Simon. He grabbed his hand and pulled them away from the boy.

“Oh this is just too much. You too, Greenfeld?” The boy laughed meanly.

“Could you kindly fuck off?” Leah pushed a hand against the boy’s chest. Her and Abby guided the boy away until he was a safe distance away from Simon and Bram.

Bram turned towards Simon, still holding his hand, and wrapped his other arm around Simon’s waist.

Simon slid an arm around Bram’s shoulders.

Bram could feel his heart thumping in his chest.

“Thanks,” Simon whispered, “why though?”

Bram looked at Simon’s smoky gray eyes. “You should be able to dance with whoever you want without the commentary. It doesn’t matter whether you are gay or straight or anything else. It sucks that everyone thinks they have a right to comment on everything you do.”

Bram and Simon both fall silent. At first, their dancing was stiff and awkward. Neither knows what to say.

“I almost said no,” Simon confessed, “I didn’t know what you were doing.”

“I figured this was preferable to punching someone at prom.”

“That would have made one hell of a story, though.” Simon gave Bram the lopsided smile he loved so much.

“This is a good one too,” Bram lifted the hand that was gripping Simon’s. He moved his arm to spin Simon.

Simon laughed. He spun around and swung his arm back around Bram’s shoulders, holding him much closer than before. He felt a little drunk on Bram’s nearness.

The music comes to an end. Bram and Simon don’t let go of each other right away.

Bram bit his lower lip. “Are you hungry?”

Simon shrugged, “kind of.”

Simon followed Bram off the dance floor and out to one of the balconies, which was mostly empty. Bram walked to the railing before reaching into the inner pocket of his suit jacket. When he pulled his hand back out he was holding a four pack of Oreos.

Simon barked out a laugh. “Have you had those in there all night?”

“I thought I might get hungry.” Bram split open the plastic wrapper and handed Simon two of the cookies. “Call this repayment for all the French fries.”

“Oh you owe me way more than two Oreos, buddy.” Simon said sarcastically.

“Then this can be my first payment of many.”

Simon and Bram both leaned forward, resting their elbows on the metal railing.

The music from inside softly drifted out to the balcony, filling the comfortable silence.

Bram watched Simon crunch on his cookies from the corner of his eye. _Just tell him. It’s just two words: I’m Blue._

Simon caught Bram’s eye. He had a sad look on his face. “Do you think it’ll ever get better?”

“What?”

“Being a teenager? Being gay? Life in general?”

“Yes on all counts,” Bram’s voice was sure.

Simon’s eyebrow raised, asking Bram to elaborate.

“You won’t be a teenager forever. As for being gay, I’d like to think that eventually people would stop judging or caring and embrace that we all love who we love. And Simon, I think eventually you will find that person you love so much that they make everything else seem bearable.”

Simon blinked a few times. He lowered his eyes. “Yeah, I hope so.”

Bram turned back out to the city lights glowing brightly below them.

Bram wasn’t sure how long they stood there before Nick came out to the balcony to tell them they were leaving.

The six walked out through the thinning crowds to the parking lot. Abby and Nick climbed into the back of Garrett’s car, leaving Simon and Bram to ride alone.

Bram started up the car, passing the auxiliary cord to Simon. They drove through late-night Atlanta listening to the quiet tune Simon had picked.

Bram and Simon were almost to Garrett’s house, where the group was spending the evening at their own small after-party, when Simon sighed deeply.

“What are you thinking about?” Bram asked quietly.

“I’m just wondering if any other gay kids will come out during high school.” Simon said innocently.

Bram’s hands tightened on the steering wheel. He knew that Simon’s words didn’t have an ulterior motive but that didn’t stop him from suddenly feeling more anxious and guilty than ever.

“I think so. You set a precedent. You did something that feels impossible to so many people. You stood up and told the world who you are, no matter how scary it felt. That’s damn impressive, Simon. Some kid is going to see that and be inspired and be brave because you were brave.”

“You might be right. You have a lot of wisdom about this for a straight guy.”

_Simon you oblivious little shit._ “Yeah,” Bram breathed.

* * *

**FROM:** **bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO:** **frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 9 th, 11:02pm**

**SUBJECT: Not too shabby**

Jacques,

Prom was better than I expected. Hope you had a good night.

-Love, Blue

 

**FROM:** **frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO:** **bluegreen119@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 9 th, 11:11pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Not too shabby**

Blue,

I agree. Better than expected.

-Love, Jacques

P.S. It’s 11:11. Make a wish.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I imagined the two boys listened to the song "I can't breathe" by Bea Miller at the end there.


	24. Vingt Quatre

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post-Prom Party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all. I've missed you. Sorry it's been so long, but here is another chapter for you lovely folks. 
> 
> Shout out to Shortie291 for helping me work this one out!

Back at Garrett's house, everyone changed out of their formal clothes into more comfortable t-shirts and jeans.

Simon lounged on the floor of the living room.  Pop music played softly in the background.

From where he was sitting, Simon could see Garrett, Nick, and Bram setting up plastic cups, various liquor bottles, and a keg in the kitchen. It was almost midnight, which was the time Garrett has designated as the start of his after party.

Abby settled herself onto the floor next to Simon. She leaned he back up against the sofa and her head on Simon’s shoulder.

“Did you have a good time tonight?”

“Yeah, it was more fun than I thought.”

“Did you have fun dancing with _Bram?_ ” Abby poked Simon’s ribs.

Simon smiled at the recent memory. “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

“Let me remind you. You, Bram, dancing. Looking adorable. You like him, don’t you, Si?”

Simon sighed. “Abby, he’s not gay.”

Abby didn’t respond.

* * *

An hour later, the party was in full swing. Simon couldn’t have counted the number of high school students in Garrett’s house if he tried.

The sound of drunken karaoke pumped through the house. The mass of closely-packed bodies swayed along to the thumping bass.

Simon was positioned on a couch between Leah and Bram. They weren’t talking. Instead, they sat in silence, watching everyone else get sweaty and drunk.

Garrett walked up behind the sofa and reached both of his hands, holding three cups of beer, in between Simon and Leah’s heads.

“Hydrate.” He commanded.

Leah turned to Garrett, her eyes laughing, “you know that’s not how alcohol works, right?”

Garrett shrugged, “do it anyways.”

Leah took the cups and handed them to the boys. Simon took a long drink.

Leah nodded her head towards someone dancing on the other side of the room. “Si, have you ever thought about asking Cal out?”

Both Bram and Simon choked on their beer.

“What?” Simon coughed.

“Well he’s bi. I think he likes you.” Leah reasoned.

It was unfortunate that at the moment Cal turned towards the couch and waved at Simon.

“I’m not interested in Cal.” Simon said casually.

Bram tilted his face away from Simon, trying to hide his pleased smile.

“He’s cute though. And he’s really nice. You should at least think about it. Or don’t think about it and go dance with him.” Leah gently shoved at Simon.

“Leah, please stop. I’m not interested.” Simon said firmly. He couldn’t help himself when he turned to look at Bram. Bram’s face was unreadable.

Garrett chose that moment to reappear. “Leah, come sing karaoke with me?”

Leah shrugged and rose from the couch. She gave Simon one last pointed look before pushing through the crowd.

Simon turned back to Bram. He was surprised to see Bram was looking at him too.

Simon saw Bram’s mouth moving, but he couldn’t hear the words. Simon ducked his head and leaned into Bram.

Bram shifted closer, his lips almost brushing against Simon’s ear. “There are too many people here.”

Simon nodded in agreement.

“Gare doesn’t let anyone upstairs usually. We could probably go hang out away from people. He wouldn’t care.”

_Get away from the crowds and have alone time with Bram?_ Simon mused, _sounds like a win-win situation._

Simon nodded.

“Wait here, I’ll be right back.”

Bram stood up and walked towards the kitchen. Bram snagged a bottle of rum, a couple of cokes, and two clean cups from the kitchen. He was walking back to Simon when a hand snaked out and grabbed his arm.

“What are you doing?” Garrett probed.

“Simon and I are going to hang out upstairs away from everybody else.”

Garrett’s face lit up, “atta boy!”

“Gare, we’re just hanging out. As friends.”

“Sure,” Garrett drew out the words. He wiggled his eyebrows at his friend. “Have fun.” Garrett turned away with a wink.

Bram found his way back to the sofa and nudged Simon’s shoulder. Simon rose and followed Bram up the stairs.

Simon squashed the thought that he would rather be following Bram up the stairs for other, more intimate, activities.

_He’s straight. He’s straight. And he’s not Blue. You love Blue._ Simon mentally chanted to himself.

Simon spent the 45 second trek upstairs attempting to get his heart rate and breathing under control. He was moderately successful until Bram used his hip to bump open the door and Simon was set off all over again.

Bram entered Garrett's room and comfortably plopped onto the bed like he did it all the time. He crossed his legs and set the two cups in his lap. He poured a small amount of liquid into each.

Bram held one of the cups out to Simon, a gesture meaning "come over here."

Simon perched himself on the edge of the mattress.

"Cheers." Bram bumped his cups against Simon's and took the shot. He was hoping the rum would help reach the sweet spot between being an anxious mess of nerves and being so drunk that he accidentally blurted that he was the boy Simon had been emailing for months.

Simon watched Bram's Adam's apple bob. He swallowed the liquor in his own cup. Feeling slightly more relaxed, Simon stretched onto the bed. He propped his head up with one hand. His other hand was close to Bram's leg. Close enough that he could easily reach out and touch if he wanted to. He did want to. He didn't want to. _He isn't Blue. Wishing him to be Blue won't make it true_ , Simon reminded himself.

Simon grabbed one of the cans of coke and cracked it open. He poured half into his cup and set the can on the nightstand. Bram topped off the cup with rum. Simon drank half of the contents of the cup in one go. He hoped Bram felt as awkward as he did.

"Do you want to do something?" Bram looked down at Simon through his dark eyelashes.

Simon rolled onto his back. "Like what?"

Bram shrugged, "I don't know."

"We could play a game?" Simon offered.

"Like Go Fish?"

Simon laughed a loud, tipsy laugh. "I don't even know how long it's been since I played Go Fish."

"Okay, so like a drinking game?"

"Sure."

"Let's play Never Have I Ever."

Simon wrinkled his eyebrows together. "There's only two of us."

Bram shrugged again, "so we'll get really drunk. I'll start. Never have I ever not been scared on a ferris wheel."

"You know you're taking a jab at yourself with that one." Simon took a drink. "Never have I ever stolen fries from someone nearly every day for six months."

Bram drank. "Never have I ever bought extra fries nearly every day so that someone could steal them."

Simon chuckled and drank. "It's not like you mind. Never have I ever kissed a girl." He looked at Bram expectantly. Bram didn't drink.

"Jokes on you, Simon, my love life is essentially nonexistent," Bram scoffed. "Never have I ever kissed a guy."

Simon barked out a laugh. "Jokes on _you,_ Bram, coming out hasn't exactly made my love life suddenly fulfilling."

Bram swallowed the guilt that rose in his chest like it was bile.

Simon bit his cheek and looked up at Bram. Bram was already looking at him. They held each other's eye contact. Simon wondered if it should be uncomfortable to look into someone's eyes for this long without talking. It wasn't.

The silence was interrupted when Simon's phone started to buzz. Simon checked the screen and swiped at it.

"Yeah?"

"Where did you go?" Abby's voice said through the phone.

"Upstairs. In Garrett's room." Simon's voice was casual.

" _Oh my God. With who?_ "

Simon chuckled. "Chill. Bram."

Bram looked up at the sound of his name. He couldn't make out the stifled words from the phone pressed to Simon's ear.

" _Oh my God_." Abby squealed.

"Shut up," Simon rolled his eyes, "come up here."

Bram could hear a muffled laugh.

"I don't want to interrupt." Abby laughed at her own joke.

"Bring Leah. And some cokes."

Bram raised the rum bottle and shook it in front of Simon's face.

"And more rum." Simon hung up the phone.

"Woo!" Bram cheered.

Abby and Leah came bursting through the door moments later.

"We have rum," Abby sang. She threw her body onto the bed next to Simon, shoving him closer to Bram. "Move over."

"Are there still a lot of people here?" Bram asked the girls.

"Half maybe.” Leah sat down. “What are you guys doing?”

“Playing never have I ever.” Bram refilled his cup.

“Just the two of you?” Abby raised an eyebrow. Her eyes twinkled at Simon.

Simon’s cheeks flushed pink, “We would have gotten really drunk.”

Abby giggled.

Garrett’s bedroom door slammed open again. “You all abandoned me!” Nick pouted in the doorway.

Four pairs of eyes flicked towards Nick.

Nick took a couple steps into the room. He pounced onto the bed, landing on Simon.

“Dude.” Simon shoved him off.

Nick held up the plastic cup he brought with him. “Fill me up.”

Bram opened a new can of soda and mixed it with liquor in Nick’s cup.

The five of them lounged and drank, listening to the party below them gradually grow quieter.

* * *

When the house stopped thumping with music and the constant din of high schoolers died down, Garrett made his way upstairs and found his friends sleepily piled on his bed.

“Oh hell no,” Garrett exclaimed, “this party not over yet.”

Abby was face down on the bedspread. “Please don’t make us move,” said her muffled voice.

Garrett flopped onto the already cramped bed. “We should do something. It’s only two.”

“Most people go to bed by two in the morning,” Leah kicked Garrett softly.

“Party poopers.”

“Simon and I were playing Never Have I Ever,” Bram suggested.

“Ooh even better, let’s play truth or dare or drink.”

The other five teenagers perked up at Garrett’s suggestion.

“Alright,” Abby sat up, “you’re up first then. Truth or dare?”

“Dare,” Garrett said like it was obvious.

Abby smirked, “let me look through the entire camera roll on your phone.”

Garrett’s eyes went wide. He was debating whether it was better to take a shot or let Abby look through his phone. “Okay,” he finally decided, “but only you. No sharing.”

“Deal.”

Garrett unlocked his phone and passed it over to Abby.

While she giggled at Garrett’s embarrassing photos, Garrett moved on. “Leah?”

“Truth.”

“What was the worst kiss you’ve ever had?”

Leah laughed loudly. “I once kissed Nick in 6th grade. It was pretty bad.”

“Hey! I was eleven! I’ve gotten much better since then.” Nick threw a pillow at Leah.

“Yeah, well, I don’t really care to find out.”

Simon was laughing, remembering the time, five year ago, Nick was freaking out that he had never kissed a girl so Leah kissed him to shut him up. Out of the corner of his eye, Simon saw Bram looking at him while he laughed.

“Nick, truth or dare?” Leah chucked the pillow back at him.

“Dare,” Nick was still lying down, he reached his arms around the pillow to snuggle it.

Leah smiled evilly, “let Garrett shave your legs.”

Garrett’s face lit up like a kid in a candy store. “Yes! Yes! Leah, you are my favorite!”

“Aww seriously?” Nick got off the bed. “Alright, c’mon, Gare.”

A few minutes later, Nick came back into the room, his legs noticeably smoother than before.

Abby reached out a hand to pet Nick’s legs. “So aerodynamic,” she joked.

 

The game went on like this, with Garrett and Nick and Leah coming up with increasingly ridiculous dares for each other.

“Bram, buddy,” Garrett nudged Bram’s shoulder.

“Truth.” Bram said lazily.

“Who in this room do you think is the most attractive?”

Bram’s muscles tensed up. _Obviously, Simon._ He couldn’t just say that out loud. Could he? _Maybe they would all think it was a joke? Simon wouldn’t take it as a joke._ Bram looked around the room. Everyone’s eyes stared back at him expectantly.

Bram reached for the nearly empty bottle of rum and took a long swig.

“What? That’s like the simplest question.” Abby complained.

“Maybe he thinks it’s you, Abby,” Leah suggested, “and he doesn’t want to bother Nick.”

Garrett stood up, almost tipping over from the alcohol in his bloodstream. “Maybe he thinks it’s me,” Garrett dissolved into a fit of giggles.

Nick laughed so hard he fell off the bed with a loud thump.

Abby leaned over the edge of the bed. “You okay?”

“Fine,” said Nick’s mumbling voice, “just pass me a pillow. I’m going to stay down here.”

“There’s a guest room,” Garrett pointed out.

Leah moved towards the door. “Calling it.”

Abby grabbed the extra blanket from Garrett’s bed and followed Leah, calling for her to wait up.

Garrett followed the trend and collapsed onto his bed between Simon and Bram.

“I guess the party is over.” Simon remarked.

“Come on,” Bram stood up and gestured for Simon to follow, “the couch downstairs is actually really comfortable.”

Simon followed Bram, stopping in the bathroom to splash some water on his face and change into the sweatpants he brought with him.

When Simon was done, Bram took his turn in the bathroom. While Bram was busy, Simon made up a bed on the living room floor next to the only couch. He layered as many blankets as he could find to create a cushion underneath his body. Simon checked the time on his cell phone. It was almost 4am. Simon’s head felt foggy and the ceiling was spinning above him.

Simon settled onto his makeshift bed on the floor. The room was dark but the bright moon cast a cool, white light into the living room.

Next to Simon, another body settled onto the couch Simon had draped with a couple of blankets and a pillow. Simon could barely make out Bram’s face looking down on him from the couch.

“Hey. I could have slept on the floor.”

“Hey. It’s fine. I really don’t mind.”

“I’m not tired.” Bram let one of his arms fall over the couch cushion. He rested his hand next to Simon’s head.

Simon exhaled softly. “I am. A little.”

“Yeah. Prom was fun. I wasn’t sure it would be.”

Simon chuckled softly, “I wasn’t sure either. It was fun though, except for the whole ‘gay men obviously would never dance with a female friend’ assumption.”

Bram shifted. “Oh yeah, I forgot about that, sorry.”

“Hey, you don’t have anything to be sorry for. You stood up for me. Thanks, by the way.”

“Of course, Simon. You’re my friend. I’ve got your back.” Bram moved his hand to squeeze Simon’s shoulder gently. He let his hand linger on Simon longer than was necessary.

Bram would have moved his hand away sooner, but he heard Simon’s breath settle into a deep, slow rhythm.

“Simon,” Bram whispered.

Simon didn’t respond. Bram decided to let himself be selfish and keep his hand on Simon’s shoulder. Bram stared at Simon’s peaceful face in the dark living room. He wondered if he was being weird. He decided he didn’t care.

It felt like a long time until Bram finally fell asleep too, his hand still holding onto Simon.

* * *

Simon checked the time as soon as he woke up. It was only half past eight. Simon doubted that anyone else would be awake yet, until he glanced up at the couch and noticed that Bram was no longer there.

Simon sat up slowly; his head was throbbing. Luckily, he wasn’t nauseated.

As Simon started walking towards the kitchen, his nose caught the smell of cinnamon and coffee. Simon poked his head around the corner. In the middle of the kitchen, surrounded by empty cups and alcohol bottles, was Bram. He stood in front of a frying pan, flipping pieces of egg-soaked bread.

“You’re cooking?”

Bram jumped at the sound of Simon’s voice.

“Sorry,” Simon apologized, “I’m just surprised.”

Bram smiled sweetly at Simon. “I was awake. There’s also coffee.” Bram moved towards the coffee pot and poured the hot liquid into a large mug for Simon.

Simon gripped the mug with both hands, inhaling the rich scent. “You’re my hero, Bram.”

Bram’s smile widened.

Simon slowly sipped his coffee. “Do you want any help?”

Bram turned around, holding a spatula. “Can you cook?”

“Yes,” Simon scoffed, “kind of. I help my sister sometimes.”

“Can you make eggs?”

“Scrambled or over easy?”

Bram handed Simon another large frying pan. “Oh so you can make two kinds of eggs? So impressive.”

“Ha ha,” Simon mock laughed. He moved to the fridge to pull out an egg carton. “How many should I make?”

“I’ve seen Garrett eat six eggs by himself in one sitting.”

Simon pulled open the refrigerator door again and grabbed another carton. He cracked the eggs into a large bowls and began to break up the yolks with  a whisk.

Simon went to the fridge again. He pulled out a small container of heavy cream.

“The secret,” Simon said to Bram, “it to mix in a splash of cream. Some people use milk but they’d be wrong. Cream makes the eggs fluffier.”

“Where did you learn that?” Bram wondered.

Simon smiled at Bram. “My sister. She’s a really great cook. She wants to be a chef.”

When the last pieces of French toasts were fried Bram piled them all onto a tray and stuck them in the oven to stay warm.

Simon did the same with the eggs.

"Are you hungry? We can eat now." Bram said to Simon.

Simon shrugged, "we can wait for everyone else to wake up."

Simin refilled his mug with coffee then poured a cup for Bram.

They decided to take their steaming coffee outside to the patio.

Bram and Simon settled into two of the patio chairs. They held their mugs close to their bodies in the chilly April air that hadn't yet been warmed by the morning sun. The boys sipped their coffee in a comfortable silence.

"Simon," Bram turned to the other boy, "you're really amazing. Do you know that?"

Simon felt a warmth spread through his chest. He gave Bram a lopsided smile. "Umm thanks, Bram. But what do you mean?"

Bram set his mug on the table between him and Simon. "I mean, it's amazing how you came out to your family, your friends, everyone. It's incredibly brave."

"I don't know about that," Simon murmured, "it was something I knew I had to do. I almost felt like I didn't have a choice. I couldn't not be myself any more."

"But being yourself, telling the whole world who you are isn't an easy thing to do. You never know how people will react. You don't know if the world will like you once you are honest about yourself."

"Yeah. I mean it is nerve wracking. It's hard. But I think for me at least, I knew that the people I care about would support me and that's all that mattered to me."

Bram's face had a sad, thoughtful expression. He nodded in agreement with Simon. "That's true."

Simon and Bram fell back into silence.

 

They were interrupted a while later by Abby sliding the back door open.

"Do I smell food?"

Bram rose from his chair. "Yeah, come on."

Simon followed Abby and Bram inside.  Garrett, Leah, and Nick were all nursing cups of coffee at the table. Bram pulled their breakfast from the oven and began doling it onto plates and passing them over to the table.

After breakfast, they all offered to help Garrett clean up the house. He declined, saying he was going back to sleep for a few hours before doing anything productive.

Everyone else piled into Bram's car. Abby, Leah, and Nick piled into the backseat. They were all nearly asleep again by the time Bram pulled up to Abby's apartment. Nick and Abby got out of the car. Nick practically carried Abby to the door. She gave a sleepy wave to the car as Bram drove away.

Bram dropped Simon off last. The car idled in the driveway as Simon gathered his things.

"Thanks, Simon."

Simon looked at Bram, surprised. "For what?"

Bram's shrug was noncommittal. "Just thanks."

Simon shot Bram a grin. "I'll see you Monday."

"Monday," Bram agreed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I understand that Garrett probably has more than one couch in his house but let me have this. Please and thank you.
> 
> Also, WE ARE GETTING REAL CLOSE, FOLKS.


	25. Vingt Cinq

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon is no longer oblivious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please be aware of the time stamps on the emails when reading.

**FROM:** **frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO:** **bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 10 th, 2:13pm**

**SUBJECT: Something to ponder**

Blue,

How many kids do you think will still be hungover Monday morning? I'll bet there are at least four kids in my homeroom with sunglasses on and one who goes to vomit halfway through.

-Love, Jacques

 

**FROM:** **bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO:** **frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 10 th, 2:56pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Something to ponder**

Jacques,

Are you speaking from personal experience?

I'll bet there are only two.

-Love, Blue

 

**FROM:** **frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO:** **bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 10 th, 4:04pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Something to ponder**

Blue,

Don't you have any faith in me, Blue? I'm wise beyond my years and I always make good choices.

I'll take that. What are the conditions of this bet?

-Love, Jacques

 

**FROM:** **bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO:** **frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 10 th, 4:29pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Something to ponder**

Good question, Jacques. How about the loser has to pay for our first date?

-Love, Blue

 

**FROM:** **frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO:** **bluegreen1@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 10 th, 4:46pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Something to ponder**

Blue,

I like it. When will that be again?

-Love, Jacques

 

**FROM:** **bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO:** **frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 10 th, 5:21pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Something to ponder**

That's not a part of the bet.

-Love, Blue

 

**FROM:** **frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO:** **bluegreen1@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 10 th, 5:39pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Something to ponder**

Damn it, Blue. I don't want to be patient. But I'll be patient for you.

-Love, Jacques

 

**FROM:** **bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO:** **frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 10 th, 5:52pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Something to ponder**

Patience is a virtue, Jacques.

* * *

Sunday night Simon was lounging in bed working on the little bit of homework he had been assigned for the weekend.

"Yeah," he called, when he heard a knock on his bedroom door.

"Hey, honey, I brought you some popcorn."

"Thanks, mom."

Emily set the large bowl next to Simon. "Do you have a lot of homework left?"

Simon set down his pen. "Not too much."

Emily sat down on the edge of the bed.

"Did you want to talk about something?" Simon asked. He sat up straighter.

"I just wanted to ask you about the  boy you were with when we were taking pictures for prom."

"What boy?" Simon's forehead wrinkled.

"Bram? Is that his name?"

Simon felt his stomach clench. "Mom, I wasn't 'with' him. He's a friend."

"Okay. I just thought maybe you were interested."

"He's straight."

"He's cute."

Simon shrugged.

Emily kept pressing. "Is there anyone in your life?"

Simon sighed. It was probably better to appease his mom now and she would maybe leave him alone. At least for a while. "There's this guy. Kind of."

Emily tilted her head. "Kind of?"

"He goes to Creekwood. He's gay, obviously. But he isn't ready for everyone to know he's gay."

"I see. Are you dating this boy?”

“No,” Simon rolled over onto his stomach, “I want to. When he’s ready.”

Simon’s mom didn’t say anything. Her face was thoughtful.

Simon swallowed hard. “You think it’s a bad idea.”

“No, honey, I don’t think it’s a bad idea. I just want you to be careful. I don’t want you to miss out on experiences or relationships because you’re waiting around for this person. I’m not saying it isn’t worth it. I’m not trying to say that this guy isn’t wonderful. Just be cautious, because you don’t know how long he will need to be ready to come out. I don’t want you to feel resentful or him to feel pressured.”

“Yeah, I get what you mean.”

Emily planted a kiss on Simon’s head. “Just think about it. I love you.”

“Love you, mom.”

* * *

“So,” Garrett swung an arm around Bram’s shoulders at they walked to class.

“So?” Bram prompted.

“So, you and Simon. At prom. And afterwards. And before prom now that I think about it.” Garrett winked at Bram.

Bram sighed deeply. He chewed his bottom lip. He didn’t know what to say so he nodded silently as they strolled down the hall.

“Did you tell him?”

Bram elbowed his friend. “I would have told you about it.”

Garrett laughed, “I thought maybe you told him and you got too _busy_ to tell me.”

Bram elbowed Garrett harder.

“I just think you should tell him, Greenfeld, he’s going to be happy.”

“It’s more than that. I don’t know how to tell him without being ready to tell everyone. I don’t want to make him hide anything because I’m not ready. Maybe he’ll figure it out on his own.”

Garret laughed again, “I love Spier, but he’s kind of oblivious.”

“Why is Simon oblivious?” Abby appeared behind them.

“Umm,” Garrett stammered.

“Oh _that._ ” Abby nodded understandingly.

Bram’s eyes widened at her. “What? You know?”

“Unlike Simon, I’m not oblivious.”

“Abby, you can’t-” Bram pleaded.

“I won’t,” Abby squeezed his arm, “but for the record, I’m totally on board with this.”

Garrett leaned into Bram and Abby, “I’m pretty sure Simon would be on board too.”

Abby smiled enthusiastically. “Oh yeah,”

“Great chat, guys, I’ll see you later.” Bram gave a wave and split off towards his English class.

Bram walked into the English hallway at the same time as Simon. “Hey, Si.”

“Hey.” Simon’s lopsided smile put a warm feeling in Bram’s chest.

When they walked up to their class, Mr. Wise was standing in the doorway. “I’m giving you another project work day today, boys. You can work in here, the library, wherever.”

Simon looked at Bram who nodded his head down the hallway. The two of them walked into the library and commandeered their usual table in the back.

The boys laid out their project materials. Instead of starting their work, Simon and Bram sat quietly at the table, neither one motivated to be productive.

Simon rested his chin in his hand. “I really don’t want to do anything today.”

Bram chuckled. “I don’t either. We really don’t have a lot left to do. It wouldn’t hurt us to be lazy just this once.”

“Oh my God. Did _Bram Greenfeld_ just say we could be lazy? Has hell frozen over?”

“Oh shut up, Simon.” Bram laughed and flicked his pen at Simon.

“What do you suggest we do instead?” Simon picked up the pen from the floor and tossed it back at Bram, who caught it deftly.

“I’m watching _Brooklyn Nine-Nine._ Have you watched it?”

“Dude, yes. What episode are you one?”

Bram plugged his earbuds into the headphone jack and handed one to Simon. “I don’t remember. I’m still on season one though.”

Simon shifted his chair closer to Bram while Bram queued up the episode.

Bram shifted his chair. His knee brushed up against Simon’s. Simon ignored the pounding of his heart and his shallow breath.

He didn’t notice Bram having the exact same reaction.

* * *

Simon was running late to lunch the next day. He forgot to grab his math textbook so he stopped at his locker before lunch. Simon made his way through the long lunch line, making sure to pick up two baskets of fries.

When Simon finally arrived at the table, Bram was in the middle of an enthusiastic explanation.

“No, Gare, trust me. It sounds kind of weird but it’s so good.”

Simon pushed Bram’s fries onto his tray. “What are you talking about?”

“Bram is just telling me about some movie.” Garrett said through a bite of cheeseburger.

“It isn’t just ‘some movie.” It’s my favorite movie,” Bram turned back to Garrett, “so this kid, Neil Perry really loves drama and poetry but he’s under all this pressure from his dad to be a doctor.”

Simon’s ears perked up at the mention of the character’s name. “Neil Perry?” Simon asked, remembering the name Bram gave to the stuffed polar bear from the carnival.

Bram smiled softly and nodded.

“What movie is it?” Simon prompted.

“ _Dead Poets Society.”_

Simon smiled. He swallowed hard. He pretended he didn’t feel like all the air had been knocked from his lungs. Simon stood up awkwardly, his knees knocking against the lunch table.

“I’ll be right back,” Simon mumbled. He rushed out of the lunchroom, making his way to the nearest bathroom. Simon locked himself in a bathroom stall. He leaned against the stall door.

_Holy. Fucking. Shit._

Simon wracked his brain. Somehow it all fit. His parents were divorced. His last name was Greenfeld, which meant he very possibly was of Jewish decent. He loved Reese’s peanut butter cups. He had repeated Simon’s exact same words about Taylor Swift’s songwriting abilities and knew that the winter carnival had the best popcorn of all time just after Jacques had told Blue the same thing. His favorite movie was _Dead Poets Society,_ so much so that he named a stuffed polar bear after a character. Blue’s favorite movie was _Dead Poets Society._

It all made sense. It crashed over Simon like a tidal wave.

_Bram is Blue. Blue is Bram. Holy shit._

Simon ran a hand through his hair and down over his face. He focused on breathing slowly and deeply. Simon had been in the bathroom for a few minutes. He knew he had to go back out to the lunchroom before anyone noticed he was gone for too long.

Simon shook out his arms. “Okay,” he said to himself.

Simon made his way back to the lunch table. He sat back down across from Bram.

“You okay?” He asked quietly.

Simon nodded. Looking into Bram’s eyes, he couldn’t help the wide smile that pulled across his face.

_Blue._ Simon prayed and hoped harder than he ever had that he was right, that Bram was Blue.

* * *

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 11 th, 5:09pm**

**SUBJECT: Fall Back Plan**

Jacques,

I’ve made a decision. Instead of going to college (because the whole process seems tedious, impersonal, and expensive) I’m going to be one of those people that lives in a van and drives around to different places.

It seems far less stressful.

-Love, Blue

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: Saved as draft April 11 th, 5:48pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Fall Back Plan**

Blue,

Sounds great. By the way I know who you are.

-Love, Simon

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: Saved as draft April 11 th, 6:23pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Fall Back Plan**

Blue,

I don’t think van life would fit you. Want to know how I know that? Because I figured out who you are, Bram.

-Love, Simon

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: Saved as draft April 11 th, 7:02pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Fall Back Plan**

Blue (Bram?),

I figured it out.

-Love, Simon

P.S. I know you. Go to college.

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: Saved as draft April 11 th, 7:45pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Fall Back Plan**

Blue,

Firstly, go to college. You’ll regret it if you don’t. I know this because I know you.

Secondly, I really do know you. I came to a realization today. I know who you are. I wasn’t sure how to say it in person. Blue, I am ridiculously, impossibly happy.

We need to talk.

-Love, Simon

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 11 th, 9:24pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Fall Back Plan**

Blue,

I don’t think “van-life” is for you. You should go to college. It might be hard, but it’ll be worth it.

-Love, Jacques

* * *

Friday afternoon, Simon rushed out of English class, hoping to escape Bram. Simon hadn’t exactly been avoiding Bram all week, but he hadn’t been spending as much time with him as usual.

Simon felt conflicted. All week he had debated talking to Bram or emailing Blue. He wasn’t sure what to do. He didn’t know if Bram still wanted his privacy. Did he want anything more than the email relationship they had? Did Bram want Simon?

Simon was almost out of the English hall when a warm hand wrapped around Simon’s bicep.

“Hey, wait up.”

Simon locked eyes with Bram. “Oh, sorry.”

“Are you okay? You’ve been different this week.”

Simon couldn’t help but give Bram a gentle smile. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

Bram smiled back, “okay. Are you going to come to our baseball game tonight? I think we’re all going to WaHo afterwards.”

“I’ll be there.”

Bram’s smile widened.

In that moment, Simon knew he was done waiting. Simon knew exactly what he wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fucking F I N A L L Y.
> 
> XOXO


	26. Vingt Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit Happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo. I actually struggled real hard w/ this chapter. I've got a chill week so I'm ATTEMPTING to finish this fic. No promises. Hope this doesn't disappoint, my dears.

“Hey, Si,” Abby waved as she ran down the stairs from her apartment building and launched herself into Simon’s car. “Where’s Leah?”

Simon waited while Abby buckled the seatbelt. “She had some family thing to do tonight.”

“Okay. Are we getting coffee before we go to the game?” Abby wiggled her eyebrows at Simon.

Simon chuckled, “We are now.” He checked his mirrors and pulled away from the curb. “Who are they playing tonight?”

“I don’t know,” Abby shrugged her shoulders, “I just go to support Nick. I don’t really care about baseball. Don’t tell Nick I said that though.” Abby’s eyes were laughing.

“I won’t.” Simon pulled into the drive through at Dancing Goats. “Can I get two iced coffees, one with milk, please?”

While they waited, Simon turned to Abby. “Do you even know to rules of baseball?”

“Well enough,” Abby scoffed.

The barista passed two cups through the window to Simon. He passed them to Abby.

They pulled in to the school parking lot a few minutes later. Simon drove around to the back lot, closest to the baseball field.

The bleachers were half-full when Abby and Simon found a couple of seats. They sat down on the chilled metal benches.

The seats around them filled as the first inning started. As the Creekwood players jogged towards the dugout, Bram caught Simon’s eye. He gave Simon an almost imperceptible nod. Simon bit the inside of his cheeks, trying not to smile like a complete idiot.

“Woo! Go Eisner!” Abby cheered beside Simon as Nick walked up to bat.

The other team’s pitcher quickly struck out three of the players. Simon did his best to be disappointed that his team hadn’t scored rather than glad that Bram was returning to the centerfield where Simon could easily stare at him.

“Who are you looking at so intensely?” Abby bumped her shoulder into Simon’s.

“What? Nothing?” Simon stammered. He sometimes hated how perceptive Abby was.

Abby raised a single eyebrow at him. “Is it Bram?”

Simon blushed, “it’s not my fault his ass looks-” he trailed off.

Abby giggled. “You aren’t wrong, Spier.”

Simon turned back to the baseball diamond. He spent the rest of the game distracted by staring at Bram, his smooth movements, and his strong, lean arms.

_He’s Blue. He’s been Blue this whole time. All these months I’ve wanted him to be Blue and he is._ Simon sighed. He couldn’t believe his luck that all these months it was Bram Greenfeld, athletic star, English genius, and arguably the cutest junior at Creekwood, that Simon had become so close to. The only thing Simon didn’t feel lucky about was that he had absolutely no idea how to talk to Bram.

* * *

“Simon. _Simon.”_ Abby whacked Simon’s shoulder. “The game is over. We’re supposed to meet Nick by the gym doors.”

Simon stood up off the metal bleachers and followed Abby. They walked around to the side of the building to the gray double doors that led to the gym.

Simon and Abby leaned up against the brick exterior of the school, waiting for Nick, Bram, and Garrett.

When the door opened, Garrett came out first. “Hey, guys,” he sounded glum.

“Hey, man,” Simon gave him a high five, “sorry about the game.”

“Nah it’s alright. Baseball has never been our best sport anyway.”

Simon still knew Garrett was bummed that Creekwood had lost by three runs.

The double doors opened again. Nick and Bram exited the building together. Simon kept his eyes glued to Nick, trying to keep his heart rate in check.

“Hey, babe,” Nick wrapped an arm around Abby’s waist and gave her a quick peck. “Ready for waffles?”

Simon’s concentration faltered for only a second, but his eyes immediately drifted to Bram. His hair and skin was still damp from the showers. He had on a pair of joggers and his hands were stuffed in the pockets.

_Hot damn._ Simon felt his heart pounding against his sternum.

“Sweatshirt,” Simon spit out. Everyone turned to look at him. “I forgot my sweatshirt by the bleachers. I’ll meet you all there.” Simon turned away and walked back towards the baseball field before anyone could say anything. He heard Abby laugh as she jumped onto Nick’s back for a piggyback ride.

Simon found his sweatshirt quickly. It was sitting right where Simon had left it by his feet. Simon took a few moments to relax. He sat down on the metal seat, focusing on breathing slowly. He needed to calm down if he was going to be around Bram at all.

Simon heard footsteps coming up beside him.

“I thought you might want someone to wait for you,” Bram sat down next to Simon, far too close for Simon to feel comfortable.

Simon nodded, unable to speak. He wrung his sweatshirt in his hands.

The two boys sat in silence. Tension hung in the air between them.

Simon felt like he was standing on the edge of a cliff. If he jumped off, he might fall. But he might fly.

“Blue?” Simon’s voice was so quiet, he feared Bram didn’t hear him. Simon didn’t look at Bram right away. He was frozen.

After what felt like hours, Simon shifted his gaze. He locked eyes with Bram. Bram’s face was surprised but when Simon looked at him, his expression softened. Bram exhaled softly.

“Jacques.”

Simon stared for a moment. And then, his lips were on Bram’s.

Simon’s sweatshirt had again fallen to his feet, forgotten as Simon brought both of his hands to grip Bram’s jaw. Bram reached out and fisted his hand in Simon’s t-shirt. They moved their lips against each other with urgency, like they were making up for all the time they had lost. Bram smiled into the kiss.

Simon pulled back his head. “It’s you.”

“It’s me.” Bram leaned in again. He captured Simon’s mouth in another kiss, pressing their soft lips together.

Out of breath, Bram pulled back. He rested his forehead against Simon’s. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

“It’s okay,” Simon shook his head. He was far too happy to think about that anymore.

“It’s not.”

“I really don’t care. Not anymore.”

“I was worried you would be upset that it was me.”

Simon pressed another kiss to Bram’s lips. He ran his fingers across the soft skin along Bram’s jaw.

“I’m an idiot,” Bram chuckled.

Simon smiled. “The most attractive, the smartest, the most lovable idiot.” Simon punctuated each of his words with kisses to Bram’s jaw, neck, and mouth.

Bram wrapped his arms around Simon, pulling him in again. He kissed Simon slowly this time, with less urgency. It was soft and warm and sweet.

“We probably should go. Before they all wonder where we are.”

Simon nodded in agreement. Neither boy moved. They just stared into each other’s eyes, not moving.

After a couple of beats, Bram spoke again. “But really, we should go.”

“Oh, right, yeah.” Simon stood up. His limbs felt awkward, like suddenly they were too long for his body.

Bram followed Simon off the bleachers. Simon threw out an arm in front of Bram, stopping him.

“Sweatshirt. I forgot it again.” Simon jogged back to grab it.

Bram and Simon leaned against each other as they wandered leisurely to Simon’s car.

Simon buckled his seatbelt. He gave himself a few seconds to breathe before turning the key in the ignition.

Bram and Simon drove in silence.

“How did you figure it out?” Bram turned to Simon.

Simon laughed. “Neil Perry. Well everything else too, but that’s what did it.”

“Are we going to say-” Bram started.

“We don’t have to tell-” Simon answered.

“Okay. Good. Thanks.”

Simon threw the car into park in the Waffle House parking lot. He asked Bram to wait a second. “I have to stop smiling, or it’ll look suspicious.”

Bram nodded at Simon.

“Stop looking at me,” Simon scolded, “you aren’t helping.”

Bram just laughed.

Simon and Bram stepped out of the car at the same time. Simon bit into his cheeks to keep from smiling. It was working until he and Bram made eye contact over the roof of the car.

The boys walked into the restaurant. Bram looked effortless. He was walking with his same usual swagger.

_How the hell does he do that?_ Simon felt very obvious.

In the restaurant, Abby and Nick had taken over a booth.

“Where’s Garrett?” Bram asked.

“Bathroom.” Nick answered.

Simon slid into the booth across from Abby. Bram slid in next to him.

“Have you guys ordered yet?” Simon picked up the laminated menu on the table in front of him.

Abby shook her head. “No, we waited for you guys.”

Garrett returned from the bathroom and sat down beside Nick just as the server approached the table.

“Are you ready to order?”

They went around the table, telling the server their orders. Simon turned to the server, prepared to recite his usual order.

“I’ll have-”

As Simon was speaking, Bram shifted his leg closer to Simon. He touched his knee to Simon’s, aligning their legs under the table.

“Umm,” Simon completely forgot what he was going to say. The server looked at him expectantly. “Umm I’ll have-” Simon pointed to the picture of what he wanted, hoping the waiter wouldn’t notice his sudden inability to form a full sentence.

The server walked away from the table. Out of the corner of his eye, Simon saw a smirk on Bram’s face. Bram knew exactly what he was doing to Simon.

_Two can play this game._ Simon thought. He lifted his foot from the floor and began gently tracing the toe of his sneaker against the soft skin of Bram’s ankle. Simon lifted his foot higher, pushing the hem of Bram’s joggers up his calf.

Simon kept his eyes on Abby. He was trying, and failing, to concentrate on the story she was telling. Simon flicked his eyes to Bram. He could tell Bram was biting back a smile.

Bram leaned his elbow on the table and rested his chin in his hand. He dropped his other hand into his lap. Carefully, so that their friends on the other side of the table wouldn’t notice. Bram snaked his hand across to rest on Simon’s knee.

Bram could sense Simon immediately tense up. Bram moved his fingers in small strokes along the bony edges of Simon’ knee.

The corners of Simon’s mouth twitched. When he started laughing, he covered it up with a loud cough. Simon reached down to grip Bram’s hand. He squeezed Bram’s fingers together. Bram understood the message: stop or we’re going to get caught.

Bram stopped trying to make Simon laugh, but he kept his hand resting heavily on Simon’s knee under the table.

* * *

Simon shoved his last bite of hash browns into his mouth and took a sip of water.  Abby was resting her head on Nick’s shoulder while he whispered something that only she could hear.

Assuming Nick and Abby would be hanging out after the other three went home, Simon turned to Garrett and Bram. “Do you guys want a ride home?”

“As much as I _love_ third-wheeling with these two lovebirds over here,” Garrett glared at Nick and Abby, “I’d take a ride. Thanks, man.”

Bram just nodded and smiled softly at Simon. Bram’s hand was still resting on Simon’s leg, but when Bram smiled at Simon, he still felt a lurch in his stomach.

“No problem. You ready?” The three boys stood up from the table and waved their goodbyes at Abby and Nick.

In the parking lot, Bram raced Garrett to the front passenger seat in the car. Bram slid into the front seat, victorious.

Simon shook his head at their antics. He plugged his phone into the auxiliary cord. Simon used it as an opportunity to catch Bram’s eye. _I wish I could be kissing you again._ Simon hoped Bram understood what he was thinking.

In the backseat, Garrett chattered enough to fill the silence between Simon and Bram. Simon wasn’t even sure what Garrett was talking about, but he clearly was fine without anyone else adding to the conversation.

Simon drove up to Garrett’s house.

“Hey, thanks for the ride.”

“Yeah, of course.”

Garrett reached forward and gave a squeeze to Bram and Simon’s shoulders. “See you later.”

Simon waited until Garrett was inside and closed the door before backing out of the driveway.

Simon drove down the street with one hand on the wheel and his other in his lap. Bram stretched his hand out to grab Simon’s free hand. “Is this okay?”

Simon shot Bram a quick glance. He smiled his lopsided smile. “It’s more than okay.”

Bram held onto Simon’s hand the entire way to his house.

In Bram’s driveway, Simon threw the car into park and turned the car off. “Is your mom home?”

“No.” Bram whispered.

Simon raised his eyebrows at Bram. He leaned forward slowly. Bram met him halfway, pressing their lips together. Simon pressed his hands to Bram’s back, trying to pull him closer over the console between them. Bram reached from the headrest behind Simon’s head. He stabilized himself while he used his other hand to tangle his fingers in Simon’s hair.

Simon pulled back, breathless. “I have to go. Curfew.”

“Okay,” Bram agreed. But he leaned forward again, capturing Simon’s lips. “Okay.” Bram repeated. He opened the car door. “I’ll see you.”

Simon watched him jog up to the front door. Bram fumbled with his keys, struggling to get the key into the lock. He turned back and gave Simon a wave before disappearing inside.

* * *

At home, Simon’s laptop pinged with a notification just as he was walking into his bedroom. Simon flipped open his laptop.

 

**FROM:** **bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO:** **frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 15 th, 10:56pm**

**SUBJECT: I Forgot Something**

Jacques,

First of all, I figured I could use your real name now. But I like the idea of still being Jacques and Blue.

Second, I was slightly distracted this evening for multiple reasons including your eyes, your hands, and your lips. It completely slipped my mind that I had something I was going to ask you.

Will you go out with me? Tomorrow night.

-Love, Blue

 

**FROM:** **frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO:** **bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 15 th, 11:00pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: I Forgot Something**

Blue,

I know what you mean about being distracted. An extremely attractive boy kept touching me all night. And kissing me. I didn’t really mind though.

Yes, I will go out with you tomorrow night. What time? What did you have in mind?

-Love, Jacques

P.S. You’re a very good kisser for someone who hasn’t done it before. Are you sure you haven’t had practice?

 

**FROM:** **bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO:** **frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 15 th, 11:03pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: I Forgot Something**

Jacques,

I didn’t mind the kissing either. I just wish I could be doing more of it. I promise I’ve never “had practice” though. Unless spending hours daydreaming about kissing you counts.

Come pick me up at 6. I have it all planned out.

-Love, Blue

 

**FROM:** **frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO:** **bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 15 th, 11:07pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: I Forgot Something**

Daydreaming doesn’t count. Otherwise, I’d be an expert. Good thing we can get some real practice in now.

You planned out an entire first date in the 20 minutes you’ve been home?

-Love, Jacques

 

**FROM:** **bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO:** **frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 15 th, 11:10pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: I Forgot Something**

Jacques,

Finally. Finally I can kiss you instead of just thinking about it every time I see you.

No, Jacques, I didn’t just plan this. I’ve had it all planned in my head for months, waiting for the day I was finally brave enough to ask you out.

-Love, Blue

 

**FROM:** **frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO:** **bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 15 th, 11:16pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: I Forgot Something**

Blue,

Whatever it is, it’ll be perfect. It’ll be perfect if I get to be with you.

-Love, Jacques


	27. Vingt Sept

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys go on a date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU all for being so patient and gentle with me. If you are still here reading this, I am so grateful for you.

At 5:00pm the next evening, Simon was rushing around his room trying on every single piece of clothing in his closet. Simon knew it was just nerves. Bram wouldn’t _really_ care what Simon was wearing, but that didn’t stop Simon from wanting to impress him.

Simon almost called Leah or Abby for advice. But Simon couldn’t risk them prying and figuring out what he was doing that evening.

Eventually, Simon settled on a pair of dark jeans and a grey button down shirt.

_Good enough,_ he thought. Simon shook his arms like he was trying to shake the anxiety out through his fingertips. He dove onto the bed when he heard his cell phone vibrate.

 

_(5:31pm) Bram: I have a request._

_(5:32pm) Simon: Okay?_

_(5:36pm) Bram: Remember how you wore eyeliner for the play? Could you do that tonight?_

_(5:37pm) Bram: You know what, never mind. That’s weird to ask. Forget it._

_(5:38pm) Simon: Hey. It’s not weird. It’s cool._

Simon went into the bathroom. He picked up the eyeliner pencil Abby had gifted him a few months earlier. Simon imitated the eyeliner Abby had applied to him the evening of the play. He smudged it out so his eyes looked dark and smoky.

Simon went back to his room to check the time. He had five minutes before he had to leave to pick up Bram.

Simon grabbed his wallet and his car keys and trotted downstairs. Jack and Emily were gone for the evening, which was to Simon’s advantage. He hadn’t lied about where he was going or who he was hanging out with. He just neglected to include the small part that it was a date.

_I’m going on a fucking date. With Bram fucking Greenfeld. Fuck._ Simon didn’t let himself dwell on this fact. He was afraid the anxiety would take over.

“Bye, Nora,” Simon called up the stairs, “I’ll be back later.”

Simon locked the front door behind him.

 

Minutes later, Simon was pulling his car into Bram’s driveway. He pulled the key from the ignition and walked slowly up to the front door.

Simon knocked. The door opened almost immediately, as if Bram had been waiting for him.

“Hey.” Bram smiled wide.

“Hi.”

Bram stared at Simon. “Eyeliner. You have eyeliner.”

“You asked,” Simon smiled his half-smile.

The two boys stood in the doorway for a moment, just looking at each other.

“Should we-” Bram pointed towards the car.

Simon realized neither of them were making an effort to move. “Oh yeah. We should. But first,” Simon grabbed Bram’s wrist. He stepped into the privacy of the house. Simon enveloped his arms around Bram. “Hi.”

“You said that already,” Bram chuckled.

“I’m going to kiss you. If that’s okay.”

Bram nodded. “That’s fine by me.” Bram wrapped his arms around Simon’s neck, pulling him in closer. Simon tasted like iced coffee and spearmint gum.

Out of breath, Simon and Bram separated. Simon held the front door open for Bram.

Simon and Bram went to the car. They smiled at each other over the roof of the car.

“Okay,” Simon pulled the car door shut, “where are we going?” Simon looked expectantly at Bram.

Bram punched the address into Simon’s phone. “This is stop one.”

“One of how many?”

Bram grinned. “Three.”

Simon shook his head. It was very Bram-like to put this much effort into planning their first date. Before backing out of the driveway, Simon opened the music app on his phone. Vance Joy’s voice began flowing through the speakers.

Bram’s directions took Simon into Atlanta to a small, retro-style diner.

Simon parked the car. “Can you wait a second?” Simon stopped Bram from opening the car door. Simon got out of the vehicle. He jogged around to the passenger side of the car. Simon opened the door for Bram.

Bram looked up at Simon. “What a gentleman.”

Walking into the restaurant, Simon casually brushed his knuckles against the back of Bram’s hand. He knew Bram wasn’t big on public displays of affection, but being on a date with Bram made Simon feel intoxicated. He couldn’t help but touch Bram.

Simon held the door to the diner open as well.

They were greeted by a smiling server who told them to seat themselves anywhere.

Bram and Simon chose a booth next to a window. Across from each other, Bram and Simon both folded their hands on the table.

The server slid two plastic menus in front of the boys. “Let me know when you’re ready.”

After Simon and Bram ordered, Simon leaned forward. “So, are you going to tell me what else you have planned for this evening?”

Bram smiled and bit his lower lip. “Absolutely not. Where’s the fun in that?”

Simon shook his head, laughing.

The server came over and dropped off plates of greasy burgers and fries. Simon and Bram dug into their meals. It didn’t take long for the boys to polish off most of their food.

Simon picked at the few French fries remaining on his plate and shoved the plate towards Bram. Bram beamed, taking a couple of fries from the plate. Bram rested his hands on the surface of the table.

Simon let himself reach across the table, touching his fingertips to Bram’s. When Bram smiled, Simon just barely tangled their fingers together.

“Isn’t it weird,” Simon said quietly, “to finally be here after months of anticipation?”

Bram nodded in agreement, “so far, you’ve lived up to my expectations.”

Simon chuckled, “oh wow. How generous of you to settle for me.”

“I didn’t have a lot of other options,” Bram shrugged nonchalantly.

Simon gaped across the table. “I’m crushed,” his voice filled with sarcasm.

“I’m kidding.”

“I know. I mean, I hope you are.”

A noise from the near the counter of the bar interrupted Bram’s witty reply. Both boys turned towards the noise. There was an elderly couple sitting at the bar. The woman was turned around, her eyes shifted between Bram, Simon, and their hands. She made the scoffing noise again. Her face was pinched into a nasty expression.

Simon glared at the woman, as if daring her to speak to them. The lady turned away and Simon turned back to Bram.

Bram let go of Simon’s hand and folded his own in his lap. Bram’s expression was a mixture of regret and sweetness and melancholy.

Simon shrugged. Under the table, Simon shifted his foot forward. He rubbed his shoe against Bram’s calf, hoping to comfort him. Bram gave him a soft smile in return.

When the server returned to the table, Bram quickly paid and the boys left the diner.

Outside the restaurant, Bram looked around the street, trying to orient himself.

Simon waited patiently. When Bram started walking, Simon followed.

"Come on."

"Where are we going?"

"Somewhere," Bram said vaguely.

Simon just followed Bram as he kept walking. Suddenly Simon stopped. He was looking at the side of a building they had just passed.

"Look. Worth a stop, don't you think?" Simon pointed to the large rainbow mural decorating the side of the building. Simon dragged Bram by the arm towards the wall. Simon positioned himself in front of the street art and pulled his cell phone from his pocket.

Opening the camera, Simon turned to Bram. "You look cute."

Bram's cheeks flushed pink. He wrapped his arms around Simon, holding him close while Simon snapped a few pictures of the two boys.

Simon tapped the phone's screen and showed the photos to Bram.

"I look weird in that one."

Simon rolled his eyes. "No you don't."

Bram reached for the phone. "I'm laughing weird."

Simon held the phone out of Bram's reach. "No you aren't. It's my favorite and I'm not letting you delete it."

"I'm taller than you and I have longer arms. I can take your phone if I want to."

Simon turned away laughing and holding his cell close to his body.

Bram reached around Simon trying to grab at his phone. Simon struggled in Bram's embrace, laughing even harder when Bram lifted his feet off the ground.

"Put me down," Simon said breathlessly. Bram complied. He smiled warmly at Simon.

"Hey," a voice called out.

Simon and Bram turned to see a young couple looking at them.

"Do you want us to take a picture of you two?" The guy asked.

Simon nodded. He jogged over and handed his phone to the girl's outstretched hand.

Simon went back over to Bram. They held each other loosely while the girl tapped at Simon's phone.

"You guys are super cute," she gushed.

Bram and Simon chuckled.

The girl handed the phone back to Simon. "How long have you guys been together?"

Bram rubbed the back of his neck.

"Well this is actually our first date."

"You guys seem like you have known each other forever." The guy commented.

"We kind of have," Simon shrugged, "it's a long story."

The couple nodded and wished Bram and Simon a good night.

Simon and Bram inspected the pictures as they continued walking.

A few blocks further, Bram stopped Simon at their destination.

"Mini golf?"

"Mini golf. Have you played?"

Simon smirked. "If I say no is this an excuse for you to put your arms around me?"

"Maybe," Bram winked. Bram held open the door for Simon.

In the dimly lit building, Bram paid for a round and took the golf balls from the teenager behind the counter.

Simon chose two golf clubs and the boys went back outside to the course.

“I really haven’t played mini golf since I was like ten,” Simon admitted

Bram smiled and put an arm around Simon’s shoulders. “I’ll help you,” he gave Simon’s shoulder a squeeze.

Simon lined the up the golf ball and tapped at it. The ball rolled smoothly through the obstacles and stopped just inches from the hole.

“Oh so you aren’t any good, huh?” Bram eyes filled with humor.

Simon chuckled. “Beginners luck.”

 

Simon and Bram continued to play through the mostly deserted course.

At the last hole, there was an eight-foot windmill positioned on the turf. Simon swung his golf club. He walked to the back of the windmill while he waited for Bram.

Bram followed the same path as Simon. When he curved around the windmill, Simon was waiting for him with a sly smile on his face.

Bram narrowed his eyes. “What are you doing?”

“Waiting for you.” Simon took a step forward. He looped an arm around Bram’s waist, pulling him in close.

“Simon, someone might see,” Bram chided.

Simon lowered his face into Bram’s neck. “I’m pretty sure those three teenage girls left a while ago,” he whispered against Bram’s skin, “plus, we’re behind the windmill for a reason.”

Bram groaned as Simon began pressing kisses along his neck. “Mini golf courses aren’t exactly romantic.”

“Whoa,” Simon pulled back, “you brought _me_ here, remember. So it’s not my fault if it isn’t romantic.”

Bram chuckled. “You’re right. But I do have one more place for us to go.”

“Is it romantic?”

“More romantic than this.”

Simon gave one last kiss to Bram’s cheekbone and released Bram from his grasp.

The boy returned their golf clubs and balls to the building and slowly walked back to the car.

Simon kept his arm up against Bram’s while they walked back down the street. Simon couldn’t help himself. Now that he had a taste of what it was like to touch Bram, he couldn’t stop. Simon was addicted.

Simon followed Bram’s instructions, which led them to a small ice cream shop. The windows were illuminated by a bright neon sign.

On the sidewalk in front of the shop, Bram stopped Simon. “Okay, before we go in, I’m going to tell you that this place has the best Oreo ice cream I’ve ever tasted. Ever.”

“What are we waiting out here for?” Simon yanked the door open, ushering Bram inside.

Simon sauntered to the counter and ordered himself a waffle cone with Oreo ice cream, on Bram’s recommendation. Behind Simon, Bram ordered the same.

Bram was chatting with the cashier and pulling his wallet from his back pocket. Simon reached around Bram and handed cash to the cashier before Bram had the chance.

Bram whipped his head around to glare at Simon.

“What?” Simon winked, “you had to let me pay for something.”

Simon followed Bram back out to the street. The boys strolled up and down the block, eating their ice cream and enjoying each other’s company.

Simon shoved the last bit of his waffled cone into his mouth and tossed the paper wrapping into a nearby trashcan.

“You’ve got some-” Bram pointed to the corner of Simon’s mouth.

Simon swiped, and missed, at the melted ice cream near his lips.

Bram smiled sweetly. He reached his thumb out and wiped away the ice cream. Simon held eye contact as Bram dragged his thumb along Simon’s lower lip. Bram could feel Simon’s hot breath on his skin. Simon watched Bram carefully. Bram’s fingers curled around Simon’s jaw and tugged. Simon fell forward into Bram, pushing their lips together.

Simon’s arms snaked around Bram.

Bram pulled his heads back. His eyes looked glazed over. He glanced around the sidewalk. Bram nodded his head towards a narrow alley between two buildings.

Simon allowed Bram to drag him by the wrist into the shadowed area.

Bram gently pushed Simon up against the wall. Simon could feel the sharp edges of the bricks digging into his shoulder blades. He didn’t mind. Bram pressed his own body up against Simon’s. From swollen lips to the tips of their toes, they were tangled together.

Bram moved his hands to grip Simon’s hips. His fingertips dug into soft flesh. Bram slowly ran his tongue across Simon’s lower lip.

Simon dipped his head, lowering his mouth to Bram’s jaw. He trailed kisses along Bram’s jaw and neck. He kissed the tender skin behind Bram’s ear. Simon licked his lips. He moved his mouth back to Bram’s. They kissed slow and warm.

Bram squeezed Simon’s hip bones and tilted his head into Simon, deepening their kiss. Simon pulled Bram’s body impossibly closer to his own. He ran his hands down Bram’s spine. He felt every bump and curve. He felt Bram’s muscles moving and tensing and relaxing underneath his skin.

A jumble of voices near the entrance of the alleyway made Bram and Simon pulled apart suddenly. They both turned. A group of people wandered past, paying the boys no attention.

Simon ran a hand through his hair. “We should go.”

“Yeah,” Bram agreed, “we should go.”

Bram and Simon strolled back to their car. Simon stole a glance at Bram while they walked. When he looked over, Bram was already looking at him.

Simon drove Bram and himself back to Bram’s house. They rode mostly in silence. Bram reached his hand over and grabbed Simon’s hand while they drove.

“Simon.” Bram’s voice sounded serious.

“Hmm?”

“Simon, I’m not ready for everyone else to know yet.”

Simon shot Bram a quick glance. “I understand. We don’t have to tell people.”

“I’m sorry.” Bram’s face fell.

Simon gently squeezed Bram’s hand. “Don’t be. I’m just here to support you until you are ready.”

Simon threw the car into park in Bram’s driveway.

Bram pulled Simon’s knuckles up to his lips and pressed a soft kiss to the back of his hand. “Thank you.”

Simon looped an arm around Bram’s shoulders. He pulled Bram into another kiss. He kissed Bram sweetly.

They stayed like that for a while longer. Bram eventually pulled away. He said a soft goodbye to Simon before getting out of the car.

Simon watched Bram walk to the front door. He waited for Bram to go inside the house before backing out of the driveway.

In Simon’s own driveway, he parked and pulled his phone from his pocket. He opened his email app and composed a new message.

 

**FROM:** **frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO:** **bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 16 th, 11:48pm**

**SUBJECT: The Best Day**

Blue,

I had the best time with you. I just wanted to you know. I can’t wait to do it again.

-Love, Jacques

 

**FROM:** **bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO:** **frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 16 th, 11:50pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: The Best Day**

Jacques,

I had the best time. I want to do it again with you. I want to kiss you again.

-Love, Blue

 

**FROM:** **frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO:** **bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 16 th, 11:51pm**

**SUBJECT: The Best Day**

Blue,

I am 100% okay with that.

-Love, Jacques

 

**FROM:** **bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO:** **frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 16 th, 11:54pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: The Best Day**

Jacques,

Glad we are on the same page here.

-Love, Blue


	28. Vingt Huit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter of emails between our boys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a sign of good faith, I'm posting two chapters in a row.

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 17 th, 8:12am**

**SUBJECT: Confession**

Jacques,

I have to confess something to you. I went out on a date last night.

The guy was quite possibly the cutest, sweetest, and kindest boy I’ve ever met.

We had the best time. Well, I had the best time. I hope he had the best time. I think if I ask, he might go out with me again.

-Love, Blue

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 17 th, 10:03am**

**SUBJECT: Re: Confession**

Blue,

I really can’t be mad at you for going out with this guy. He really seems like the total package. You should probably date him for a very long time and also kiss him often.

I think it’s probably safe to assume that he also had a great time. How could he not have a great with such and amazing guy. I’d also bet that he would go out with you in a heartbeat.

Now to something more important – WHY ARE YOU UP SO EARLY ON A SUNDAY? Go back to sleep, Blue. You’re crazy.

-Love, Jacques

 

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 17 th, 10:23am**

**SUBJECT: Re: Confession**

Jacques,

He really is the total package. I think I’ll keep him around for a while. Any suggestions for the next date?

Jacques, not all of us sleep until the afternoon. Some of us actually enjoy the hours between 7am and 12pm.

-Love, Blue

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 17 th, 10:29am**

**SUBJECT: Re: Confession**

Blue,

I have no idea what you are talking about. I don’t think I’ve ever seen 7am on a clock. What’s that like?

I think for your next date you should probably just go somewhere completely private and do whatever it is the two of you do when you are alone.

-Love, Jacques

 

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 17 th, 10:40am**

**SUBJECT: Re: Confession**

Jacques,

7am is very nice. I highly recommend it. Perhaps we should see it together sometime. There could be donuts and coffee involved.

Yes, perhaps that is a great idea. I do like to be alone in the dark with him.

-Love, Blue

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 17 th, 11:01am**

**SUBJECT: Re: Confession**

Blue,

If there are donuts and coffee, I’m there. Actually, I don’t need donuts and coffee, all I need is you and I’d be there (but I would prefer to also have donuts and coffee).

What is it you would do with this guy if you are were alone with him? Asking for a friend.

-Love, Jacques

 

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 17 th, 11:13am**

**SUBJECT: Re: Confession**

Jacques,

I feel the exact same way about the donuts and coffee (and you).

Now, what I would do with this guy if I was alone with him. It would slightly depend on the location but first I would take him by the hips and push him up against the nearest wall. I would kiss him slowly and deeply and I would run my hands along his shoulders, chest, and back. I would make sure every inch of my body was touching his. Once he was good and breathless I’d take him over to the sofa. He would lay down and I would lay over him. I would kiss not only his lips, but his jaw and neck. I would whisper in his ear all the things I love about him. Our bodies would be so comfortable and understanding with each other. We would move together in a perfect rhythm until neither could breathe anymore and our hearts almost pounded out of our chests.

Sound good?

-Love, Blue

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 17 th, 11:20am**

**SUBJECT: Re: Confession**

aklshdgsjlsfajkglsfh

 

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 17 th, 11:23am**

**SUBJECT: Re: Confession**

Jacques,

Was that good or bad?

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 17 th, 11:28am**

**SUBJECT: Re: Confession**

Blue,

Good. So very good. So good that I died. This is my ghost you are now talking to.

-Love, Jacques

 

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 17 th, 11:41am**

**SUBJECT: Re: Confession**

Ghost Jacques,

It is very nice to meet you. Although, I am deeply sorry to hear about Alive Jacques’ passing. I’ll send flowers.

-Love, Blue

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 17 th, 11:49am**

**SUBJECT: Re: Confession**

Blue,

Nice to meet you as well. I, Ghost Jacques, am just as attracted to you as Alive Jacques was. No need to worry. Also, please send Oreos in lieu of flowers. Thanks.

-Love, Ghost Jacques

 

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 17 th, 11:53am**

**SUBJECT: Re: Confession**

Ghost Jacques,

That’s good to know. I think the real question is whether I am still attracted to Ghost Jacques. How did I not think to send Oreos? I will make sure to do that.

-Love, Blue

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 17 th, 12:02pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Confession**

Blue,

Come on, Ghost Jacques has a lot of great qualities. He’s just as cute as Alive Jacques. I promise.

-Love, Ghost Jacques

 

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 17 th, 12:07pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Confession**

Okay, but it is somewhat strange how Ghost Jacques talks about himself in the third person.

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 17 th, 12:11pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Confession**

Blue,

Ghost Jacques has his flaws like anyone else.

-Love, Ghost Jacques

 

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 17 th, 12:20pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Confession**

Jacques,

I have something more serious I think we should talk about. I know we have already talked about it a little bit but are you sure you are okay with keeping us a secret? It won’t be easy hiding this from everyone at school, including our friends. Trust me, it won’t be easy for either of us. All day long I’ll be thinking about you and wanting to look at you and wanting to touch you.

But Jacques, I’m just not ready. I’m not even sure why I’m not ready. Maybe it is because I’m still the “new kid” and I’m afraid of becoming just “the second gay kid.” I don’t know. I just hate how no matter what I’m going to be labeled by everyone. It’s so frustrating how for my entire life I will be thought of as the black, Jewish, gay guy. I am all of those things and I’m proud to be all of those things. But really, I just want to be Bram.

Does that even make sense?

-Love, Blue

 

**FROM: fromymwindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 17 th, 12:26pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Confession**

Blue,

That makes complete sense. I know what you mean about the labels. It is annoying because yes that thing is a piece of you but it isn’t ALL of you. I understand, Blue.

I don’t want you to ever feel like I am pressuring you into coming out. If you ever feel that way, please tell me. I would never do that to you.

Plus, it could be fun at school tomorrow. We have our own little secret that nobody else is in on.

Blue, I want you to know that I love everything about you. I love that you are gay and black and Jewish and the new kid. But to me, you are just Bram. And I love that too.

-Love, Jacques

 

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 17 th, 12:34pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Confession**

Jacques,

Thank you. Thank you for being so supportive and understanding. Thank you for seeing me as Bram.

-Love, Blue

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 17 th, 12:41pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Confession**

Of course I see you as Bram. Here is a list of SOME of the things about you that I see and that I love:

  1. Your beautiful and glorious hands. The things I would let you do to me with those hands…
  2. Your long-ass eyelashes.
  3. The way you blush and bite your lip when you get a little embarrassed.
  4. When you smile and the corners of your eyes crinkle up.
  5. The way you talk and write. You are so smart.
  6. How you are usually so quiet and sometimes you whisper things just so I can hear.
  7. Your sarcastic sense of humor.
  8. The way you stand up for me and defend me.
  9. You are such a good friend to Garrett and Nick. But you also treat Leah and Abby so well even though you aren’t as close to them.
  10. That ass.



 

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 17 th, 1:03pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Confession**

It’s nice to know my ass is appreciated.

I’m smiling like a fool because you make me so happy.

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 17 th, 1:08pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Confession**

Oh Blue,

Your ass is very, VERY, appreciated. Perhaps sometime this week we should get together so I can remind your ass (and the rest of you) how much I appreciate you.

-Love, Jacques

 

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 17 th, 1:17pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Confession**

Jacques,

I’m sure there will be at least one evening this week that I will be home alone. Maybe you can keep me company?

-Love, Blue

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 17 th, 1:34pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Confession**

That sounds like my ideal evening.

 

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 17 th, 1:39pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Confession**

It sounds like mine too.

-Love, Blue

* * *

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreem118@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 17 th, 6:54pm**

**SUBJECT: Attacked by my family**

Blue,

At dinner, my mom just tried to convince me to let her set me up with one of her coworker’s sons who is apparently also gay. I don’t think she ever tried to set me up while I was straight so I don’t really know what to think.

My dad suggested signing up for Grindr (again). I bit the bullet and told him it was basically for hookups and casual sex. He got all quiet and said he didn’t think that was a great idea but he loved me no matter what. I had to remind him that it was HIS IDEA THE ENTIRE TIME.

Parents.

-Love, Jacques

 

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 17 th, 7:02pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Attacked by my family**

Jacques,

Your family just seems really great. At least they are supportive and encouraging. That’s better than having parents who never want to talk about you being gay and try to ignore it.

What did you tell you mom?

-Love, Blue

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 17 th, 7:10pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Attacked by my family**

Blue,

They are really great. And very supportive. Sometimes I wish they would just let me figure things out on my own though. There’s a certain amount of self-discovery that has to be done on your own without the help of your parents. My parents are great, but boundaries aren’t always their strong suit.

I told my mom no and used school as an excuse. I told her I just wanted to focus on my last year of school before college. She agreed that was wise.

-Love, Jacques

 

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 17 th, 7:17pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Attacked by my family**

Jacques,

My dad was cool with me being gay. But that last time I saw him, he was really awkward if anything about it came up. I think he’s fine with it as long as he doesn’t have to talk to me about it. Maybe he just doesn’t know what to say. I have my mom, and she’s great. Sometimes, I think it would be nice to talk to a dad though.

Using school is a good excuse. Sorry if I’m distracting you from all of your very important schoolwork.

-Love, Blue

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 17 th, 7:23pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Attacked by my family**

Blue,

That’s frustrating. I’m sorry. I guess I take for granted how supportive my parents are and how open our family is. I can talk to them about anything. I don’t always want to, but the option is there. I’m sorry you don’t have that as well.

And Blue, don’t apologize for distracting me. You are my favorite kind of distraction.

-Love, Jacques

 

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 17 th, 7:30pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Attacked by my family**

Jacques,

You are my favorite distraction too.

-Love, Blue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've determined that there will be 33 chapters in all, plus an epilogue. I've finished writing all of the actual chapters and all I have left is the epilogue which probably won't be very long. Thank you all who are sticking it out with me to finish this fic. I have all of the love in the world for you. Xoxo


	29. Vingt Neuf

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys enjoy their secret.

_(7:12am) Bram: Hey. I’ll be waiting out front for you this morning._

_(7:18am) Simon: Good morning. I’ll be looking for you._

Simon picked up Nick, Abby, and Leah like usual on the Monday morning. The entire morning Simon’s gut was a combination of giddiness and nausea. He was excited to see Bram. He was excited to have their secret together. He was incredibly nervous that he was going to be obvious, that someone was going to find out, and he was going to be responsible for revealing Bram’s secret.

Simon’s friends were chattering away, completely oblivious to Simon’s anxious silence.

In the school parking lot, Simon eyes scanned the crowd. Simon slung his backpack over his shoulder and walked towards the front entrance. He wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans.

Simon glanced around the entrance. His eyes locked onto Bram. His nervousness melted away when he saw Bram’s warm eyes and smile looking back at him.

Simon barely registered a muffled sound in his left ear. He turned to Leah who was giving him a strange look.

“Sorry, what?” Simon leaned into Leah.

“I just asked if you had a busy weekend,” Leah chuckled at him.

Simon coughed nervously. “Yeah, I guess I did.”

As the four approached the school, Simon nodded casually at Bram who responded with a half-smile.

“Hey man,” Nick clapped Bram’s shoulder.

“What’s up, guys?” Bram greeted the group.

Everyone mumbled responses about being tired or hating Mondays or wishing it was summer already.

In the hallway, Simon parted ways with his friends to stash some books in his locker. He didn’t realize Bram was following him until Bram fell into step with Simon.

“Hey,” Simon smiled, glancing quickly at Bram.

“Hey. Uhh how was your weekend?”

Simon bit back a laugh. “Fine, I guess. Nothing too thrilling. How was yours?”

“I’ve had better.”

The boys shared a laugh while Simon twisted open the combination lock on his locker. Simon leaned down into his locker, putting some books away while grabbing the ones he needed for his morning classes.

Bram shot a glance around the hallway. It was crowded but no one was close to Simon’s locker and no one was paying them any mind. Bram lowered his head towards Simon’s ear.

“You look really good. I would kiss you right now if I could.” His voice was low and husky.

Simon straightened up, giving Bram a pointed look meaning “fuck, don’t do this to me right now.”

Bram gave Simon a wicked smile.

“Maybe later,” Simon murmured, “If you’re lucky.”

Bram smacked Simon’s shoulder, giving an imperceptible squeeze to his flesh before the boys parted ways.

Sitting in class, Simon’s mind was on anything but the subject he was supposed to be learning. Simon’s thoughts kept drifting to Bram. And to Bram’s eyes and hands and mouth. And the things he did with his mouth. And what his body felt like when it was pressed up against Simon’s.

 _Snap out of it._ Simon scolded himself, turning his eyes and his mind back to the teacher at the front of the room. Spanish verb conjugation was not efficiently keeping Simon’s brain occupied.

* * *

 

Simon occasionally saw Bram throughout the school day. They would pass each other in the halls and nod at each other or greet each other. They would give each other looks that no one else could detect or understand.

Simon and Bram weren’t together again until lunch.

Simon went through the lunch line grabbing his usual two baskets of fries along with the rest of his meal.

Simon located Leah and Abby already seated at a lunch table. Simon slid onto the bench next to Leah.

“How was your weekend, Si?” Abby asked, munching on potato chips.

Simon swallowed hard. He pushed the aside the images of every minute he spent with Bram. “It was fine. Nothing exciting. Really,” Simon sputtered, “How was yours?” Simon changed the subject, hoping Abby and Leah wouldn’t notice his awkwardness.

“Nick and I hung out. Leah and I hung out. The usual.”

Nick, Garrett, and Bram strolled up to the table. Bram glanced at Simon and gave him a casual smile. He slid into the seat across from Simon.

Around them, their friends began conversing and laughing. Simon and Bram were oblivious.

Simon passed Bram’s fries with a smirk. Bram smiled back and began munching on the crispy potatoes.

Garrett leaned over to Simon and began talking with him about something related to baseball. Simon attempted to listen and comprehend to Garrett’s discussion of baseball statistics.

Simon’s distraction grew worse when he felt a foot, presumably Bram’s, reach under the table and brush against Simon’s own foot. The foot grazed over the top of Simon’s foot and up his ankle.

Simon shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He shot a look at Bram whose eyes were dancing with laughter. Simon bit back a laugh.

Simon decided two could play this game. He slowly reached his foot under the table. He found Bram’s ankle. He slowly stroked his foot across Bram’s ankle and calf. Simon carefully watched Bram fighting a smile.

“What are you doing?” Nick raised an eyebrow at Simon.

Simon quickly dropped his foot. “What?”

Nick looked under the table. “What are you doing with your foot?”

Simon’s mouth went dry. “Uhh my foot was asleep. I was just trying to- you know.”

Nick nodded, believing Simon’s lie.

Simon’s heartbeat fell back into a normal rhythm. He let out a sigh of relief.

Bram caught Simon’s eye. “ _Smooth,”_ he mouthed silently.

Simon quickly finished his lunch. He stood up from the table and grabbed his empty tray. Bram did the same. They walked over to return their trays to the kitchen.

“You almost got us caught, Si.” Bram murmured.

Simon gave Bram a sideways glance. “I wouldn’t have if you hadn’t started it.”

Bram chuckled. “What class do you have?”

“Math. What about you?”

Bram shrugged. “I have free period before English.”

Simon looked up at Bram through his eyelashes. “I’ll see you then.”

Bram nodded. “I’ll meet you at your locker.”

The boys shared an intimate look before parting ways. Simon found Nick and the two walked to their next class together.

 

The math lesson dragged by. Simon’s focus wasn’t any better even when Bram wasn’t within five feet of him.

Beside Simon, Nick was slumped is his desk. His eyes were fluttering closed. Simon kicked Nick’s ankle to wake him up.

Nick’s head shot up. “Yeah. Yep. I’m good. Thanks.”

“Mr. Eisner,” the teacher called from the front of the room, “do you have a question?”

Nick shook his head. “No, I’m good.”

Simon covered his mouth to hide his giggles.

Nick gave Simon the side eye.

When the bell rang, Simon and Nick bolted from their seats. They parted ways in the hall when Nick went off to meet Abby.

Simon stood at his locker, shuffling around his supplies. A hand reached into Simon’s line of sight, holding a plastic cup of iced coffee.

“You got me coffee?”

Bram offered Simon a sweet smile. “I had a free period.”

“Juniors aren’t allowed to leave campus.” Simon pointed out.

“If you act confident, no one will question you.”

Simon took the coffee and took a long sip.

The two boys strolled to their English class. Simon couldn’t help himself when he kept glancing sideways at Bram every few seconds.

_Am I dreaming?_

Bram met Simon’s eyes. They shared a secret smile in the crowded hallway.

“Hey boys,” Mr. Wise greeted from the doorway of his classroom, “last work day before the project is due.”

Simon and Bram nodded and turned around towards the library.

They settled into their normal table, the one tucked into the far back corner of the library. They were surrounded by tall bookshelves, hiding them from view.

Bram unpacked his materials. He spread their project out over the table. Simon and Bram were mostly done with their project. They had a few finishing touches before submitting their final draft.

Simon sat down and pulled his chair close to Bram. Even though Bram wasn’t ready for hand-holding, hugging, and other public displays of affection at school, that didn’t mean Simon didn’t want to be physically close to him.

Simon started rambling on about the project and the last few things they should do to make their project perfect.

Bram watched Simon as he spoke with a small smile on his face. Bram’s chest felt warm and full as he looked at the boy that he loved.

Bram knew the boy did not have much work left to do. He decided it would be okay if he distracted Simon.

While Simon continued talking, Bram gently pressed him hand around Simon’s knee. He slid his hand up Simon’s thigh slowly.

Simon’s words jumbled until he stopped all together. “What are you doing?” Simon narrowed his eyes.

Bram shrugged innocently. “I don’t know what you are talking about.” He moved his thumb in small circles on Simon’s jeans.

“You’re distracting me.”

“Okay.” Bram didn’t move his hand.

Simon sighed. “You’re supposed to be the good one. You know, the one who puts in effort in class and gets good grades.”

Bram laughed but didn’t respond. He shot a glance around the table. The library was silent and empty and the large shelves blocked any view of Simon and Bram.

Bram squeezed the flesh of Simon’s thigh. He leaned towards Simon and whispered in his ear. “It isn’t easy when all I want to do is be close to you.”

Simon swallowed hard. Bram’s voice is his ear sent a chill down his spine.

Bram carefully peppered kisses to Simon’s ear and jaw.

Simon giggled at the feeling of Bram’s lips on his skin.

Bram paused, looking at Simon. “Are you ticklish?”

“No.”

“Liar.” Bram checked their surroundings again before pressing more kisses to Simon.

Simon let himself enjoy Bram’s attention for a moment. “You’re going to get us caught,” Simon gently chided.

Bram pulled away. He looked up at Simon through his eyelashes.

“You’re right. Are you busy tonight?”

Simon shook his head.

“Can we continue this later at my house?”

Simon answered by lightly pressing his lips to Bram’s.

* * *

 

At the sound of the doorbell, Bram jogged to the front door and swung it open.

“I have to pee.” Simon pushed past Bram.

“You literally just got here,” Bram chuckled.

“Yeah, and I should have peed before I left my house. No judgement.”

Bram rolled his eyes and shrugged. He wandered back to the living room where he had been resting on the couch and scrolling through tumblr. Bram heard the sound of the bathroom door clicking open. Seconds later a lanky figure was launching itself over the arm of the sofa and onto Bram.

Simon rested his elbow on either side of Bram and propped himself up on them.

“Hi.”

“What are you doing?”

“I’m sorry,” Simon’s eyed flickered with joy, “I thought this was the point of the whole evening?”

“It’s almost seven. Aren’t you hungry or anything?”

“Nope.” Simon smiled.

Bram wrapped an arm around Simon. “Just checking.” Bram pulled Simon down, pressing his lips gently to Simon’s.

Simon made a contented noise. He ran his hands over Bram’s shoulders and arms. Simon pushed up the sleeves of Bram’s t-shirt, feeling every inch of his toned biceps.

Bram ran his tongue across Simon’s lower lip. Bram’s tongue pushed into the other boy’s mouth, exploring every surface.

Bram’s hands toyed at the hem of Simon’s t-shirt. Bram gently lifted Simon’s shirt, placing his hands on the small of Simon’s back.

Simon responded with a groan. Simon angled his head into the crook of Bram’s neck. “Your hands are freezing.”

Bram smiled into Simon’s mouth. “Warm them up for me then.” Bram moved his hands further up Simon’s spine, pushing Simon’s shirt up even farther.

Simon, straddling Bram, sat up. He pushed his messy hair out of his eyes. Simon looked over Bram, drinking in the way Bram was looking at him. Simon smirked. He reached down and pulled his t-shirt over his head.

Bram watched with raised eyebrows as Simon tossed the shirt onto the floor.

Simon slowly lowered himself back down.

Bram put his hand on Simon’s neck. He placed gentle kisses on Simon’s ear and jaw. “You’re beautiful.”

Simon responded with a giggle.

Bram wrapped his arms around Simon again, pulled him in tightly. His hands traveled down, slowly exploring Simon’s body. He squeezed Simon’s ass, using the opportunity to pull Simon even closer.

Simon let out a moan right into Bram’s ear.

“ _Oh fuck,”_ Bram grumbled. He kissed Simon hungrily. He could feel the growing tightness in Simon’s jeans and in his own sweatpants.

Both boys breathed heavily, intoxicated by their proximity to each other.

Simon pushed his body into Bram’s. He could feel Bram’s erection pushing against him.

Bram lifted his hip off the couch, trying to get impossibly closer to Simon.

“Bram.” Simon tilted his head to look in Bram’s eyes.

Bram raised his eyebrows, waiting for Simon to continue.

“I’m not, umm,” Simon mumbled. “I’m not ready for more. Than this, I mean. Like making out with you is great but-”

“Me neither.” Bram spat out. “I agree, this is great. But I’m also not ready for more.”

“Okay. Good. Great. Glad we’re on the same page.”

Bram smiled lovingly up at Simon.

Simon rana hand through his hair. “I should probably get going.”

“My mom will probably be home soon.”

“I’d prefer if she didn’t happen upon us in this position.”

Bram vibrated with laughter. “Agreed.”

Instead of moving away from Bram, Simon settled down again. He wrapped his arms around Bram and snuggled close to the other boy.

“This is nice,” Bram snaked his arms around Simon’s warm, shirtless body.

“This is nice,” Simon echoed.


	30. Trente

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tensions rise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry Leah is unlikeable in this chapter. Also sorry for not following through about posting all of this fic. I'm posting the rest of the chapters today. Please forgive me, my loves.

“Hey, Si,” Leah followed Simon to his locker before the start of first period.

Simon looked at his friend over the door of his locker. “Yeah?”

“I was wondering,” she paused, “You know about Cal, right?”

Simon raised an eyebrow. “What about Cal?” Simon slammed his locker door shut and started making his way to class.

Leah shrugged, “well he came out? He’s bi.”

“Oh, that. Yeah I heard. What about it though?”

“He’s cute.”

“So ask him out.”

Leah stopped in her tracks. One of her hands flew up and gripped Simon’s bicep. “Not for me, for you. I think you guys could be really cute together. And you already know him.”

Simon’s eyes widened. He opened his mouth to speak but couldn’t produce any words. “I’m not interested.” Simon continued walking down the hallway.

Leah rushed to follow him. “Why not?”

“I just don’t, Leah. I’ll see you later.” Simon ducked into his classroom.

Guilt twisted in Simon’s gut. Leah was his best friend. If he could trust anyone with his secret about Bram, it was Leah. But the situation was complicated. The secret wasn’t just Simon’s, it was Bram’s too.

 

Leah was pushy. Simon knew that. That was a fact of his life since the day he met Leah at age three. Simon deeply wished that the idea of Cal and Simon dating is one she would drop. It was a longshot.

Leah wandered up to the lunch table that day with an extra body in tow. Cal stood slightly behind Leah, looking slightly confused. He smiled kindly at the table.

Simon glanced quickly at Bram. His eyes shifted to Leah, who he tried to glare at inconspicuously.

“I invited Cal to sit with us.” Leah shrugged and plopped her tray beside Bram.

Cal sat in the last empty seat, next to Simon.

Bram picked up on Simon’s weird vibes. He carefully raised an eyebrow at Simon. Simon responded with a tiny shake of his head.

“Hey Cal,” Simon said warmly. It wasn’t the boy’s fault that Leah wouldn’t listen to Simon.

“How are you, Simon?”

“I’m pretty good. Just waiting out the end of the school year, you know?”

“Tell me about it. I’ve started studying for some of my finals and it’s a pain. I think I already have senioritis even though I’m only a junior. Is that a thing?”

Simon laughed. “It’s definitely a thing. I’ve had it since February of freshman year.”

Cal chuckled at Simon’s remark.

“Do you have any fun summer plans so far?” His smile beamed at Simon.

Simon rolled his eyes, thinking back to his dad’s vacation idea. “My dad wants the family to go camping.”

Cal snorted. “You don’t strike me as someone who likes camping.” Cal bumped his shoulder against Simon’s.

Simon giggled. “Yeah that’s what-” Simon turned to Bram. “I thought,” he finished his sentence awkwardly.

Bram was looking at Simon and Cal with a weird expression. It was halfway between sadness and jealousy.

Bram’s expression caught Simon off guard. He didn’t hear what Leah was saying about Cal and Simon to try and rope them into more conversation.

Simon navigated the rest of the lunch period awkwardly, trying to be polite to Cal and simultaneously read Bram’s mind.

When Bram finished eating, he quickly rose with his tray and mumbled some excuse about studying and rushing off before Simon could even say anything.

Simon made an attempt to catch up to his boyfriend. He swung his backpack over his shoulder and snatched his tray, almost running from the cafeteria after Bram.

Simon stopped short in the main hallway off the cafeteria. Bram was nowhere to be seen.

“Si.” Leah came up behind Simon.

In his frustration, Simon snapped at his friend. “What?”

Leah flinched. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Sorry. What’s up?”

“What are you doing on Saturday? I was thinking Abby, Nick, you, and I should get pizza and go to a movie. And we’ll invite Cal too.”

Simon rolled his eyes. “Oh my god, Leah. Drop it. Please. I’ve already told you I’m not interested in Cal.”

“You’re single. He’s single. I don’t see the problem.”

“I don’t care if you don’t see a ‘problem,’ Leah. I’m not interested and that isn’t changing, okay? Please just listen to me and leave it alone.”

Leah pulled back. Confusion and sadness washed over her face. “Is this about that email guy? Are you still hung up on him?”

_If only she knew._ Simon thought. “Leah. Drop it,” Simon said firmly.

Leah didn’t speak. She glared at Simon.

“Leah,” Simon ran a hand over his face. “I’m sorry. I’m just frustrated. I just need you to listen to me, okay?”

“Okay. I’m sorry, Si.” Leah sighed.

Simon stalked off towards his math class. He pulled his phone from his backpack, hoping for cell phone service. He knew he wouldn’t get any.

 

In English class the next period, Bram walked in right as the bell rang. He looked at Simon and offered him a small smile.

Simon held eye contact with Bram, like he was trying to read his mind.

The next hour seemed to drag on forever. As soon as the bell rang, Simon grabbed his things and walked up to Bram.

“I’m sorry, Bram. I had no idea Leah was trying to-” Simon stopped.

“I’m fine,” Bram shook his head.

Simon followed Bram from the classroom, not quite believing his boyfriend’s words.

* * *

**FROM:** **frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO:** **bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 27 th, 5:14pm**

**SUBJECT: Be honest with me**

Blue,

Please be honest with me. Are you upset?

I didn’t know that Leah was so obsessed with setting me up on a date. I’m obviously not interested.

The only person I want is you.

-Love, Jacques

 

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 27 th, 6:02pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Be honest with me**

Jacques,

I’m not upset, per se. I don’t know how I feel. I’m jealous I think.

I know it isn’t your fault. I trust you. I just want people to know that we’re together and we don’t need anyone else.

-Love, Blue

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 27 th, 6:10pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Be honest with me**

Blue,

Well just know that whenever you want people to know, I’m ready.

-Love, Jacques

 

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 27 th, 6:17pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Be honest with me**

Don’t you think I already know that? I’m not ready yet.

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 27 th, 6:21pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Be honest with me**

Whoa. Hold up. I am not trying to force you or make you feel guilty. I’m just letting you know. You don’t need to get upset at me, Blue.

 

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 27 th, 6:24pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Be honest with me**

Well that’s how it feels. I know you’ve already waited a long time for me. If you get sick of hiding then you don’t have to wait around for me.

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 27 th, 6:32pm**

**SUBJECT: Re: Be honest with me**

This feels like a conversation we should be having in person.

 

Less than half an hour later, Simon found himself sitting on a couch in Bram’s living room. Both boys had their arms crossed across their chests.

The room was thick with silence.

Both Simon and Bram were waiting for the other to speak first.

Finally, Simon was fed up with neither one of them speaking. “I’m not trying to force you to do anything.”

Bram blinked calmly at Simon.

“Leah won’t leave me alone. I think she thinks I’m lonely. It’s annoying. I don’t what to tell her to get her to stop.”

“Have you tried telling her that you aren’t interested?” Bram broke his silence. His voice was strangely calm and even.”

Simon scoffed. “Of course I’ve tried. She isn’t exactly always good at listening to what other people say they want or need.”

“Sounds like a great friend.” Bram rolled his eyes.

“Hey,” Simon snapped, “I know you’re upset but you don’t need to attack Leah.”

Bram sighed. “Sorry. I know.”

Simon stood up and walked to the other couch where Bram was sitting. He folded his legs under himself. “Look, I know you aren’t ready for everyone to know. I get it and it’s okay. I’m supporting you, at least I’m trying to. But I need you to support me in return. If I’m annoyed because Leah won’t leave me alone about guys then I need you to not snap at me. I need you to say ‘yeah that is annoying. I’m sorry you are dealing with that, Simon.’”

Bram nodded slowly. “I can do that. I want you to tell me stuff like that, Simon. I need you to know that sometimes it feels like you are blaming me. I know you aren’t, but sometimes I can’t help but wonder if you are. I need you to say ‘hey, this annoying. I’m frustrated and I’m telling you because I know you care about me, not because I think it’s your fault.’”

“I can do that.” Simon offered his boyfriend a soft smile.

“I’m sorry.” Bram returned the smile.

Simon shifted his body closer to Bram. He pressed kisses in a trail up Bram’s neck. “I’m sorry too.” He kissed the soft skin behind Bram’s ear, where he knew Bram was ticklish.

“Not fair,” Bram murmured.

“All’s fair in love and war.”

Bram gripped Simon’s waist, pulling him closer. Bram leaned over Simon, laying him down on the couch cushions.

Simon smiled up at Bram. He craned his neck forward, capturing Bram’s lips in his own. He grazed his teeth along Bram’s lower lip.

Simon felt Bram smile against his mouth.

Bram deepened the kiss. He opened his lips against Simon’s mouth, urging Simon’s lips to do the same. Bram slipped his tongue into Simon’s mouth.

Simon’s arms wrapped around Bram’s neck. He tightened his arms.

Simon and Bram moved against each other on the sofa. Their bodies fell into a rhythm. Simon was acutely aware of the snug feeling in the front of his jeans. He was almost positive he could feel a similar tightness in Bram’s jeans. Simon lost all track of time and space, his mind could only focus on Bram’s body and lips and tongue. His hands ran up and down Bram’s t-shirt, parallel to Bram’s spine.

He felt breathless. He could practically hear the pounding of Bram’s heartbeat against his chest.

Bram pulled back. He propped himself up on his elbows, looking down at Simon.

“Hey.”

Simon chuckled. “Hey.”

“It’s late. We have school tomorrow.”

“Are you kicking me out?”

Bram’s eyes crinkled with a smile. “One of us has to be the responsible one.”

Bram moved backwards as Simon sat up. He ran a hand through his hair, trying to push it back to its usual state of messiness and not the sexy, making-out kind of messiness.

“I’ll see you at school tomorrow then.”

Bram nodded.

Simon leaned forward, searching for one last kiss from Bram.

Bram smiled, but pulled backwards. “Responsibility.”

“One more?”

Bram gave Simon one last peck before ushering him out the front door.

* * *

A few days later, after the last bell of the school day had rung, Bram was standing at his locker putting his books away. He slammed the door shut, and swung his backpack over his shoulder.

Garrett and Abby were approaching Bram.

“Hey guys, what’s up?”

“We have to talk.”

Bram’s brow wrinkled in confusion. “Okay?”

Bram followed Garrett and Abby out to the side parking lot where their cars were parked.

“What is this about?”

“Well we’re concerned,” Abby began.

Bram raised an eyebrow.

“That’s why we want to talk to you. We’re both concerned,” Garrett agreed.

“Concerned about what?” Bram prompted.

Garrett sighed softly. “We’re concerned about Simon. And you too. We just think that you hiding yourself and not coming clean about your identity to Simon is getting really bad. We’re worried that it’s bad for Simon. We can’t make this decision for you, but we think it would be smart and healthy for both of you to finally come clean. It can’t be good for you to be keeping that secret for so long.”

Bram smiled. His friends meant well, regardless of how misplaced their concern was.

“Umm,” Bram shook his head, “I’m still really surprised that Abby knew this whole time.”

“Not the whole time,” Abby corrected, “but for a bit. Long enough.”

“Still. I appreciate you guys looking out for me and Simon. You don’t have to be worried though.”

“Bram-” Garrett started.

“No,” Bram interrupted, “really. It’s fine. Thanks.”

Bram climbed into his vehicle, peeling out of the parking lot as quickly as he could.

Maybe Simon was right about this whole thing after all. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to keep their entire relationship a secret from everyone they knew and loved.


	31. Trente et Un

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is a fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry.

“This is nice.”

Simon turned towards Bram. “What is?”

Bram lifted his hand which was intertwined with Simon’s. “This. I like being able to hold your hand in public even if we have to wait until it’s dark and walk through an empty park to do so.”

Simon chuckled. “This is nice. Someday there will be a day when we don’t have to hide our relationship just because we’re gay.”

Bram sighed.

Simon turned to Bram with one eyebrow raised. “What? Is something wrong?”

Bram locked eyes with Simon. “I just don’t like when you say things like that?”

“Like what?”

“Like talking about us being _all out there._ I know you are just referring to society and acceptance of gay people and being able to hold hands and kiss in public without putting ourselves in danger but it feels like are making snide remarks about me not being ready to tell our friends or people at school.”

Simon halted. He froze in his place. “Whoa. Whoa, Bram. I- I don’t mean it like that at all. I never meant to make you feel like I’m trying to push you to come out if you aren’t ready.”

Bram huffed. “I know that’s not what you mean.”

“I have never, _never,_ tried to push you to do something you are uncomfortable with.”

“I know, Simon. I know,” Bram said shortly. “You aren’t listening to me. I’m just trying to tell you how I feel.”

“Oh my god. Well it takes you long enough.”

Bram blinked his eyes, taken aback. “What the hell do you mean by that?”

“Well you don’t exactly move quickly when it comes to telling people how you feel. Or who you are, for that matter.”

Bram took a few steps farther down the path, separating himself from Simon. “That’s really low, Simon. This isn’t like you.”

“How the fuck would you know? We’ve only really hung out in person for a few weeks.”

“Right. I get it. You’re saying it’s my fault that we don’t know each other better because I wouldn’t tell you who I am. Cool, Simon. Sorry I’m not confident in everything I do. Sorry that I’m not carefree about other people’s opinions about me. Sorry that I’m not fucking oblivious and I’m smart enough to figure out your identity and it didn’t take me ten thousand years.”

Simon shook his head. His hands fisted in frustration. “You know what Bram. I’m sick of this. I’m sick of walking on eggshells and feeling like I might upset you if I mention wanting to be out and be affectionate and loving in public with my boyfriend. For god’s sake, is it really so unreasonable to want to be able to do that with the person I love?”

Bram swallowed hard. “What?”

“What?”

“What did you just say?”

Simon shook his head, confused.

“You said you loved me.”

“I’ve said it before.”

Bram shrugged. “We’ve implied it. In emails. This is different. The first time you said ‘I love you’ and we’re fighting.”

Simon sighed. He looked at Bram, unsure of what to say.

Bram bit his lip.

“Bram,” Simon ran a hand through his messy hair, “I do love you. But I’m also really frustrated. I spent 17 years of my life hiding a big part of who I am. And then I finally worked up the nerve to be honest with my family and my friends about it. And now, _you_ are a big part of who I am. And I love that. I’m so happy about that. But Bram, I’m sick of hiding. I’m just so fucking tired of hiding things from people. I understand you aren’t ready. That’s fine. But I won’t hide you. I won’t hide that part of me. I’m not asking you to come out because that isn’t fair. But it isn’t fair for me to have to hide either.”

Bram looked at Simon intently. Neither boy spoke.

“So,” Bram breathed, “what does that mean for us?”

Simon shook his head. “I think,” he paused, “I think you need to figure yourself out. And I think I need to give you space to do that.”

“Si-” Bram stepped back towards Simon.

Simon bit the inside of his cheek, willing his tear ducts shut. “I do love you, Bram. You’re still my Blue.” Simon grabbed Bram’s shoulders, pulling the other boy close. Simon connected his lips to Bram’s, pressing them softly together. Simon pulled back.

Bram’s hands dropped from Simon’s hips. He opened his mouth, trying to speak. He couldn’t make a sound. Bram stood a still as a statue while he watched Simon get swallowed up by the darkness.

Bram made it back to his car before the tears started falling from his eyes. Sobs wracked through his body.

 _How did I fuck this up so badly?_ Bram asked himself. _No. It’s not your fault, you aren’t ready. Why doesn’t he understand. He should understand. What an asshole. He isn’t an asshole and you know it._ Bram reasoned. _Fuck._

Bram didn’t know how long he sat and cried in his car. He waited until the tears stopped running and his eyes lost their puffiness before turning the ignition in his car and driving home.

 

Simon unintentionally slammed his front door shut. He winced.

“Simon?” Emily called from the kitchen.

“Yeah it’s me. I’m going to run up and shower.” Simon took the stairs two at a time. In his bedroom, Simon flopped onto his bed. He grabbed one of the pillows and whacked it against the mattress before shoving his face against it and letting out a scream.

Simon collected himself. He panted heavily against the pillow in his arms.

_God, why does Bram have to be so defense and uptight. Why is he so fucking scared of everything? God. Why did I push him so hard? Why did I screw this up so badly?_

Simon pulled the pillow over his eyes, hoping it would block Bram out of his mind. Simon wasn’t sure how long he laid on his bed, willing his mind and his body to relax. Eventually, Simon stood up from the bed. He decided taking a shower was a good idea. Maybe it would wash off the dirtiness he felt after fighting with Bram.

Simon stepped into the shower, turning the water temperature as hot as his skin could handle. The bathroom filled with steam.

Simon leaned his head against the white tiled wall. He briefly considered that he looked like he was acting out a depressing scene from a melodramatic teen movie.

“Simon!”

Simon jumped at the sound of his name and the loud pounding on the bathroom door.

“Simon, the Shady Creek utilities department just called and said they are running out of water,” Jack called through the door.

“Ha. Very funny, Dad.”

“Get out of the shower, Simon. Leave some hot water for the rest of us.”

Simon turned the water off. He wrapped a towel around his waist and went back into his bedroom.

Simon’s phone glared at him from the bedside table. Simon sickly wondered if Bram had texted him. Or called. Or emailed. Or anything.

 _You could just email him,_ Simon’s intrusive thoughts reminded him.

Simon opened the email app on his phone. His fingers tapped at the screen, opening a new email.

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: Saved as draft May 14 th, 10:21pm**

**SUBJECT: I love you and I’m sorry**

My Blue,

Blue. Bram. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

I love you. I will always love you.

-Love, Jacques

 

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: Saved as draft May 14 th, 10:26pm**

**SUBJECT: Please, Blue**

Blue,

Please don’t be mad at me. I love you. Let’s talk.

-Love, Jacques

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: Saved as draft May 14 th, 10:30pm**

**SUBJECT: Can we talk**

I think we need to talk about this.

-Jacques

**FROM: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**DATE: Saved as draft May 14 th, 10:34pm**

**SUBJECT: Blue**

Blue,

I’m sorry. I’m sorry we fought. I hate this. I will never stop loving you.

I did mean what I said, though. I want you to have space to figure yourself out.

I’ll be waiting for you when you are ready for me.

-All my love, Jacques

* * *

Bram slowly crept into the house. He was almost positive his mom was home and he wasn’t sure he was ready to talk to anyone.

The lights in the living room and kitchen were off. Bram snuck upstairs and quietly tiptoed past his mother’s bedroom.

Bram kicked his shoes off by his bedroom door. He debated putting on a pair of sweatpants. The concept seemed to require a lot of energy. Instead, Bram settled for halfway and stripped down to his boxers before burrowing underneath the covers of his bed.

Bram curled up into a ball. He wasn’t exactly sure what had just happened between him and Simon. _Did we break up?_

Bram didn’t want to think about Simon right now. He couldn’t think about Simon without crying or punching something.

Bram wondered if he should call Simon. He pulled out his phone, staring at the bright light of the screen underneath the comforter.

Bram opened his email inbox. The screen stated “no new messages.” Bram sighed.

Bram pursed his lips thoughtfully. He tapped the screen a few times.

 

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: Saved as draft May 14 th, 10:32pm**

**SUBJECT: What happened?**

Jacques,

I’m not really sure what happened between us. I think we should talk.

-Love, Blue

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: Saved as draft May 14 th, 10:38pm**

**SUBJECT: I still love you**

Jacques,

No matter what I do or say, I will always love you. Whether I am out to the public or not, I will always love you. I’ll never not love you.

-Love, Blue

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: Saved as draft May 14 th, 10:41pm**

**SUBJECT: Simon**

Si,

Please don’t be upset with me. I am sorry. I’m sorry I can’t tell people I’m gay. I’m sorry I’m not ready. Please understand.

-Bram

**FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com**

**TO: frommywindow1@gmail.com**

**DATE: Saved as draft May 14 th, 10:49pm**

**SUBJECT: [No subject]**

Jacques,

I don’t even know what just happened between us. Please, Jacques. I love you.

-Love, Blue

* * *

Sunday morning Simon was lounging on the sofa. Jack and Emily had gone to some school event with Nora, promising to be back sometime that afternoon. Simon was spending his alone time moping around the house, taking a rest from pretending to be cheerful.

Simon was planning on watching Netflix and consuming a significant amount of junk food and iced coffee when the ringing of the doorbell interrupted Simon’s peace.

Simon lumbered to the front door. Abby was smiling on the other side of the door when Simon’s swung it open.

“Abby.”

“Hi,” Abby didn’t wait for Simon to move aside before pushing herself into the house.

“What are you doing here?”

Abby plopped herself onto the couch. “What’s up with you?”

Simon slid into a chair across from his friend. “What do you mean?”

Abby narrowed her eyes. “You aren’t acting like yourself. I can tell from your texts so I know it’s bad. I came to see what’s wrong.”

Simon bit his lip and shrugged.

A thick silence hung in the air.

“Is it-” Abby started, “Is it Bram?”

Simon almost fell out of his chair. “Is it who?”

“Bram.”

Simon struggled to form words. He wasn’t sure how to answer. “What do you know about Bram?”

Abby blinked at Simon. “I know you like him. I know you’re upset and I’m pretty sure it has to do with him.”

Simon was silent. Abby let Simon think.

Simon chewed his lip. “Abby,”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t just _like_ Bram. Abby, I love him.”

“Oh.”

Simon looked at Abby, waiting for her to speak again.

“Wow,” Abby said after a few moments. “You love him. That doesn’t explain why you’re upset though.”

“We fought. It was bad. And I’m not sure what it means. I’m not sure we can come back from this.”

Abby rose from the couch. She walked over to Simon and wrapped her arms around him.

“Simon, I’m sorry you and Bram fought. But you guys will come back from this. If you love him and he loves you then you’ll figure it out. You guys are good together.”

Simon chuckled. “How could you possibly know that we’re good together?”

“I’ve got an intuition for these things.” Abby winked at Simon.

“I love you, Simon. I’ve got the idea that Bram loves you too. Now, I’m not saying that you and Bram are going to spend the rest of your lives together but I think you guys will figure this out.”

Simon pulled Abby in for a tighter squeeze. “What would I do without you?”

Abby laughed. “I don’t know. You’d probably be dead or something,” she said, holding Simon close and reminding him that everything with Bram would turn out alright. And if it didn’t, she would be there to help Simon sort everything out.


	32. Trente Deux

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys mope.

Simon moped into school Monday morning. He didn’t want to be at school. Or anywhere. Except maybe the couch. Or his bed. The thing Simon dreaded most was seeing Bram. No one knew about Simon and Bram. Abby knew a little, but not enough. Simon had no idea how to act around Bram and protect himself but still seem normal to everyone else.

The entirety of Simon’s weekend had been spent each copious amounts of junk food and binging trashy television shows on Netflix. He felt nowhere near ready to face this day.

Simon walked with his eyes lowered. He counted each step of his black converse sneakers. Simon almost walked past his locker without noticing. Simon twisted the lock and pulled at the metal door. It didn’t budge. After four more attempts, Simon finally yanked the locker door open.

Simon’s heart sank at the sight of his open locker. On the shelf sat Neil Perry, the stuffed polar bear from the carnival. Anger washed over Simon, flushing his cheeks bright red. Simon ignored the bear, grabbing the books he needed and slamming the door shut again. He stalked off to class, pretending not to hear Leah calling his name from across the hallway.

* * *

Simon effectively avoided most of his friends through the morning. He was slowly wandering towards the cafeteria, carefully debating what to do about lunch when Garrett approached.

“Simon.”

Simon turned his eyes to the tall boy.

“Let’s talk. Garrett grabbed Simon by the sweatshirt sleeve without waiting for an answer.

In one of the back stairwells, Garrett plopped himself onto a step and gestured for Simon to join him.

“I-” Simon tried to ask Garrett what they were doing. “I’m hungry. I have to go get lunch.”

Garrett unzipped his backpack and pulled out two turkey and cheese sandwiches wrapped in plastic baggies. He tossed one to Simon. “All yours.”

Simon sighed, defeated. He didn’t have the energy to fight this. “What do you want to talk about?” Simon ripped into the sandwich.

“Is Bram okay? He doesn’t seem like himself.”

Simon’s blood boiled. “Why are you asking me? You should ask him that.”

Garrett looked at Simon with soft eyes. “Simon, I think you should know that I know that Bram is gay.”

Simon’s eyes widened. He started coughing on his sandwich.

Garrett slapped Simon’s back a few times. “You alright?”

Simon nodded silently. “Did he tell you that?” Simon choked out.

Garrett nodded with a crooked smile on his face. “Yeah it was while back. But I kinda had a feeling even before he told me. I could see the way he looked at you. The only thing I’ve ever looked at like that is my mom’s homemade lemon meringue pie. And I am _in love_ with that pie. So I figured-”

Simon blinked, willing his tears to get sucked back into his eyes. He buried his face in his hands. Tears spilled into his palms.

“Simon,” Garrett looked at his friend like a deer in headlights. “I’m sorry, Simon.”

“It’s not your fault,” Simon mumbled into his hands. “Bram and I- we had a huge fight. It was horrible and I think I broke up with him even though I didn’t want to and, God, I don’t even know. And then this morning he fucking puts the polar bear in my locker. Like what, I have custody now? Or is it some lame peace offering?”

Garret knit his eyebrows together. “I don’t know what you’re talking about so I can’t really help you with the polar bear situation.”

Garrett’s confusion made Simon laugh so hard that snot shot out of his nose and onto his sleeve.

Garrett wrapped an arm around Simon’s shoulders. “Man, you and I don’t know each other that well. And I don’t really know a whole lot about you and Bram either. But I can tell you guys are in deep. You really like each other and I don’t think either of you will let this be the end of the road. It’s going to be okay, Simon. Really. You guys will figure it out.”

Overwhelmed, Simon turned his body to Garrett and gave him a hug, which Garrett returned.

“I got snot on your jacket. Sorry,” Simon sniffled.

“Eh it’s just my varsity jacket, I don’t even really like it that much.” Garrett chuckled.

Simon wiped at his eyes. “Thanks, man.”

“No problem.”

* * *

Later that afternoon, Simon’s phone buzzed with a text. He read it, slightly surprised by the timing, but nonetheless grateful for the distraction from his Bram-related problems.

  _(1:12pm) Simon: I’m free tonight. I’ll meet you there around 4._

* * *

It was eight minutes until four when Simon strolled into Dancing Goats and inhaled the rich scent of brewing coffee.

“Hey,” Simon called to the familiar figure lounging at a table near the door.

“Hey,” Carter stood up to greet the younger boy.

Simon pulled him into an embrace.

Carter returned the hug. He pulled back and looked at Simon with a puzzled expression. “How are you doing? Are you alright?”

Simon couldn’t help but chuckle to himself. “A _lot_ has happened since we last talked.”

Carter grinned with a knowing smile, “get some caffeine, and then you can tell me all about it.”

Simon nodded. He ordered a sugary iced coffee drink at the counter and returned to the table.

Carter nodded at Simon from across the table. “Hit me.”

Simon exhaled deeply. “It’s a lot.”

Cater smiled silently.

“I met Blue.”

Carter’s eyes widened.

Simon launched into the entire saga of his relationship with Bram over the past few months, explaining every messy, painful detail.

Carter sat patiently listening while Simon rambled until the moment Simon ended with “and that brings us to today.”

“Wow.” Carter breathed.

“Yep.”

“You’re still in love with him.”

“Yep.”

“I don’t know this guy, but if the way you talk about him is any indication, you’ll get him back.”

Simon responded by running a hand over his face.

“Simon, I know you know this, but coming out is a unique experience for everyone. Everyone’s story is different and that’s okay, it’s good even. We all have different circumstances and different perspectives and experiences that lead up to coming out. There isn’t a right way to come out and there isn’t a wrong way. Just because you are also gay doesn’t mean that you will be able to understand this guy’s situation. It isn’t easy, Simon, but I think all you can do right now is just be patient and support Blue until he is ready.”

Simon flopped his head onto the table. “Urggh,” he groaned.

Carter gently patted Simon’s shoulder. “Do you have to get home?”

Simon shook his head.

“Let’s grab dinner. I regale you with some of my stories. Trust me, you aren’t the only one with a dramatic, gay love life.”

Simon chuckled. “Yeah, alright, I’m in.”

* * *

Spending time with Carter made significant strides in Simon’s mood. The rest of the week Simon felt slightly less miserable.

Friday after school, Simon was making his way out to the parking lot with a backpack full of books. Outside the main entrance of the school, Nick was lounging on a bench with Garrett and Simon.

“Hey, Si,” Nick called out.

“Hey, guys,” Simon said tentatively. He carefully eyed Bram. “No baseball practice today?”

“Nah, coach canceled on us,” Garrett supplied. “I gotta go, though. I have a huge ass biology test tomorrow.

Nick rose from his spot on the bench. “And I gotta go meet Abby. Catch y’all later.”

Simon nodded to his friends. He silently followed Garrett and Nick towards the nearly empty parking lot. He was halfway to his car when he realized someone was following him. Simon glanced over his shoulder to see Bram walking with his hands in his pockets and his head down. Bram’s eyes flashed upwards.

“My car is also this way.”

Simon nodded and turned back around.

“I heard-” Bram started and stopped.

Simon paused in the parking lot. “Heard what?”

“You had dinner with Carter Addison. You were telling Leah about it at lunch the other day.”

“Yeah. So?”

Bram scoffed. “So? So we broke up like five days ago and you’re already going out with other guys.”

Simon almost laughed. “You think I-” Simon looked at Bram incredulously. “You’ve got it all wrong. Clearly you weren’t eavesdropping on my conversation well enough to get the actual facts. If you had, you would have heard that we hung out as friends. He’s really cool and he understands what it’s like being gay. But you know what, Bram, that’s not the point. The point is you don’t get a say in what I do or who I hang out with. You don’t get to be jealous, Bram.” Anger radiated from Simon. His eyes were wide and his fisted hands shook with frustration.

Bram’s entire body was tense. “Yes I do. I get to be jealous because _you’re_ the one who broke up with _me.”_

“I didn’t _want_ to break up with you. I did it _for_ you. Don’t you see that? So you can figure yourself out without me pressuring you,” Simon’s voice softened, “don’t you get it, Bram? I’m jealous of something that isn’t even tangible. I’m jealous of some idyllic utopia where we get to be together and nobody cares that we’re gay. I hate something that’s only inside my own head. I want to hate you but I can’t.”

Bram chewed on his lip. He had no words to respond.

Simon wasn’t sure how long they stood there, silently staring at each other, before Simon mumbled something about going home and leaving Bram alone in the parking lot.

Simon mindlessly drove himself home, doing his best to block out any thoughts of Bram. At home, Simon stomped up to his bedroom as quickly as possible.

Simon had barely set down his backpack when he heard a knock on the door.

“Simon?”

Simon hoped that ignoring his Dad would mean he would go away. Simon should have known better.

“Simon I’m coming in.” Jack swung open the door and paused in the doorway. “Can I come in?”

Simon shrugged his shoulders. He moved over to his bed and lay down on his back. Jack slowly stepped into the room and settled onto the bed next to his son.

“What’s wrong, Si?”

“I’m fine, Dad. Just tired.”

“You’re not fine, son. I know something is up with you. Something has been eating at you for a few days now.”

Simon sighed but didn’t say a word.

“You know you can talk to me about anything, kiddo. If you want to. I’m here for you and I love you.” Jack rose from his spot on Simon’s bed and slowly backed out of the room.

“Dad, wait.” Simon called just as his father reached the doorway. “There’s this guy.”

“Oh?” Jack returned to his son’s bed.

“I really like him. Actually, I love him. We kinda had this thing, but nobody knows he’s gay so that was hard and then we had this big fight but he’s really amaz-” Simon paused when he noticed his dad tapping at the screen of his phone. “Dad, what are you-”

Jack angled the phone so Simon could see the screen. “Is this the guy?”

Simon wrinkled his brow in confusion. He looked at the picture on the screen. It was at the park on prom night when they had all been taking pictures and Bram had stopped to straighten Simon’s tie. In the picture, Simon could see his whole body looked extremely tense but Bram and Simon were both looking at each other with soft gazes.

“I just happened to snap this picture. The way you two look at each other is pretty special.”

“I didn’t even know he liked me at this point. I didn’t even know he was gay.”

“Well neither of you were very good at hiding, now were you?” Jack scoffed.

Simon rubbed the back of his neck.

“He’s cute.”

“He’s great,” Simon stated, “he isn’t ready to come out. I understand it though, it’s not like it’s easy no matter how supportive your family and friends are. But I also just want to be with him.”

Jack nodded thoughtfully. “Simon, I don’t think it’s ever a good idea to be with someone that you feel holds you back. There hasn’t been a single day in my relationship with your mother that I felt she was holding me back. She does the opposite actually, she challenges me and pushes me to become the best I can be. I think when you meet the right person for you, they will challenge you and inspire you. That being said, I don’t think this guy-”

“Bram,” Simon inserted.

“Bram, is necessarily holding you back. At least, not in the way I mean. If he’s special, really special, then maybe he’s worth waiting for. Only you can make that decision Simon.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

“No problem,” Jack gave his son a hug, “just one more thing.”

“Okay.”

“Your boyfriend is really cute.”

“Please leave.”

Jack laughed, “I’m just saying you did a really great job. I knew you had it in you, son.”

Simon chucked a pillow at his dad. “Goodbye,” Simon laughed.

“Let me know if you need anything else,” Jack ducked through the doorway. “I love you so much, son!” He called from the hallway.

Simon rolled over onto his stomach. He still felt a little sick about the situation with Bram, but thanks to his dad he had a little more peace about the whole thing.

* * *

Bram jogged down the stairs and whipped open the front door to whoever kept annoyingly pressing the doorbell.

“Oh my god, what are you doing,” Bram’s voice was filled with frustration.

Garrett grinned a dopey smile at his friend, “we’re here to chat.” Beside him, Abby nodded enthusiastically.

Bram stepped aside, allowing his friends to cross the threshold. “What are we chatting about?”

“Simon.” Abby stated simply.

“Guys, I don’t want to talk about him.”

“So then just listen,” Garrett plopped onto the sofa. “We don’t exactly know all the detail of what went down between you and Simon but clearly it’s bad.”

“We really don’t need to know all the details,” Abby added, “but know that we love both and Simon and we just want what’s best for you two.”

Garrett nodded. “Ultimately, you and Simon have to make the decision of what’s best for you. We just happen to think that what’s best for you is to be together. You have a lot of love and support, Bram.”

Bram stared at Garrett, wide eyed. “Thanks, guys, really. But you don’t know what happened and I think I really messed up. I mean, I still love Simon and I think part of me always will. But I don’t know if I’m ready to do, to be, what Simon deserves. And I don’t know how to convince him to forgive me.”

“Bram, you know Simon. He is one of the most forgiving people on the planet.”

Bram mulled over their words. The last few days had been some of the worst of his entire life. He thought that not having to hide a relationship with Simon would simplify things and make his life easier. In reality, life hadn’t gotten easier. It had stayed exactly the same except now Bram was dealing with it all on his own, without Simon’s love and support.

“When did you get so smart, Garrett?” Bram smirked.

Garrett shrugged, “you must be rubbing off on me.”

 

Garrett and Abby stayed with Bram for a little while longer, before leaving him to his thoughts. Bram knew that everything that Garrett and Abby said was the truth. He had so much love and support. But did that outweigh the anxiety he felt about coming out to the whole world? Bram also knew that Simon would forgive him. But he didn’t know if that would that be enough. Bram wondered if Simon would forgive him and move on or if Simon could give Bram a second chance?


	33. Trente Trois

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Finale

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt very old while writing this. Suddenly, I had this feeling that I couldn't write teenagers interacting with each other and I felt very old.

Simon moved around his room, shoving clothes, a towel, and his swimsuit into a bag. Yesterday had been the last day of school so Nick was throwing his annual end-of-the-school-year-best-friends pool party. Knowing that this small party would include just Nick, Leah, Abby, Garrett, Bram, and himself, Simon almost decided not to go. But it was tradition. Nick had thrown this party every year since the 2nd grade and Simon knew he would regret not going. He would just be extra careful to avoid Bram.

 

On the nightstand, Simon’s phone buzzed.

  _(1:48pm) Leah: We’re here._

_(1:49pm) Simon: Coming._

Simon trotted out to the driveway where Abby and Leah were sitting in the front seat of Leah’s car, dancing and singing along to the radio.

Simon ducked into the car seat and put on his seat belt.

“Woooo! Pool party!” Abby screamed out the open car window. She turned around in her seat to look at Simon. “Aren’t you excited?”

Simon nodded, “So excited.”

Leah chuckled from the driver’s seat, “you’re really oozing enthusiasm right now, Si.”

Abby narrowed her eyes at Simon. She looked at him sweetly. “ _It’ll be fine,”_ she mouthed silently.

Simon nodded in response. The last bit of school had flown by in such a blur that Bram had barely crossed his mind at all. Now, Simon was going to have to get through almost 24 hours of being in close proximity to him without the buffer of hundreds of other high school students.

 

Leah whipped the car into Nick’s driveway. Abby was practically out of the car and jumping into Nick’s arms before Leah had even pulled the car to a complete stop.

Simon sucked in a breath before unbuckling his seatbelt and exiting the car.

Nick nodded at Simon from his perch on the front porch. “Hey guys. We can all go out back. Garrett texted and said he and Bram are on their way.”

Simon gulped.

They all followed Nick to the backyard where he had a table set up with bags of chips, drinks, and a huge bowl of fruit salad.

Less than 10 minutes later, the friends chatting was interrupted by Garrett’s loud voice coming from the front of Nick’s house.

“Yo! Where is everyone?”

Nick walked around to the gate on the side of the house and called Garrett and Bram to the backyard.

Garrett jogged into the backyard, bouncing with excitement. Bram lagged behind with his eyes on the ground, looking anxious.

Simon’s eyes fixed themselves to Bram.

 _Knock it off,_ he told himself, _don’t worry about him, just enjoy being with your friends._

Bram finally tore his gaze away from the ground. He locked eyes with Simon. Bram’s eyes held a deep sadness.

 _God damn._ Simon turned away from Bram. _He’s just your friend now. He was your friend long before he was anything else. Just have fun with your friends._ Simon took a deep breath, cleared his mind of Bram best he could, and ripped off his shirt. Simon tossed his shirt onto a chair next to the pool and dived into the water.

“Hey, you splashed me!” Leah kicked her foot at Simon to splash him in return.

“It’s a pool party, Leah, you’re supposed to get wet,” Simon laughed.

Leah narrowed her eyes at Simon. She launched herself off the edge of the pool and onto Simon, pulling him down under the water with her.

As Leah and Simon popped back up above the surface, Nick jumped into the pool right in front of them yelling “cannonball!”

Laughter filled the warm, early afternoon air.

Bram stood nervously near the edge of the pool. He toyed with his shirt while he watched his friends messing around. Bram caught Garrett’s eye. He raised in eyebrows in question.

Garrett responded with a warm smile and an encouraging nod before diving swiftly into the pool.

Bram cleared his throat. “Hey guys,” he said softly. No one heard him. “Hey guys,” Bram repeated. This time, all five of his friends turned to look at him. Bram settled himself onto the edge of the pool, dipping his feet into the water. He fidgeted with the hem of his swim trunks and bit his lip.

His friends waited patiently and silently for Bram to speak.

“So there’s something I want to tell all of you.” Bram spit out.

Abby’s gaze moved to Simon then to Garrett then back to Bram.

“Do you have cancer of something?” Nick voice filled with concern.

Bram laughed. “No, it’s nothing bad. It’s that I’m, umm,” Bram looked straight at Simon.

Their eyes connected. Simon’s deep gray gaze, gave Bram the confidence he needed.

“I’m gay.”

A loud splashing noise came from Simon flailing in the water. “Sorry, lost my balance,” he mumbled.

No one else said a word so Bram kept talking.

“I haven’t told very many people because I don’t like talking about myself in general and talking about something so personal and important is even more difficult for me. I didn’t tell you all for a long time and it’s not because I didn’t trust you. I do trust all of you. I knew you’d support me-”

“Duh,” Garrett mumbled.

“I knew you’d support me, and love me. But I still had a hard time opening up to all of you. Every time I thought about it, I just felt so anxious about sharing that part of me. But then I realized that the love and support I’d get from all of you is so much bigger than any people who might put me down. So I decided to be honest with all of you and,” Bram exhaled, “and come out.”

“Bram we love you, no matter what,” Abby smiled.

“Yeah, Bram, we have your back,” Nick agreed.

Leah and Garrett added their own words of encouragement.

Bram smiled at his group of friends. “There is one more thing.”

Five pairs of eyes swung back towards Bram.

“Simon Spier,” Bram paused.

Simon’s eyes widened while the rest of his body froze.

“Simon, I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with you since September and I know that in the grand scheme of things that isn’t a lot of time, but I feel confident that I’ll be in love with you for a long-ass time,” Bram warm eyes were trained on Simon, “I’m sorry for all the way I hurt you. I’m sorry for hiding from you for so long and for keeping you hidden for so long. I’m sorry, Simon, can you ever forgive me?”

Simon’s brow knit together as he gazed at Bram. Simon waded over to Bram at the edge of the pool. Simon locked his eyes onto Bram’s. His face softened with a smile. Simon reached up to grab Bram’s neck. He pulled Bram down into a sweet, gentle kiss.

Simon pulled back, “of course, I forgive you,” he said softly before leaning into Bram again.

Behind Simon and Bram, Garrett and Abby were smiling and hugging each other.

Leah gave Nick a confused look. Nick responded with an equally confused look.

“I feel like we’re missing something,” Nick whispered.

“Are we clueless?” Leah asked.

“Yes,” Abby and Garrett answered in unison.

Nick and Leah turned to look at Bram and Simon again, who were still happily kissing.

Simon pulled on Bram’s shoulders, yanking him into the pool.

The boys laughed and looked at each other, their eyes filled with joy.

* * *

Later that evening, after dinner, the group of six gathered around a bonfire.

Simon and Bram we’re cuddled up with each other in a chair.

“Okay,” Leah started, “I want an explanation of all of this.” She waved her hand at her two friends.

“Yeah, me too,” Nick added.

Simon smiled at Bram. “Bram is Blue. From the emails.”

Leah raised her eyebrows. “How long has this been going on? How long have you known who each other was?”

“I’ve known for a little over a month. We dated for a few weeks in secret.”

“I’ve known for longer,” Bram added, “since January.”

“I had a huge crush on Bram, even before I knew he was Blue,” Simon grinned at the boy next to him, “but I had no idea if he was even gay. And now here we are.”

“Adorable,” Nick said sarcastically with a mouth full of s’mores.

Bram absentmindedly ran his fingertips along Simon’s arm. “I liked Simon from the first day I met him.”

Simon looked at Bram, surprised. “When was that?”

“It was August 20th at lunch. We were sitting next to each other at the lunch table and I was trying to eat some really disgusting thing and Simon offered me some of his French fries. Then he warned me that the fries are one of the only decent things that the cafeteria makes.”

“You remember that?” Simon looked at Bram sweetly.

Bram shrugged, suddenly self-conscious.

* * *

Not long later, Bram and Simon find themselves alone by the fire. Simon picked nervously at his cuticles.

“Bram,”

“Yes?”

Simon inhaled sharply, “I love you. And I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for making you feel pressured. I’m just sorry for it all.”

Bram turned to tightly grip Simon’s shoulders. “It was you. I felt so scared that any little thing could have pushed me. I twisted your words in my brain. It wasn’t you. It was just a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, I guess. I’m sorry too.”

Simon put his hands at Bram’s hips and placed a gentle kiss on his lips. “I know that you are obviously out to our friends, but it’s different coming out to a lot of people. I just want you to know that I support you in whatever you do. And I want you to tell me if I say anything insensitive to you.”

“I don’t think that will happen,” Bram shook his head, “I don’t feel that way anymore. I don’t want to hide who I am but I also don’t think I’m ready to make a big public gesture like you did.”

“That’s totally fair. Just because I came out one way, doesn’t mean you have to do the same. You can just come out through your actions instead of a big speech. This is your thing, Bram, and you get to make it whatever you want it to be.”

Bram smiled and pulled his boyfriend into a kiss.

* * *

Simon, Abby, and Leah snuck through the school towards the boy’s locker room. Simon tapped away on his phone on their way, texting Bram to come out into the gym hallway.

By the time Bram saw the text and dragged Nick and Garrett out of the locker room, the other three friends were waiting for them.

“What are you doing here?” Bram wrapped his arms around Simon.

Simon pressed his lips to Bram’s. “We’re here to wish you good luck.”

“We aren’t even really sure how you got to the state championship game, since you aren’t that good.” Abby’s eyes filled with laughter.

“Hey,” Nick laughed, pulling Abby in for a hug.

“Okay well we should go, we need to get good seats and it’s pretty packed out there,” Simon said.

“Simon I don’t think good seats will help you understand baseball any better,” Bram smirked.

“Ha ha. Very funny.” Simon playfully pushed at Bram’s shoulder.

The three baseball player went back into the locker room while the other friends left for the baseball field behind the school. The bleachers were almost full with parents, students, and other Shady Creek citizens eager to cheer their team onto a state championship.

 

It was the bottom of the ninth inning, and Creekwood was down by two runs. Simon leaned forward on the hard, metallic bleacher silently urging the team to pull off a win.

Bram strolled up to the home plate, assessing the situation. There were two other players on base. Bram rolled his shoulders back and kicked his feet at the dirt. Bram lined up to the plate, holding the bat over his shoulder.

In an instant, the opposing team’s pitchers threw the ball. Bram swung as hard as he could. There was a crack as the ball connected with the bat.

The entire crowd watched as the ball sailed over the diamond and past the fence at the far end of the field.

“Home run!” one of the announcers called over the speaker system.

Bram put his hands on top of his head in shock. Bram and his two team members jogged the bases while the rest of the team rushed onto the field.

Garrett and Nick rush to Bram, sandwiching him into a constricting hug.

In the stands, Simon, Abby, and Leah stood and cheered and hugged each other. Simon looked out onto the field, trying to find his boyfriend.

Bram searched the stand for Simon.

Their eyes found each other and locked in.

Simon gave Bram a thumbs up and mouthed “I’m so proud of you.”

Bram surveyed the crowd. He wanted nothing more than to rush up the bleachers to Simon.

 _There are a hell of a lot of witnesses,_ Bram thought to himself, _oh fuck it._

Bram broke away from Garrett and Nick. “There’s something I have to go do,” he mumbled.

Bram jogged over to a short section of the fence and deftly swung his body over it. He jogged over to the bleachers where Simon was still standing and cheering. Bram hopped up to Simon. He stood over him, giving him a warm smile before grabbing his arms and hauling Simon to his feet.

Simon, knowing was Bram was about to do, nodded in agreement.

Bram pulled Simon into a kiss that was deep and warm.

Surrounding them, some of the crowd cheered and some made noises of shock or disgust.

But to Simon and Bram, in the instant, they were the only two people, in the world.


	34. Épilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Epilogue

It was 7:15am on the first morning of senior year. Simon was driving with Nick, Leah, and Abby in the backseat of the car. Beside Simon, in the passenger seat, sat Bram, Simon’s beautiful, wonderful, loving boyfriend.

Simon pulled the vehicle in the senior lot of their high school and pulled the keys from the ignition. The five friends climbed out of the car, grabbing their cups of iced coffee on the way.

Simon grabbed his backpack and jogged to catch up to Bram who had already started walking into the building. Simon laced his fingers through Bram’s, which earned him a warm smile in return.

* * *

Later that day, Simon and Bram sat next to each other in their history class, trying to get through a boring lecture about some war. When the teacher had his back turned to the class, Simon leaned over with his pen and jotted a few words onto the corner of Bram’s immaculate notes.

_You look cute when you’re concentrating so hard <3_

Bram smirked. He locked eyes with Simon. “ _Then don’t distract me,”_ he mouthed.

Simon rolled his eyes.

* * *

 

The bell rang not long later. Bram and Simon packed up their things and strolled into the cafeteria.

As they went through the lunch line, Simon grabbed two baskets of French fries with his meal, handing one to Bram when they sat at their regular lunch table. Throughout the lunch period, the two boys played footsie under the lunch table, thinking none of their friends noticed. They all did.

* * *

After school, they met up again at Bram's locker. They had plans to celebrate the start of the school year by going to Waffle House with their friends after school. Bram shoved his books into his backpack and grabbed Simon's hand to walk out to the parking lot.

As they walked through the school building together, Simon thought over the past year. He reflected on the time spent with Bram, the pining, and the drama that had come along with coming out and his relationship with Bram. In that moment, walking hand in hand with Bram, with his Blue, Simon knew that if he had to, he would ride the ferris wheel all over again.

* * *

 

_La Fin_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for sticking this one out and reading this whole fic. I love every last one of you. You are all wonderful and amazing.
> 
> Much love. Xoxo


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